2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Since I have been writing a lot lately about psychopaths, liars and manipulators, people turn to me with burning questions “how to be” and “what to do”. How to behave when someone lies to you? How to deal with those who violate your boundaries. So, in order not to get up twice, I decided to answer here.
In my work, I am guided by three fail-safe principles:
- If you can leave - leave
- Think about yourself and your condition, not about the reasons for the behavior of others
- Your choice is your responsibility
I'll explain in more detail now. If at work you come across a person who is constantly lying, you have no way to "just leave." However, you can minimize communication outside the office and limit yourself to business correspondence. If a person lies on topics that are directly related to their work activities, check the facts, save emails, pay attention to repetitive patterns in order to recognize the lie in time.
Do not rush to hang labels and make diagnoses from photos. I am very annoyed when people, at the first sign of "wrong" behavior, immediately stigmatize the interlocutor as a psychopath, narcissist, or worse. Each term has a meaning. Don't take them in vain.
If people wore diagnoses on their sleeves, the world would be much simpler than it really is, and our communication would look like this:
- Hello, I'm Vasya, I'm a psychopath.
- Hi, I'm Masha, I'm a daffodil. Sorry, we are not on the way, because narcissists have nothing to profit from communicating with a psychopath.
- Yes, you are right, I have a black hole instead of emotions, and your emotional swing will annoy me.
- All the best. Hello trauma!
As my son says, "It would be funny if it weren't so true." It is important to remember that not all lies are pathology. And not all people have a personality disorder, and not everyone roams the city to manipulate someone. There are people with accentuations - they live in a fantasy world. Allow the person to be an elf or a fairy as long as it doesn't hurt the job.
I always preach the same approach - do not try to change others, do not bother with their diagnosis - provide yourself a safe and calm workplace - the rest is not your area of responsibility.
I have about the same attitude to the issue of "defending borders". Yes, of course, your personal boundaries must be able to define and defend. But this does not always imply open conflict and military action. It makes sense to prove something only to the one with whom you are on the way. Then it is beautifully called "interpersonal communication" and is a necessary component of a successful relationship. However, in most cases, all those "brazen and ill-mannered" border trespassers are just passers-by in your life. They do not need to explain anything - it is enough to politely "push" out of your personal space, and that's it. By the way, the ignore method works great. Have you been hurt in the comments? Answering is optional (I'm still learning this). Did you get nasty? A raised eyebrow and a disdainful look work much better than a response.
If you do not accept other people's negativity, it remains outside your personal space. This is the best border protection - don't drag dirt off the street. The choice is always yours.
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