Graveyard Of Unreceived Gifts

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

As for me, what I will write about next is creepy. So at least I thought and experienced it at first. On the other hand - if you think about it - what I'll write about next is a pretty healthy and rewarding way to complete the work in progress.

The rituals of farewell to people who have passed away are known to everyone. There is even a special place for this. In some countries, this is a place with crosses or monuments. Others have walls. Thirdly, as in Japan, with computers and virtual images of the departed loved ones. Fourthly - if you are poor and live in India - with a river …

There is a special place to say goodbye to pets. Stephen King even has a book on the subject. "Pet cemetery". It's creepy to read - but it's not the "creepy" I started with.

Unfortunately, there is no cemetery for the lost relationship. Apparently because they - relationships - are not material, you cannot touch them, kiss them on the forehead, lay flowers on them, dig a grave for them, or turn them into ash. Although I think it would be very helpful. For the health of those who disagree, those to whom the deceased were valuable, who still cannot or does not want to accept …

For as long as I can remember, I hated funerals. And by hook or by crook he tried not to get on them. But only now, after years, I realized something important on this topic. I remember very vividly how my uncle died, and later his father - my grandfather - died. Both times I was forced to be present where I did not want to be present. Both times I sobbed, for a very long time, literally could not stop. Both times my grandmother, who had lost both of them, told me, in the first case to a schoolboy, in the second - to a graduate of the institute: “Dima, what are you doing ?! Why are you crying so much ?? . And I didn't know what. It is itself. Didn't want to stop. And in both cases, when the ritual was completed, I immediately - and I mean instantly - felt a huge relief. There was no relief when my best school friend, Romka, died. I found out about his death only a month later - my parents decided to take care of me. And so I was able to cry over this loss only 2 years ago, at 36, in therapy. So yes - now I understand why all these rituals are important, why musicians tragically play music, and mourners cry …

Somewhere I read statistics that the greatest number of breakups or breakups occur on birthdays. His or her. Or for a period before or after. I remember my relationship for 38 years … Damn, really … Three times … Such a holiday turns out.

If you are "lucky" and you broke up after your birthday, then you or she will have a keepsake. About her. Or about you. A huge "joy" … You will look at him and "rejoice". “To rejoice” in this case can be safely read as “to suffer”. Therefore, many people prefer to throw everything donated to the nearest trash heap or, worse, return the gifts to the donor. And I'm not at all trying to poke fun at or ridicule those who do this - I was there, I know, threw it away, devalued … Do you understand that in such situations you only have to devalue someone who was very valuable? So valuable and important that it is often impossible to experience pain otherwise. And it helps. Such a creative gimmick, as Perls wrote.

But this is when the gifts are presented. But it happens that he wanted, but did not have time. Nishmagla … "Not in the city." "Circumstances". "Let's go next week." Etc. And suddenly everything…. It's over. She's out there somewhere. Well, or he. And they are somewhere here. I mean gifts. They lie. Nicely packaged. With a pink ribbon (or blue - if it's still him). In beautiful vintage paper. Neat. They lie in silence. And the damn silently shouting every day: "And here we are!". It's straight when you start to get used to the fact that everything is as it is … At some point you still want to hand them over, for example, send a courier and leave with the concierge - well, because they are intended for this particular “her” or this particular “him” and donate or just give it to someone - it does not fit in my head. From such reflections, the phrase of a friend or sister quickly deduces: “Do you fucking understand that she doesn’t want to get them ?!”. A phrase "spoken" by a shout. I understand … Shouting has been getting better at me lately.

Or, of course, you can send them to the same place as the previous ones. But the day is coming to understand that today I am no longer where I was then. And I don't want to devalue it anymore. I can. Straight master in this. Stuffed his hand. But I do not want. And I will not. It's not about me anymore. Because I can already admit how valuable they were. She was. Well, or he. And of course what you had. Stop appearing - and start to be.

So sometimes you have the material part of your lost relationship. Sometimes in the form of children. And sometimes it’s easier - in the form of unreceived gifts. And if the relationship is physically intangible, then with a gift things are very different. He can already be taken to where he is now, unfortunately, a place - in the graveyard of gifts. Dig a deeper hole for him. Say goodbye. Say the words that ask for. Or who are not very asking, but it is important for me personally to pronounce them. Lower it to the bottom. Ask if any of those present wants to say something (and it happens that your friend or sister - and sometimes two in one - decides to attend to check if you are crazy). And to rest under the thickness of the earth. And if all this is not laughed at or joked, it becomes easier to breathe. And wandering around the house is no longer so difficult for the eyes. Of course, there are still many feelings - but let's solve the "problems" gradually - at least part of the gestalt can be completed.

Why is there a relationship that you can't feel about the burial of gifts? But very much even to that. Besides, what I am giving is not really a bottle of perfume, plane tickets or a creative evening of your favorite poet, flowers or sweets. And your attitude and feelings. To her. With a very clear, unambiguous and deep message …

“You have invested a lot in these gifts,” I heard from a colleague.

Yes, I fucking invested a lot in these gifts.

Not hryvnia.

Feelings.

Myself.

And while burying these symbols, and through them - your lost relationship, it is important not to bury with them what you put into them.

Myself.

Oh yeah - I already said that.

All in all.

Give and receive gifts.

Give and receive the warmth you want to give and receive.

And if you are not ready or do not want to - be honest with people, well, really - do not fool them. Well, or at least me.

Because time goes by and you never know what will happen tomorrow.

And will it be tomorrow at all.

But today and now it is very much even.

I have.

She has.

And we have next to each other.

Dmitry Chaban