Meeting With Another Self

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

A lot of requests in therapy are related to relationships or lack thereof. Clients who experience problems in relationships with the opposite sex or in relationships with people in general give a clear request to work through this annoying moment in their life.

The collision of one I with another I can generate a lot of tension if these I am not ready to meet. What can create tension in this interaction? In my opinion, this is an insufficient understanding of oneself, one's I as an integral subject, and an insufficient understanding of one's real needs, which, perhaps, is closely related to the inability to satisfy them at the beginning of one's life path or a failure of this ability in a later period of life. As a result, a tension arises that seeks to be satisfied as a result of receiving this missing resource from another Self, which, as often happens, is completely unaware of such intentions of the other Self. Yes, one way or another we all use each other, this is how the interaction between people, and this "use" can be viewed from two sides (according to one of the classifications) - it is destructive use and creating use.

So, now we have our I, and "use" that destroys and creates. Now we will try to integrate these two concepts into the question of how people interact with each other and the result of this interaction. Consider a common example: I am in some kind of deficit, suppose it is a deficit of love and attention, security and understanding. In general, a rather short-lived I, which is looking for opportunities (consciously, mostly unconsciously) to receive now or in the future what he (as he believes) needs. At the stage of searching for this "resource", our personality turns its attention to external sources of obtaining a scarce object. It's easier this way. So it is clearer and sometimes difficult to understand where else, except outside, you can get the desired object. On the way to the cherished self, a new obstacle arises in the form of the second I. And here the phenomenon arises, which in many respects pushes people to see a psychologist, this is the phenomenon of interpersonal interaction.

In this interaction there is a lot of things before our I. There is both the ability to face our social loneliness, and the ability to see our reflection and try it on ourselves, and, as in our case, the answer to a request for a shortage of resources.

Here we will consider two options for interaction - destructive and constructive. By destructive interaction, I can take what he needs from another I, while he will destroy him and, as a result, himself. There can be many reasons for destruction: the real absence of the object, and the excessive needs of the taker, and a kind of understanding of the object by the giver. In any case, as a result of such a destructive interaction, two unsatisfied selves diverge in space in the further search for an object and with even greater hunger from a cleared appetite or from such a close opportunity to take what one wants so badly. Destruction can manifest itself in the form of demands, exaggerated standards, criticism, a desire to change another I with the aim of the subsequent appearance of the desired object in him, in the appearance of sadism and masochism, etc.

The interaction of two I's is also possible, in which something new will be created, inherent in these two I separately and common to them at the same time. This can be imagined in the form of love, harmonious relationships, open partnerships, etc.

The creative type of interaction is possible when the subject understands his I and the I of another subject. This phenomenon is beautifully described in Martin Buber's book I and You. Understanding your Self is a process of self-actualization and a clear understanding of who you are, where you are and how you are. These understandings are joined by understandings with whom I am and why I am with them, those understandings that cannot find their natural outlet among clients who come to therapy with a request for a relationship.

Indeed, without a clear understanding of who I am, it is difficult to understand who is next to you. In such a situation, it is really very difficult to build something new, and often it only turns out to destroy.

Self-understanding, or self-actualization, for a person - the ability to realize a lot of what she needs (as a person thinks), can be taken not outside, but also inside oneself. After all, everything that is sensible outside is everything in ourselves. Self-understanding creates exactly the difference that makes relationships harmonious and resourceful. To be with another I am not because he is needed for love, but because I love him. It is certainly possible to look for another I for love, security, understanding, but where are they, those I who are able to give it to us. After all, we create all this ourselves.

It is really important to turn your gaze to understanding your I, it is important to understand whether it is possible, in principle, to satisfy your needs in the way they are being satisfied now. Is this really what we want or not?

It turns out such a small paradox, in order to build relationships with others, you can first build relationships with yourself.