I Hate My Name

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is rare in the field that there are as many prejudices in psychotherapy as name change.

I will not be unfounded: I changed my name at the age of 16, being able to independently manage the administrative component of my life. Fortunately, such an opportunity exists in our country. This change in my life entailed more than one torsion at the temple, overcoming which cost me considerable mental effort. Conversations about mental illness, focusing on the “wrong” things, and my devaluation of my parents' choice overtook me in abundance.

Curiously, changing my name not only revealed a layer of dusty trauma in me, but also opened up an understanding of the unconscious of those around me. This insignificant, in my opinion, change, prompted certain people in my life to turn on the triple mode of imposing their opinions. These people, who refused to accept my choice, turned out to be incredibly persistent: they pointedly addressed me by my old name and claimed that I was my old name, which was absolutely contrary to my perception from early childhood.

It would seem that the psychologist's office is a place where people like me, who find ourselves at a crossroads, overcoming a transition period in life, should be provided with maximum support and help in making decisions that contribute to well-being. Nevertheless, most of my colleagues, with whom I have to communicate on this topic today, perceive the change of name as something abnormal, defective.

What prejudices related to name change are common in psychotherapy?

That the name change is an attempt to compensate.

A colleague shared with me the story of a friend who chose the name Dobrodar. According to her stories, this man is smart and bright. Dobrodar is a musician, easily finds a common language with other people and sees his vocation in helping other people. As soon as my friend mentioned Dobrodar and his role in her life in a group supervision session, colleagues immediately labeled Dobrodar with labels: trying to compensate for the lack of attention, self-doubt and an attempt to stand out. In this way. In the eyes of the group, Dobrodar quickly gained a reputation for being a superficial, frivolous guy - although according to my friend, nothing could be further from the truth.

Our name, to which we respond even in our deepest sleep, is our primary connection with our self. When we are called by name, something responds in the depths of our souls - and this “something” is felt by us as our deepest essence.

Physiologically speaking, our name is a certain sensation in the body. As soon as I call you by name, this sensation immediately arises - a sensation that separates you from any other object in the world.

Identification with your name is a natural mechanism that gains momentum in adolescence. Identification occurs for most people on our planet. Since what was printed on a blank sheet of our childhood takes root in the psyche more firmly, in later life the association of oneself with one's name occurs at a deep, subconscious level. When I started talking with my clients, family and friends about their relationship with their names, almost every person answered me that he never thought about his name, and that he always knew unconditionally that he was Vasily, or that she is Sveta.

Contrary to the common mechanism of identification, in early childhood I discovered that I did not associate the image of myself with the name that my parents gave me. I was a positive, curious, creative child. My creativity manifested itself in writing poetry and prose. I remember how I signed my works with different names: then Anastasia, then Helen. It was difficult for me to merge with the name that I was called in the family.

When I came to kindergarten, and then to school, my inner conflict worsened. As often happens, I attracted situations that intensified the split in me: on the one hand, I understood that having a fixed name is an administrative necessity, and on the other, I felt that the underlined naming devalued my point of view. It hurt me and taught me not to trust myself.

At the same time, I felt that my decision to change my name, which I adopted at an early age, hurt and confused my parents. Mom felt her inadequacy in relation to parenting: she loved the name that she gave me at birth with all her heart, and at first she considered my deliberate attempts to explain to others that it was alien to me as a personal failure. Here I will make a reservation that I grew up in a loving and kind family, where the welfare of the child has always been in the first place. Subsequently, we managed to come to an agreement together that my inability to identify with my name had nothing to do with my mother's choice and, most importantly, was not an attempt to oppose her.

As a psychotherapist - and as a person - I understand that name changes are relatively rare and therefore can cause confusion and discomfort. Therefore, in the first person, let me offer you some tips that will help you get through this period painlessly.

What if you want to change your name?

Be critical of the process. Since we live in a world where imposing our opinions is the most common dynamic in communication, be prepared that the change will cause disapproval from others.

If you are an easily suggestible person, it makes sense to work on self-confidence, setting healthy boundaries, and critical thinking. No opinion is 100% true. Only the sensation in the heart helps to separate the grain from the chaff. Only you know what is true and true for you.

The name we call ourselves is nothing more than a characteristic that we use to define ourselves. In other words, the name is the same personal boundary, respect for which is necessary for us. If a person in our life tends to trample our boundaries every now and then, without caring about our feelings, this is an indicator that the relationship has become destructive and communication with this person, instead of enriching us and contributing to our development, destroys us and inhibits growth.

It will be possible to maintain mutual respect with others only if you decide to honestly, positively and consistently explain to each questioning person that your new name is valuable to you, and you prefer to be called that way and not otherwise. Your words might sound something like this:

“I understand that changing a name is a serious step in a person's life, and I respect the fact that it will be difficult for you to get used to a new name. I, too, would not have been able to rebuild in one day! I understand that you will need time, but it will be valuable to me if you try to remember my new name and refer to me using it."

If the person you are having this conversation with is genuinely interested in continuing a healthy relationship with you, they will readily take note of your words.

Be careful: if you find that the need to impose your new name on other people is dictated by the desire to take control over these people, to prove something to them or to establish yourself in your unique chosenness, this is a reason to devote time to your own psychological work.

What if your loved one wants to change their name?

Today, in an age of individual isolation, we need to understand more than ever that we cannot - and should not - impose our understanding of health and unhealthy on another person for the sake of self-affirmation: especially with regard to such individually determined things as a name.

