Are You Weak ó? (Manipulation Of Comparison In Relationships)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-07 22:18

Are you weak?

(manipulation of comparison in relationships)

Any manipulation gives tactical superiority. After all, the manipulator set a goal for himself, imagined the path to it, and you became a means to achieve it, but you do not know about it. This frees the hunter's hands, because your misunderstanding that you are only a tool makes you a convenient tool for a skilled puppeteer. It is not surprising that manipulation is the oldest type of psychological influence, and therefore the most developed and even seemingly natural in communication. Well, who would ever think to suspect her beloved of manipulation when she puts her sweet head on your manly shoulder and, gently cooing, says: “Darling, I know that I’ve got you not like this loser S. from the next department - you "You will definitely get a raise to your salary, I really want a new fur coat this year!" And, alas, this message is not much different from the one that many of us hated in childhood: “Well, who are you like? Look how S. is studying, not like you! Look at S. and try in the same way - then you will be good too. " In both the first and second cases, we were faced with the simplest type of manipulative influence - by comparing … This kind of manipulation is often well developed by successful politicians, businessmen, advertising technologists - that is, by all those who are well versed in the psychology of the masses and understand how to manage them.

The comparison is always based on valuation comparison:

• The person is compared to someone with a negative or positive assessment;
• They compare the actions, words and feelings of the same person at different periods of his life;
• The manipulator compares the victim to himself, creating an imaginary sense of community of interests and goals;
• A hidden comparison in order to gradually make it clear to the victim who should be a role model for him.

Why do they compare and how does it work?

The manipulator acts consciously or unconsciously, it is not so important. The important thing is that his motive will always be hidden from the victim and disguised as good intentions or hostile attack, but the "text" and "subtext" of his actions will be different. Comparison is a very simple manipulation in form and, as a rule, its goal is also simple and consists of a couple of steps, and not in complex multi-component chains of actions. Usually the purpose of comparison is to achieve certain benefits for the manipulator, but obtained by your labor.

The main methods of comparison:

1. Make you compete with others or yourself … Competitive struggle forces us to be more active, motivates us to achieve the goal, but set not by us, but by the manipulator;
2. Gain control over the victim, with the help of flattery, praise or derogatory assessment, forcing her to prove what she is worth - in any case, as long as you go out of your way, proving your need, the goal will already be achieved;
3. "Open our eyes" to ourselves, revealing unknown abilities, talents or vices, and then play on this (after all, now he knows us better than even ourselves), pushing us to perform the necessary actions.

It all works mainly because we do not know ourselves enough. Ignorance of one's capabilities gives rise to uncertainty, vulnerability of a life position, the confirmation of which we are constantly looking for from the outside, checking the correctness of each step. The manipulator takes advantage of this weakness by offering ready-made answers and solutions, thus removing responsibility from us, and we willingly delegate this burden to him.

What does it look like?

You faced by comparingif you hear something like the following:

• Lucky S., such a success! And so you need it … (Reaction: I think I have my own path, and I am not S., so I have my own tasks and successes)
• And why are you worse / better than him? (Reaction: I am neither better nor worse, I am different)
• See how you have to do it: S. does it best, this is how you should … (Reaction: the result is achieved in different ways, I am sure that my path will also be successful)
• Look at brother / sister / dad / mom - that's how it should be …

• I don’t recognize you, what happened to you! (Reaction: I'm still the same, tell me why you decided that?)

• It has become impossible to talk to you! (Reaction: I still understand you, let's figure out where the difficulty arose)
• You were not like that, you have changed …

• We completely lost a common language, but earlier …

• You, like me, know what the matter is … (the manipulator creates the illusion of complicity. Reaction: first you explain what the matter is, then I'll think if I can help)
• You and I are so alike, you also strive for … (the manipulator creates the illusion of common goals and interests)
• You're just like me! You, too, understand what you need …

• You are more than a friend to me, you are almost like a brother to me, can you really refuse me … (The manipulator appeals to feelings and responsibility. Reaction: I do not think that we are that close, so I can hardly help you)

• You are my wife, so you must support me in everything … (Reaction: yes, I am your wife, but this does not mean that we should treat everything the same, I have a different opinion and I will not support what may harm you)
• There is nothing better than being rich, you think so too?

• I don't understand, people like him, here's a friend who knows how to live! ( Reaction: I don’t think everything is as we see it, because we don’t know at what cost he got it - everyone has their own ideas about happiness)
• And is it worth doing like this loser? Look at his colleague

• Well, of course, an ordinary person cannot do that, but you … (Reaction: I think you overestimate me)
• You're a man! So behave like a man! (Reaction: Do not take me weakly, I myself will decide what to do)
• Girls don't behave like that! (Reaction: All girls are different, let's not generalize)

and many other phrases that contain an explicit or implicit comparison, focus on the quality or material achievement that the manipulator needs at the moment. The manipulator's goal may well be intangible, it can carry motives of revenge, satisfaction of vanity, ambition, and others.

Defining boundaries

You shouldn't try to outplay the manipulator, it's easier not to play at all, for which it is important to remember some points.

1. Your weaknesses and fears are the main source of manipulation, because it is on their basis that a comparison with anyone else will be built. Awareness of your shortcomings and calm acceptance of them as something that is part of your personality and the subject of your inner work is a guarantee that you will be a bad target for a manipulator, since you already know everything about yourself;
2. It's good to compete when the conditions are equal and predetermined, it's a fair fight. But competition in relationships leads to a senseless destructive war - spouses or friends have nothing to share, they must have common interests and goals. If you understand that your partner is trying to push your foreheads against your family or children, you need to determine what his motive is and stop being a doll in his hands;
3. More self-confidence and self-love! Our insecurity, dislike rejection of ourselves leads to the fact that we are ready to believe anyone who can convince us that the problem is anything but ourselves … Responsibility for our life is a heavy burden, but we can also present claims for its quality only to ourselves, as well as pride in our successes;
4. Everyone is right, everyone is good, smart, successful, and you are one such unfortunate loser? It doesn't work that way. You should not seek outside approval for your actions, because only you can decide what suits you best.and what worsens the quality of life makes you unhappy;
5. You need to learn to refuse, to say "no" in situations that run counter to your beliefs. If you have caught that you are being "taken on weakly", especially for some unknown purpose for you, do not follow the lead of the manipulator - interrupt the situation, be aware of your steps, their consequences and, if necessary, refuse to continue the action.

So,

• Comparison is always based on value comparison;
• A person can be compared with someone else, compare him with himself at different periods of his life, compare the victim with the manipulator himself, creating an imaginary sense of common interests and goals, and hidden comparison can also be used (comparison with a typical representative of a group or positive / negative assessment of a third party);
• The goal is to gain control over the victim, directing it to achieve the goal set by the manipulator;
• In order not to become a target of a manipulator, you need to be aware of your shortcomings and calmly accept them as something that is part of your personality;
• More self-confidence and self-love;
• You should not seek outside approval for your actions, because only you decide what suits you;
• Learn to say no.

The article was written in collaboration with colleague and friend Vera Shutova. Illustration taken from the Internet (Getty Images).