About Value. For Me

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Parting with important people often raises questions about your own worth. Values me for another. And values me for me. At least so with me. Maybe if I had not been so traumatized as a child, then such questions would not have arisen. And there is a silver lining - they say that traumatics make good therapists. Especially if you answer the questions that arise.

Thinking about "then I was not valuable enough" is a painful and unpleasant activity. I do not recommend it. It happens that it turns into (as they say in the West) "rumination" - that is, chewing gum, reflection, where in a circle I play episodes of relationships, in a circle I ask questions, answer or not answer them, and so on. "Well, how could it be", "but I did it", "and if I were still like this", "why was it not valuable", "and if I did this, and they hurt me, then …" etc. But besides the fact that such a reflection is painful - from pain it may be no, no, and something can be born.

The delivery was painful, but the patient delivered healthy … thinking.

Ah … From now on I will use the word “values”. This is not in the sense of "basic life beliefs." And in the sense of "what is important / valuable to me now."

So that's it. If the other does not appreciate me, then I am not valuable (without the other). If the other did not choose me, then I am not valuable enough. Very often this sounds. Aloud. Or in people's heads. And if I'm not valuable to him, he leaves, we part. And he goes to look for someone who is valuable. For him. Now. It is important.

You can blame the other for something as much as you like. Until blue in the face. And you can really turn blue. And you can imagine that what this other is doing - doing for him is fucking important and valuable. Not to justify him. Or remove responsibility. Or to deny that he manipulated me and acted "badly" with me. But it's simple - to understand that it is valuable for him to do just that. Otherwise, would he have done this? Otherwise he would have acted differently.

Well, for example. Let's dream up. For example, I live for myself, such a person, and now (due to my severe injury or something else) I grossly violate the boundaries of other people, I break them. I can’t do otherwise. And we can say that the opportunity to do it next to someone who allows me to do it is valuable for me. For me, it is valuable now to be a violation of someone's boundaries. And it is advisable not to be caught red-handed and arrested for this (on the border of states, you know, for this they can be killed with machine guns and pistols). And if you are caught, then it is better to deny the responsibility, to say that “I didn’t want to,” “I got lost,” that “I thought that this was still our territory.” Because admitting responsibility is toxicly embarrassing. Well, if I meet someone who is against me violating his boundaries and also tells me about it - then excuse me, my friend, this does not suit me - this is what is valuable to me now, and we are not on the way with the objector. And I will continue to continue looking for someone who matches this my understanding of what is valuable to me: allowing me to transcend boundaries.

Or. Such a fantasy. It is important for me (due to my severe injury or something else) to receive what I did not receive in childhood. The sooner I received less, the more I want to get more. As Nina Rubshtein wrote in one of her wonderful posts - I start another one "to eat, because it is very tasty." And if you devour the other, then you don’t need to give anything to anyone - only crumbs will remain. For me, the most valuable thing is to receive more than to give. And then a partner is valuable to me, who does not ask for anything, but gives me. And he does not mind, does not get angry, does not take offense, does not voice that he also wants to receive. And if he starts to object, get angry, take offense, voice - then the value of him as a source of what I want to receive here and now begins to stagger a lot. And it may collapse. Well, just because I'm looking for something else (even though I may not voice it out loud to someone else or even to myself). It is valuable for me not to give back now. And I will continue to continue looking for someone who corresponds to this my understanding of what is valuable to me: taking more than giving.

And here I am, such a person who respects boundaries, striving for balance in relationships, not only giving, but also receiving, asking for forgiveness if I did garbage, recognizing my jambs, zones of difficulties, not denying them, but also expecting that it is the same will be done by a partner who is angry, but does not leave the contact, because the other is very important for me … And here I am such a special super-hero, a knight in white armor, a prince on a white horse, and so on, I - who did not fit to another and the other leaves. How?! Am I not valuable enough? What's wrong with me?

It's like that. I'm valuable. With what I can and am ready to do - everything is in order. They just expected something different from me. See above. And this does not mean that he did not manipulate and did "good" to me.

And when the other leaves to look for something valuable for him now in a different direction, it is important to understand that he is leaving the place where they no longer began to serve the needs of this other on his terms. Well, because if there were mutually beneficial conditions and mutual satisfaction, then why leave, right?

It hurts to admit that the other did not understand each other. That he expected me to be that way for him. And I expected that he would be like that for me. And they could even voice these expectations out loud. But they still did not understand. Or vice versa - maybe they even heard, and understood very well, but … But that what was valuable for me was not valuable for another here and now. To another, something else is really valuable now. And now this is valuable to me.

When another leaves me in search of his very important values for him, and I with my values remain where I remain, it is important to understand that everything is all right with me. That his care for his values does not in any way diminish what I did for another, does not diminish in any way my value for others and for myself.

It's just that different things were and are valuable to me and others.

And if there is someone who will give another the opportunity to violate their borders on his terms, then there is probably someone who will give me respect for my boundaries on my or rather on our common terms.

I know that I AM. That I am, whose “values” can be values not only for me.

There is definitely someone to whom - as well as to me - it is valuable to respect the boundaries of the other and take care of their own.

There is definitely someone to whom - just like me - it is valuable not only to receive, but also to give. Not like duty. But because he wants and gives.

There is definitely someone to whom - just like me - it is valuable that I am, and I breathe. Better near. Better close. Better in the ear. But it’s not very hot.

Dmitry Chaban

Kiev. October 2018.