2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
They stood in front of me, three overweight, slightly hunched over, looking through me with expressionless eyes. Like three old men, among whom I could hardly make out an 18-year-old young man. After a moment of confusion, I turned to him, greeted all three, and invited only a young man to enter “Good afternoon, Ilya. Come in … . All three, doomed, almost without raising their heads, one after another, gathered to start moving towards the entrance to my office….
The initiator of the consultation was the father of the young man, who at that time had been divorced from his mother for more than fifteen years. The new family and business demanded moving to a permanent place of residence in another country, but he did not forget his son - monthly transferring funds for maintenance. I must say that this money was quite enough for a comfortable existence for the whole family - mom, grandmother and Ilya. Therefore, it was not accepted to work.
My father's ultimately demand to visit a psychologist met with a quiet, sad resistance at first. But, exactly the way it was not accepted to work in this family, so, in general, it was not accepted to resist too. It must be so. This is a tacit agreement, into which you immerse yourself as if in cotton wool, when there is no way to say the word "no", since it is even difficult to breathe.
The initiator of the request was the father. "Excess weight, apathy, spoiled the guy, no friends, all day at the computer, skips school …" came from the tube.
“Okay, I will accept your son, but I promise nothing. The initiator of the request is you - and he may have a completely different vision of the situation. My suggestion is that if the topic of contacting a psychologist is really relevant for your son, let him call me back and we will make an appointment with him”.
Literally 5 minutes after I hung up the phone, the phone rang again. At the other end, I was surprised to hear a quiet echo "My name is … my mom … said … must agree …" - snatches of phrases came.
"I need to discuss the issue of consultation with your son …" - I repeated the final phrase of the previous conversation. An indistinct rustling followed. Another minute or two and I heard a voice, confused, a little embarrassed. "I was told … I have to …". Ilya and I (that was the name of my future patient) and I made an appointment for the next Wednesday, accompanied by voice background maternal accompaniment.
It was not a big surprise for me to see all three (mother, grandmother and Ilya) in front of the office door five minutes before the start of the session time. The women were determined to get to the session with Ilya at all costs.
“I invite only Ilya. He is already an adult and can be in the office unaccompanied - I patiently explained to her once the rules of the setting.
At that moment it seemed to me that they did not even listen to the meaning of my words, but simply froze for a moment in a single impulse to break into the office. Ilya faded into the background, the first were his mother and grandmother.
The grandmother was the first to move away from some confusion and to break the silence of the waiting room.
"You see, Maria Anatolyevna, he cannot be here (she pointed to a patient chair) … alone …"
"But he is 18 years old and he is quite capable of withstanding his loneliness for 50 minutes … These are the rules - all adults are accepted individually, only the therapist and the patient are present at the session, this is one of the rules of therapeutic work …" I deliberately several times during my monologue uttered the word "rules" loudly.
It should be noted that I was still standing in the doorway of my office, and three, including my patient, were stomping on the doorstep and, as it seemed, my mother and grandmother were not going to give up their positions.
Grandmother decided to change tactics a little … when she heard about the rules, she started with … “Maria Anatolyevna, but there is an exception … you also have children, why don’t you understand … we need to be with him, you’re a doctor (here they are clearly thickened - I am a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, and, therefore, not a doctor) - we need to know his diagnosis … and what should we do …"
Mom supported the topic.
"Yes, yes, we need to know what we need to do …"
They both looked like slightly anxious birds and were absolutely consistent in their desire to know absolutely everything about the life of "their child". Such enveloping perseverance - there is nothing for us not to loosen control … or together … or …
And the session time has already started 7 minutes ago …
“There are rules, and according to them, the session has been going on for 7 minutes, and I could have worked with Ilya for 7 minutes, you are taking his time away from him….”
They certainly did not expect such a turn …
Mom sobbed a little, her eyes were almost wet.
"We? We are all … for him … only … we cannot "take away" … we only give …. How can you !!!!"
Taking advantage of this temporary confusion, I re-invited the patient to the booth "Ilya, come in" - I said.
Ilya suddenly became very small and inconspicuous, folding almost into four, he slipped into the office, which was strange to observe, referring to his complexion.
Mom and grandmother, without blinking, looked at me, it seems that they did not even notice that Ilya entered the office.
The disposition at the tenth minute of the session was as follows - Ilya was in the office, I was on the threshold at the door, two temporarily orphaned women were on the threshold from the reception area. And they were clearly not going to surrender, still not abandoning their attempts to follow Ilya into the office.
A new attempt … "He does not know what he needs to talk about …" - seemed to both women a weighty argument in favor of attending the session. Tears are about to roll out of their eyes. They silently cried, without sobbing, as if the whole meaning of life for them for the next thirty minutes remaining from the session had been lost.
“There are rules, and they are like that… You continue to take Ilya's time… You can wait in the waiting room” - with these words I still managed to close the office door.
At the 11th minute, the session began….
I proceeded to my chair. Ilya was sitting almost on the tip of his. He straightened, but his gaze was fixed somewhere in the corner of the office. He did not react in any way to the fact that I sat down opposite, did not even look away. He was silent … and ten minutes later I heard a quiet echo … "Thank you …".
Afterword.
A child goes through three stages in his mental development. The first is complete dependence (from birth to 6-8 months), the second is relative dependence (from 6-8 months to two years), the third is the building of independent relations with the outside world, including one's parents (from about two years old).
The first stage is characterized by complete merging with the mother, there is no way to live without her, the baby is completely dependent both emotionally and physically. If the mother (or her substitute), for some reason, cannot take care of the baby and emotionally contact him well enough, then the problems of this period in later life develop into deep psychological conflicts up to severe mental illness.
The second stage is characterized by the fact that the mother allows the child to “be with her in her presence, but at the same time separate from her,” thereby helping to form the child's individual “I”. If this does not happen, or it does not happen to an adequate extent, and the mother does not give this independence, then she thereby contributes to the formation of the so-called “fragile identity” in her child. Already in adulthood, it will be difficult for such a child to find inner stability and emotional support within himself. The problems of adult life are obvious - a person does not understand himself, his needs, cannot build healthy relationships with the outside world (including his parents).
The third stage is characterized by the fact that in the child's psyche such concepts as "I myself", "my desires", "I and the other" appear. At this stage, you can already begin to build an independent relationship with the outside world, gradually realizing that you are different, different from your parents and he has his own individual desires, and they are different from the desires of others. He can build relationships with others as with people separate from him.
Having passed all three stages in his mental development, a person can be aware of himself and his desires regarding the world around him and build fairly healthy relationships with people.
And in conclusion, I want to say - the main task of parents, as I see it, is to make them essentially “not needed” by their children, that is, to grow in their children the very emotionally adult internal object on which they can rely in their life and, thanks to which, they will help and support their parents.
