REAL MAN: WHO IS, WHAT DOES IT MEAN AND WHAT SHOULD IT BE?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A real man. When working as a family psychologist, it is important to know: what understanding of the concepts "man", "husband", "woman", "wife" are present in the mass culture of his society, and what images and characteristics it unpacks in psychology. After all, family quarrels are often a direct consequence of unjustified expectations associated with the fact that the “other half” looks, thinks, speaks and behaves differently from what is written in the ideas of a person. Hence, the feeling of "deception" and disappointment from the relationship, from the family. The desire to almost forcefully bring your loved one to the standard that is present in your mind, but which may differ from the standard in the mind of your partner.

At the same time, the partner may consider himself the ideal representative of his gender, but he has serious claims against you, with which you already do not agree. That in the aggregate provokes serious conflicts between men and women, destroys families.

In order to enable men and women, on the one hand, to look at themselves through the eyes of the opposite sex, and on the other hand, to formulate or clarify ideas about themselves, in 2010-2020. I conducted a survey of my clients at the most reproductive and family active age of 25-45, on the topic "What qualities are characteristic of a real man, a real woman, a husband's standard, a wife's standard?" Moreover, the same questions were asked both to men and women (only six thousand people: 3000 women, 3000 men). That allowed me not only to form both the female and male understanding of the standards "man", "husband", "woman", "wife", but also to compare them with each other.

Now I will introduce you to the results of polls on the detailing of the concept of "real man" in women and men. Moreover, the rating itself is sustained in accordance with the priorities that men and women had, where No. 1 means a higher significance of the characteristic, and No. 20 - albeit less significant, nevertheless - necessary, since it still got into the top twenty.

For convenience in comparison, I will bring these two ratings into one table.

Even with a cursory comparison, significant differences are evident.

In women's ideas about men, relations with women are assigned two points:

• 8. Understands and respects women, knows how to communicate with them. A real gentleman, not rude.
• 9. Knows how to love his woman, faithful to her, does not change, does not leave.
• In men's ideas about themselves, relationships with women are assigned only one point:
• 8. Can achieve love from women, understands them, is sexually active.

We see that women are convinced that a man should serve women. Men, however, tend to conquer them and lead an intimate life with them.

Family topics for women have five points at once:

1. Able to protect himself, his family, homeland. I am ready to sacrifice for the sake of children, loved ones, my family and country.

2. He is successful in his career, earns good money, is able to provide for his family.

10. Not selfish, serves his family, is always there.

11. Responsible father: loves children; devotes his time to them; plays with them; takes care of them.

12. Generous / not greedy towards his family / wife.

There are only three points allotted to the family theme for men:

4. Able to protect himself, his family, homeland. I am ready to sacrifice myself for the sake of children, loved ones, my family and country.

6. Successful in his career, earns good money, is able to provide for his family.

11. Happy in the family: creates a family by himself and for love; respected head of the family.

Thus, we see that in women's ideas about men, the topic of "man-woman" relations appears in seven points: 1, 2, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, which is 35% of the entire list of male characteristics. For men, the topic of "man-woman" relationship appears in only four items: 4, 6, 8, 11, which is 20% of the entire list of male characteristics. Obviously, the topic of "man-woman" relations worries men almost two times less.

It is also interesting that for women, the income of a man is more important than his social status, and even more so - his professional achievements, which women do not remember at all. For a man, the priority is his status, and only then income. Moreover, professional achievements logically follow the income, which shows the beliefs of men that big money should come precisely from the status of a “pro” and “an expert”. In the understanding of women, apparently, there is no direct connection between money and professional achievements. In the women's understanding, large incomes are associated, rather, with the achievement of a high social status.

At the same time, women appreciate a man's hard work and his willingness to take on any job higher than men. And also - the general economy of a man and his ability to do something with his own hands. At the same time, women are little interested in issues of male principles and male passion for political and social life. The main thing for a woman is that a man should provide and protect her and her children, not create threats with violence and various harmful addictions.

But the most important impression from the polls is that in men's ideas about themselves there is a significant bias in concepts that have a general theoretical meaning. There are twelve of them:

1. Ambitious and ambitious in the best sense of the word.

3. Strong-willed, persistent.

5. He is independent in his decisions, independent of other people's influence.

9. Smart, rational, logical; if possible - educated.

12. Has its own principles, its own faith. Treasures honor, reputation. Mandatory: said - done!

13. Self-critical, adequate; knows how to honestly admit his mistakes.

14. He knows how to be friends himself and has true friends.

15. Ready to help others, lend a shoulder, share.

16. Interested in everything new, strives to develop, for progress.

17. Strives to live interesting, bright, diverse; has hobbies, hobbies.

19. Optimist, active and adventurous in life.

20. He is well versed in politics, has his own views, is socially active.

In women's ideas about men, there are exactly two times less of them:

4. Is proactive in making important decisions in life (starting a family, career, shopping, etc.)

5. He is independent in his decisions, independent of other people's influence.

6. Strong-willed, persistent: achieves his goal, overcomes difficulties: brave, not afraid of risk, resistance and conflict.

14. Has its own principles, its own faith. Treasures honor, reputation. Required: responsible for his words. He said - did!

16. Intelligent, rational, logical; if possible - educated.

17. Has a developed sense of humor.

It is obvious that women demand more practicality from men, general moral attitudes for women, in this case, are secondary. The men themselves, are clearly hostages of those standards that are artificially constructed, are rather the product of theoretical research of thinkers and moralists of the past, which is passed on in culture from generation to generation. But it is definitely not worth criticizing this: after all, it is the presence of a high level of men's requirements for themselves that ensures progress in society and a high level of protection for women and children. We can say directly:

Men demand much more from themselves and from other men than women demand of them.

The only problem is that what women demand from them does not rank among men the highest lines in their ranking.

What causes tension and conflicts between the sexes and family crises.

The very high level of men's requirements for themselves also leads to greater wear and tear of the stronger sex. But this, according to their survey, is their own choice. Here they should only blame themselves and the values of their male culture.

Now, in order to be especially useful for men, we will make a single consolidated list of all those masculine qualities that will allow a man to correspond to masculine and feminine ideas about the "ideal man." Having highlighted, at the same time, the blocks: "Personal qualities", "Social qualities", "Labor qualities", "The relationship of a man to a woman, family, children."

Now, with this expanded list in front of your eyes:

- it will be easier for adolescents and young men to formulate requirements for themselves;

- adult men will understand the criteria by which they are assessed in society, as well as women;

- the personal profile of men will become clearer for women; including that specificity of their values and thinking, according to which, as you know, “the first thing, the first thing - the planes, well, the girls, and the girls - then!”;

- men who have created love and family relationships will understand that women will allow men to comfortably realize their own male ambitions and abstract principles only if men, in the first place, proactively cover women's needs for love, communication, strong shoulder, fidelity and financial well-being …

I am sure that this information will be useful to you not only for improving your life, but also for a deeper understanding of yourself and correction of your personality and life path.

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