How Our Expectations Make Us Feel Unhappy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

Why are we unhappy, how we lie to ourselves (and others), and how psychotherapy can help us understand and become a little happier (even if our dreams don't come true).

WE ARE SURE THAT WITHOUT SPECIFIC THINGS THERE WILL NOT BE HAPPINESS IN LIFE

In science fiction novels, the main thing was radio. Under him, the happiness of humanity was expected. There is a radio, but there is no happiness.

(From the notebooks of I. Ilf)

Almost each of us has an idea of what exactly he needs for happiness. Car. Apartment. Big family. Travels. Good salary. Angelina Jolie on the next pillow in the morning. "Oscar". Nobel Prize. World domination. But you never know what.

Most people have more or less formalized, clear ideas about what events in their life should take place, in what order, and what they should experience while doing so. That is: a person forbids himself to be happy until … (lost weight, bought a car, paid off a mortgage, had children, defended a dissertation, etc.)

Think about it: a person programs himself: "Well, why rejoice, I have no higher education." "How can you be happy with yourself while I'm fat." "Well, what the hell is the pleasure, until the child entered."

MOST PEOPLE HAVE A LIFE SCENARIO

The king had three sons. Once the eldest son went to the garden, stepped on a rake. They hit him with a rake right in the forehead. The middle son found out about it - he went to the garden. Stepped on a rake. They hit him with a rake right in the forehead. The youngest son found out about this - he became thoughtful, became morose, twisted. Yes, there is nothing to do …

(joke)

Whether people are aware of this or not, they have some kind of picture of the future. "To live in love, happily ever after and die in one day", "I come to the reunion handsome, fit and in the new Bentley", my ex waddles about in rags and with a bundle of bottles, which he carries to hand over "," After university, I quickly find a good job, make an excellent career, marry a model and have five children. " The script may not be thought out in detail, but a person has a picture of "how I will act" and "how who should behave" in a certain situation.

For example, here a girl comes on a date, and a man appears without flowers! She is indignant, offended, annoyed, she is angry and ruins the evening for both. In her picture of the world, a man comes with a bouquet of roses - or is it not a man. She had a different script! He had to fall in love and act like a gentleman! And he ruined everything !!!

You can also play a funny game. Stand on the steps near any wedding palace in your city and have fun with the calculations "for the first or second to pay." According to all statistical estimates, 60% of marriages (and more) break up in the country. That is, every second couple of newlyweds, who beautifully flutters out of the registry office doors, will definitely part, and often - with dirty scandals and mutual discontent. But they do not know this, they prepared for a year, took out a loan, bought rings, ordered a designer dress and an expensive cake, rented a restaurant, hired a limousine and plan to go out for a walk first, and then live happily ever after. They have a plan. Scenario. This is the way it should be, because how could it be otherwise?

And when everything does not go according to plan, the person is very upset and annoyed (or, as psychologists say, frustrated).

Nobody promised that what was planned would definitely happen. And when the not promised, but dreamed - does not happen, a person is bad, sad and sad.

And something else happens: a person tries to fit a naughty reality into a scenario he has invented. Some people spend their whole lives doing this.

WE THINK THAT SPECIFIC EVENTS WILL CAUSE CERTAIN EMOTIONS

Fake Christmas tree decorations have appeared in the city's shops. Outwardly, they are no different from the real ones - they hang, shine, - but there is no joy from them.

(joke)

People always want to own something (or to experience something) for the sake of those emotions that, as it seems to them, the possession of a thing or living an event will give. A person meticulously chooses a car not only to get from point A to point B, but also for a comfortable trip. And also in order to feel cool enough (well, here who has enough money for how much show-off money).

The credit departments of banks issuing wedding loans work smoothly. Men and women start a family in the hope of a happy, cloudless life, and take on huge debts in order to start a "dream wedding". And then they get divorced with scandals, often not even having time to pay off the loan for the wedding and honeymoon.

Young mothers complain on the forums: they gave birth to a child so that he would love them, cutely walk like in an advertisement for diapers and fall asleep serenely. And the child screams all night long, smelly pooping, his teeth are teething, his tummy hurts, he is unhappy, requires many hours of motion sickness and does not let his mother's breast out of his mouth, gnawing blood on the nipples. The picture that the woman dreamed of crumbles to dust. Motherhood is more troublesome and frustrating than gentle advertising sketches.

Research by social psychologists has shown that people are mistaken in predicting how they would feel some time after parting with a loved one, after receiving a gift, after losing an election, after winning a sports competition, and after being hurt. (Gilbert & Jenkins, 2001).

Events very often turn out to be completely unrelated to the emotions that a person planned to experience in connection with them. Events are on their own, and emotions are on their own. That is, not only do the events themselves do not happen by order, but also if they happen, it is not a fact that they will please.

YOU CANNOT CHANGE THE SITUATION - CHANGE EMOTION

- Why are you so sad?-

- Ah … I am ashamed to admit … Enuresis - I pee in a dream.

- Go to a psychotherapist, he will cure you.

A month later.

- Well, you have a completely different look, I bet the therapist cured you of bedwetting.

- The psychotherapist helped a lot. My enuresis did not go away and I still pee in my sleep. But now I'm proud of it !!!

(joke)

One of the common psychotherapeutic techniques is to change expectations from certain events (in NLP it is called "reframing"). Or, the same thing, using folk methods: to lower expectations. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Do not expect that everything will necessarily be my way (this is not a joke! Often it takes months to realize this simple idea - that the world does not owe me anything and not everything will happen in my opinion - in psychotherapy it takes months. And for someone, even years) … Accept that a long-awaited event, to achieve which a lot of energy is put in, will not bring happiness, relief and a solution to all problems. Seriously, these simple truths are incomprehensible to so many people. That not everything will be as I dreamed. That if a classmate Mashka did it easily and simply, then it is not necessary for me to get it easily. That it is not written anywhere, that I was promised happiness and success in all my endeavors. That misfortunes and failures happen, and now they happened to me; it happens and no one is to blame. That I will never reach the heights that are easily obeyed by the son of my mother's friend - and this is normal.

