Stranger Children

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I'm 40 years old. My oldest son is 35. How is this possible? Easily. I turned 21 when I married his father. And yesterday my daughter turned 21. We met when she was 5. Since I had been dating older men for a long time, many other people's children had been in my arms. And oddly enough, I still consider some of them mine. How does it feel to love someone else's child? And is there any need to try to love him at all?

"Love me - love my dog." Many couples build relationships on this principle. You can try to tame someone else's pet, you can lisp with it in the presence of the hostess and secretly drive it from the sofa, you can even ignore it and put it out of the matrimonial bedroom at the right time, closing the door in front of your nose. When it comes to someone else's child, everything is much more complicated.

A child is not only a part of a loved one. It is also a part of his past - a reminder of his ex-wife, an unpleasant divorce, or unsuccessful attempts to "build bridges" with relatives. Not only is a child from a previous relationship a reflection of a parallel life beyond your control, it is also a separate person with its own character, claims, demands and shortcomings.

Not all children calmly and sympathetically accept the new partner of the mother or the friend of the father. Not all children are pleasant to talk to. Not all children correspond to your idea of a "normal child". They are often excellent tools for manipulation and settlement of accounts. And it happens that these "alien" children physically resemble someone who is unpleasant to you. Not only that, they also want undivided ownership of the attention of their parent - your partner - and do their best to push you into the background. Such children are difficult to love and difficult to accept.

And it happens, on the contrary, that the child is wonderful. Here is an absolute angel who looks at you with loving eyes and is ready to follow you to the ends of the world. And you still quietly hate him and hate yourself even more for the fact that you cannot find the reason for your negativity in him. And then you start to get angry at his impeccability, at his need for your attention, at his forgiveness for your rudeness and harshness. And you are ashamed, and this makes you even more angry.

Each situation is individual and requires an individual approach. But there is, perhaps, something in common in all. You don't have to LOVE someone else's child. Read it again. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED. Dot.

Now exhale and release yourself. Stop kicking and blaming yourself for your feelings or lack of them.

Stop getting angry. Just accept the fact that there are other people in your partner's life. There are many, they are different, and they all have their place in his priority structure. This does not mean at all that your priorities should be the same. You may not want, love, or practice. What you DON'T be able to do is manipulate, bully, offend and humiliate. Otherwise, it is primarily disrespect for yourself and your partner.

There are no former children. If your husband (or wife) continues to communicate with his family and genuinely loves his children, he is a worthy person to rely on. If you want to keep the peace in your relationship, be wise and neutral. Set your boundaries and set rules. If "other people's" children live on your territory, share rights and responsibilities. You have every right to demand compliance with the agreements, but you must be correct and fair. You may not love this child and not try to take a place in his heart, but you must be an adult and reasonable. As soon as you yourself turn into a capricious offended toddler, you lose that very priority and significant role in the new family hierarchy, for which you are so zealously fighting.

Remember, your emotions are only yours, and the responsibility for them lies with you. Neither past life children, nor parents, nor even the ex-partners of a loved one can force you to do what you do not want. If you feel annoyed, ask yourself what the real cause is - because it is always in you. It can be powerlessness, envy or jealousy, lack of confidence in your status or violence against yourself in an attempt to comply with some ideals that are alien to you. And in fact, it has nothing to do with other people's children. They just play the role of the most obvious irritants, becoming a kind of buffer between you and your denial of your own emotions. Let yourself be yourself and listen to how your relationship is actually developing. Do not try to drive yourself and others into some far-fetched framework. Play by ear, respect yourself and those around you, and you will be surprised what new colors your relationship will sparkle.