In other words, we must learn to respect and support other people in choosing their preferences. The inability to recognize the emotion or the preference of another person as true leads to the fact that an internal conflict is created inside this person: part of him feels that the emotion is in him, or that he wants to witness a certain choice, which is natural for him, but the environment dictates to him abnormality this choice. The result is fragmentation. The child chooses to disidentify with the “inconvenient self” and highlight the “comfortable self” that satisfies the needs of the parents and / or other authorities that the little man encounters in his early years.

The danger of such a separation is that a person loses the ability to trust the inner compass. He finds it difficult to articulate how he feels. The mechanism of suppression of feelings and emotions becomes the norm for him. Such a person continues to travel through life with a broken compass, genuinely wondering why he is arriving in the wrong places.

“I love you even though” is the destructive dynamic of establishing relationships in the family that takes place all the time today. Love is about fully accepting the true nature of the other person as it is - note: full acceptance. None of the qualities of this person are considered unworthy or unacceptable. Such an attitude towards a loved one requires tremendous moral courage, because only a real hero can be so brave that he will not be afraid to open up to meet his beloved, exposing his vulnerable heart.

therefore step one - if a person in your environment, including your family, expresses a desire to change their name, do not take it personally.

Step two - refrain from labeling this person. Labeling is a defense mechanism that we have practiced for years.

A name change from a loved one that you resist is a great excuse to look inside yourself and discover your injuries.

The negative emotions that we experience when a person we know begins to introduce himself by a different name and asks us to address ourselves in a new way, tell us no longer about him, but about us.

Every time a new name comes to the surface, keep track of your inner reaction. Localize the physical manifestation caused by the need to name another person in a new way.

For example, it may annoy me that a person I know, whom I knew as Kolya, suddenly becomes Poseidon. Not knowing anything about the life of this person, I pull my finger to twist at my temple and make the assumption that Kolya is dissatisfied with everyday life and his narcissism makes him stand out against the background of other Kol and Mash. And, of course, I speak from the height of this illumination about

this - what kind of Poseidon he is! - Kolya. The condemnation of Kolya (and now Poseidon) can be dictated by the fact that in childhood my parents told me that no matter how I tried to show talent for singing, it is bad to stand out, and that you need to be modest, mediocre. Therefore, I am automatically turned on and hooked by people who have the courage to assume that they are somehow different from the rest - also in such an obvious manner.

Probably, as a next step, I need to expand the work with my inner child and accept that amazing, undeniably significant part of myself that was rejected during the upbringing process. This work will help me subsequently to stop devaluing my own originality - and as a result, calmly accept the uniqueness of others.

A change of name can mark the end of one cycle in a person's life and the beginning of a new one. The sages of antiquity knew that our life proceeds through the change of seven-year cycles. Each cycle is characterized by the renewal of the physical and mental body of a person. In some Eastern religions, it is customary to adopt new names at the beginning of each new stage of development, the essence of which will help a person to reveal his potential to the fullest.

In the modern Western world, there is an administrative link to the name we wear. It appears on the passport and bank statements, and changing the name entails a bunch of administrative burdens - what are the trips to the paperwork services! - and in the middle of life the average person has a lot of such papers.

Nevertheless, I believe that an open mind and attunement with one's environment is an absolute necessity in the life of a modern person. To address a person in a new way, you do not need to require a passport at all.

Another disagreement that can lead to rejection of a name change is the potential for confusion. Today the man is Victor, and tomorrow is Volgozar. Latent mistrust can arise. Hence the labels of abnormality that we reward such people with.

Humans tend to make mistakes. It is impossible to retrain to address a person overnight if you have known him with one name all your life. However, here are a few tips on how to relieve the pressure and continue to enjoy being with the person who changed their name.:

• When the person tells you that they changed their name, thank them for sharing with you. Let the person know (and make a sincere promise to yourself personally) that you are happy for them and hope that their new name will bring them what they are hoping for.
• Accepting the change right away can be difficult for you. There is nothing wrong with honestly sharing with another person that you feel that it will be difficult for you to retrain yourself, but nevertheless, he is dear to you, and therefore you would not want to break the relationship with him if you suddenly allow error and call it with the old name. It might sound like this: “For me, your name change does not affect the strength of our relationship in any way. I respect your choice and love you no matter what name you have, so I will do my best to remember your new name and use it when addressing you. But I'm worried that if I'm wrong, you will be offended by me, and the trust in our relationship will be broken. I will be glad if you, if anything, correct me, if you feel necessary."
• If you made a mistake and stopped short by calling a person with an old name, you do not need to make an event out of this. Remarks like “Valya, Sveta - one fig” and “For me, you will forever remain Katya” will disrupt the harmony of your relationship with a person and alienate you from each other. Such remarks testify to the inability to accept a person as he is now and today, in all his versatility and completeness. Having addressed the person incorrectly, correct or accept his correction as a natural and normal course of events. If this person is important to you and you want to maintain a healthy relationship with him, accept the fact that you will have to take care of yourself and learn to name the person in a new way - after all, his interests are part of yours, and his well-being is important to you.
• The most unpleasant thing that can be done in relation to a person who changes his name is to devalue the need for such a change in his life. Whatever a person does, the reason that underlies such a decision is natural and organic for this person. No one has the right to impose on another what he should feel and think. Arrogance and the imposition of your point of view, so often manifested in dealing with people who have made a conscious decision to change their name, leads to a violation of the warmth of the relationship and sets you against each other. Promise yourself that you will do your best to “rename” this person in your life. For example, you can start with an address book in your contacts.

The attitude that I see as healthy is the realization that a name is just a name. An attitude based on irritation and opposition is based on the principle that our name is the same as our self. However, today, having become acquainted with my history and the history of people close to me, I hope that the irritation associated with the change of name in society will begin to subside.

Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, psychotherapist