I'm just a human being. No more.

But no less.

And that's okay.

THE PERSON APPLIES A LOT OF EFFORT TO IMPLEMENT THE SCENARIO IN ACCURACY

Oksana puts a stool

and sticks his head into a noose

Oleg sighs okay cho there

I love

(tsai)

And here is the most interesting thing.

Because when life does not go according to the plan, a person most often does not get upset passively. A person feels that he is the blacksmith of his own happiness and must make an effort.

Because according to his plan, event 1 should happen, followed by event 2, then event 3, and then the longed-for emotions will come. For which everything was started. And the person will strenuously, despite the resistance of reality, push his idea and achieve exactly the kind of happiness that was planned.

Well, for example:

• I will lose weight first, and then I will communicate with friends and fans.
• I’ll make a lot of money first, and then I’ll travel and enjoy life.
• I will first make a career, buy an apartment in Moscow, then rent it out and rest and prosper in Goa on an abundant passive income.
• I will first write a great book, and then … Well, then all the blessings of the world will fall at my feet.
• At first, the child will obey me, study for grades, play sports, then grow up, go to medical school, become a doctor, like everyone else in our family, and then he will live happily and thank me. What? The child grows up sickly, unsportsmanlike and is going to a theater university, and not to honey? Ugliness! We wish him well! Our scenario of happiness in life is a scenario for all scenarios!

Once again, pay attention to where the ambush is.

Unconsciously, a person connects the expected events and the emotions that he wants to receive. But he achieves and puts his life on the achievement of these events, being sure that emotions will come by themselves. One has only to happen an event.

And this is, to put it mildly, not so.

THE FACTS FROM REALITY AND THE FEELINGS THAT THEY CAUSE (COULD CAUSE) ARE FREQUENTLY OUTSIDE

some swear in love forever

others are faithful to tears

and I will give you a bag of potatoes

brought

Reality is often simply ignored. A person who is aimed at fulfilling a certain life scenario (with the subsequent experience of planned emotions) is often simply not distracted by everything that is not provided for in the scenario. Skipping hundreds of possible successes because of this.

First, what I planned will happen, then we will enjoy life. Millions of people think so.

Sometimes people even ignore the things that could make their life even better than planned. Simply because it wasn't in their script.

An example is the classic experiment of P. K. Anokhin. This is a neurophysiologist, a follower of I. P. Pavlov, he repeated his experiments (also on dogs, but the same psychological principle works with people).

The dog in Anokhin's experiments, obeying the action of the conditioned reflex, in response to the stimulus, ran down the corridor, opened the feeder box, and received reinforcement. Meat-rusk powder served as a reinforcement, that is, a reward for the performed action - Anokhin worked in the early years of Soviet power, not very much money was allocated for experiments.

And in one of the experiments, by chance, at the oversight of an assistant, they put not meat-rusk powder into the box for reinforcement, but a tastier thing - a piece of meat. The dog, in response to the command, fulfilled all the conditions, opened the box - and at first froze in surprise, and then began to bark violently. No, not to gulp greedily, but to be indignant and bark. Because in her, dog's scenario, there was no meat! And even if meat is better than its substitutes, life did not prepare the dog for this. So the animal was hysterical first.

This experience helped P. K. Anokhin to discover the mechanism of the acceptor of the result of an action (as it is called in the bird's psychological language), or, in simple terms, to describe how expectations and a scenario built in the imagination change behavior - both in dogs and in humans. We expect something in different situations, and act differently depending on whether our expectations come true or not.

And also, if it is in our power, we push the situation to the usual, expected course of events.

Because life also did not prepare us for the fact that not everything in it will go according to the planned scenario. And this is somehow unusual. And this is scary and stressful.

WHAT CAN BE DONE AND WHY

whatever I read about the state of Iowa

great things are going there

what a pity a good rhyme

was

Still, the goal of psychotherapy is a fuller, richer, and, ideally, happy human life. Therefore, the psychologist, having heard in the client's request about the desire to receive something, will most likely:

• work with expectations (to clarify what events the client wants and what emotions he plans to experience from the presence or absence of what he wants: "What do you think will happen to you if this does not happen?")
• audit the client's resources ("and you definitely can't get what you want?") and work with resource strategies ("What do you mean - no, I can't do this? Why?")
• work with the client's values ("where did you get that this event will make you happy?", "who told you that you should do this?")

So please, do not be surprised if you come to a psychologist with a request, say, "save the marriage" (or "teach a child to be industrious", or "find a common language with a conflicting boss"), and leave completely different from what sounded in the very beginning of work. Because in the process, you can get acquainted with your own values (previously not realized) and find that for many years you have not achieved your goals for the sake of experiencing emotions that do not even please you.

In principle, all the approaches I have described are extremely clear. You just need to ask yourself the questions: "Why do I think that this must necessarily happen in my life? Why did I decide that I was promised this? People have failures and even catastrophes, maybe now the same is happening with me?"

Asking yourself: "Why do I think that without this particular event in my life, I will be unhappy?"

Look around: perhaps, in what is happening to me today, there is a lot of beauty - such that will make me rejoice and see the beauty of the world? Maybe there is something valuable to me in what is happening to me?

Well, or come to a psychologist. He will ask you the same questions.

Only it will not be possible to evade them.