STUNNING SUSPENSION

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

-Hello! Hey! Can you borrow 30 thousand?

- I can't, we are saving up for repairs.

- Come on, 30 thousand will not change anything, but we do not have enough for a vacation. Will you give me?

* hang up *

I read synonyms for the word "impudence":

shamelessness, shamelessness, shamelessness, arrogance, shamelessness, insolence …

A curious moment: synonyms begin with the prefix "without", that is, immediately hinting at what the impudent man does not have, what he is deprived of: conscience, shame, shyness, ceremonies. It is a pity that the word "limitlessness" does not fit into this context, because this is exactly what impudent people do not have - the idea of personal boundaries and personal space of another. And yet, "frameless" - there are no frames, no idea of the rules. Or there is, formally an impudent person may guess or know what is possible and what is not, but for his own internal reasons he ignores all these social, social written and unwritten rules.

In the process of upbringing, we learn from adults the norms of behavior, the rules for building relationships. In a normal family and a civilized world, the idea is broadcast that

* your freedom ends where another person's freedom begins *

That is, not only you, my friend, have personal boundaries (what you can and cannot do with you, how you can, and how you cannot do with you). All people have personal boundaries. And there are formal rules on how to deal with these boundaries in the process of interpersonal communication. We call this "courtesy". It is politeness that regulates the rules of conduct at the junction of each other's personal boundaries.

So, the impudent person has no idea about the importance of observing these boundaries, rules, norms. This can be a completely law-abiding citizen (although not necessarily). But in interpersonal communication, at the level of everyday life, this is a malicious violator. Impudent. Uncultured. Ill-mannered.

These can be people with dissocial personality disorder (sociopaths), with addictive personality disorder. Although the latter will violate the boundaries with formal politeness: "be so kind", "thank you", "please", "be kind", at the same time, to crawl under the skin. But not necessarily impudence - this is a symptom of some pathology.

Impudence can be the product of appropriate upbringing: when the rights and boundaries of the child are violated in the same way. The personality of the child was not taken into account: the will of adults is our everything, the will of the child is nothing. "You are nobody and call you in any way, shut up, green snot!" The child learns that this is possible, it is only necessary to grow up (not equal to growing up !!!) and it will be possible the same way.

Or, on the contrary, this child could do EVERYTHING. Booty-kissed boys and girls. Adults did not set any boundaries for their child at all. "He's small! Our sweetheart!".

Or maybe the child grew up in such conditions that he concluded that if I didn’t snatch a piece for myself, didn’t take it in a hurry, then I wouldn’t get anything. If I don't take it myself, no one will give it. That one can only survive in this world by walking over their heads, pushing them with their elbows, making their way to a brighter future. Life is a struggle and the strongest wins. And here there is no time for bows, not for bowing.

A person's lack of understanding of boundaries, rules, and culture of communication irritates those people who have all these ideas. It is very difficult to communicate with an ill-mannered person, being raised. You have a framework, the impudent does not. You observe his boundaries, freedom, he is yours - no. You follow the rules, he doesn't. And this is terribly annoying!

As I write an article, I feel myself slipping into irritation. This is what you traditionally feel about insolent people in countertransference. Why is insolence so terribly angry?

Firstly, they are malicious border trespassers. Border violations can be prevented by strengthening your own. In this, the impudent ones can just do a favor, pointing out their own vulnerabilities.

But there is something else … This will be the second …

Our upbringing, politeness, culture are a framework that rests on the fear of being evaluated by society. If I don’t say hello, I don’t share it, I go in without knocking, I don’t say "thank you" - I will be condemned. They won't communicate with me. They won't be friends with me. I will be rejected, kicked out of the social sandbox. Therefore, I take care of following the rules so that they can be friends with me. I depend on the framework. Society observes my politeness - it's like a social facecontrol. I want to be loved and accepted. Therefore, I will be cats.

And then I see how some reptile (reptile) wanted to chhat on all these frames! He does not care about the assessment of others, he does not depend on the opinions of others! Doesn't depend the way I do. Where I have to bow in obeisance, he just goes ahead! Yes eh.. your mother! How is that?!

We say "arrogance is the second happiness" because such shamelessness causes … envy. Such independence from someone else's assessment and condemnation is enviable. Our entire culture is built on the fear of rejection. In the impudent man, this fear is atrophied. And we envy this fearlessness. And we get angry and mad.

But if from someone else's impudence it completely dulls, it darkens in the eyes and you want to take up a knife at the sight of an impudent person, then you can turn to yourself:

first, check your boundaries for their stability, strength. Perhaps such a reaction follows from one's own inability to say "No", to refuse. And then it is your task - to strengthen the defense of your personal space. This is not an impudent problem. It's your problem. The impudent man just revealed it.

second, check your framework. Aren't you cramped in them? The framework, of course, is needed, they preserve your place in society, both you and your environment need them. Yes, if only so that people do not kill each other. So that communication is safe for all participants. But maybe your framework is already choking you? Your rules no longer help, but hinder you? Maybe it is worth revising your internal attitudes for their relevance and adequacy to the present time? Make your frames wider, let in more oxygen.

Epilogue.

You can communicate and be friends with impudent people, provided that your boundaries are stable and inviolable. But if you do not want to be friends or build relationships, and you have to interact with the impudent person (at work, for example), then you should not become a shameless boor yourself. You should not fight off the invasion of borders with reciprocal impudence and rudeness. If you broadcast self-confidence, self-respect, then the impudent person will not dare to get close to you. Your norms, rules of decency, culture are part of your identity, you should not betray it because of someone's arrogance. To resist an insolent person, you do not need to become an insolent person. It is enough not to be a victim.