About Shame

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In this article I want to talk a little about such an important feeling as shame.

I will not pretend to be original and complete, I will only tell you about my vision of the issue.

There are many definitions of this feeling, personally I like the following:

"shame is a painful state of awareness of one's basic defectiveness as a human being" (Ronald T. Potter-Efron),

as well as:

shame is the result of interrupting contact in the field (Gordon Miller).

Shame appears early enough in childhood. Some researchers argue that shame is recorded even in infants 15 days of age, at least even then the child demonstrates behavior that at a later age is called a feeling of shame. There is also an opinion that shame is inherent in a person from birth. Toxic shame, on the other hand, develops in children around the age of three. In this article, I would like to describe this feeling in adults from the point of view of gestalt therapy.

Shame is a social feeling that occurs in contact with another person. Most often these are parents, including adoptive parents, grandparents, and other adults who are significant for the child.

It is important to separate “ normal », « creative", Natural shame and shame" toxic ».

Creative shame. It is necessary for the regulation of relations in society. It is needed so that a person can live in a society of people. It is by feeling and experiencing shame that the child learns to live in society. The child learns what is normal and accepted in a given society, and what is not. For example, that it is not customary to send out natural needs on the street, go naked, etc.

Shame stops us, it serves to ensure that we behave within the framework of the norms and rules of behavior accepted in a given society. Just imagine what would happen in society if everyone did only what he wanted at the moment - chaos would reign!

Shame adjusts the balance between our self-image - how we present ourselves and the actions we take. When there is a mismatch between what we do and who we think we are, shame arises. Shame also arises when we “betray” some of our values. It is a marker of what is really important to us. For example, instead of doing something that is really important for us, we are doing something else - “deceiving” ourselves, “betraying” …

Shame is a mechanism that allows us to react more attentively to our surroundings. This is a "challenge" marker. He shows us that we are getting out of something familiar, doing something new for ourselves. And it's normal to feel ashamed in this situation. Moreover, in this case, there is a process of psychological growth of a person. For example, if I have never tried myself in the role of a journalist, then it is quite natural to "worry" before recording.

There is always a need behind shame. For example, the need for love, acceptance, recognition, etc.

When arises normalshame should stop, pause and ask yourself: “What would I like to receive in this situation and from whom? What do I need to do for this?"

However, on the other hand, shame suppresses activity: it is impossible to freely and naturally speak, act, etc. Shame limits us and makes it impossible or difficult to further deviate from the "norm." Shame seems to tell us: “wait, don't rush until it's time …”: shame is concerned about our safety.

Toxicshame develops around the age of three to five. A small child is completely dependent on adults, without them he cannot survive. If the parents do not give the child what is called "unconditional love", but give "conditional love" parental requirements. Parents verbally or non-verbally tell the child what he should be in order to earn their love. They can constantly compare their child with others, it is difficult or impossible to please these parents, such parents are cold and rejecting. This is how toxic shame. Behind the shame is the fear of being rejected, the fear of being abandoned. In general, in many languages of the world there are similar phrases: "Shame on you!", "You should be ashamed!" and the like. That is, the parents actually tell the child, what he must feel! And if he does this doesn't want?!

For prevention, it is very important that in adolescence the child sees the "imperfection" of his parents. And this is the task of parents: to show that they are imperfect, imperfect, and can also be wrong. Then, seeing this “imperfect” image of the parent, the child can accept the image of himself as “imperfect”. It is important to have the "right to make mistakes"!

Toxic shame arises regardless of the situation, this is its difference from " normal ». Normal, creative shame is situational, depending on the situation. Toxic same - it is as if there is all the time, even at night, even in bed … A person seems to feel his inferiority all the time, he is "not like that", not a man, not a man, not a woman, not a specialist. And it is assumed that the other 8 billion people see it, but do not show it, or may notice it. That is, there is always someone “other” in shame, and it is not so important whether this is a real person, or an image of a person (including someone who has already died), an image of God, etc.

Man with toxic shame does not get enough experience of contact with other people - he has a constant fear of being rejected by others. Now for an adult, rejection can be painful, even very painful, but not fatal. For a small child, rejection = a threat to his existence. And for adults, a few centuries ago, rejection meant expulsion from the community, from the village, and this is certain death, since a person was not able to survive alone.

If a person feels “not like that”, then to compensate for this, he can imagine himself as an “ideal self” - to get rid of the feeling of shame. The result is a sense of arrogance and pride as opposed to shame. And this ideal is unattainable in principle, and soon there is a feeling of one's own insignificance. This behavior is typical, for example, of narcissists.

An “ideal image” can be assigned to another person in contact. Then there is an idealization of the image of this other person and its obligatory subsequent depreciation. There is no real meeting with another person. While idealizing the other, a person with toxic shame, as it were, identifies himself with this “ideal” other and does not feel his own “inferiority” in something. If shame is unbearable in the mental sphere, identification may occur, for example, with a teacher at a university; in the sphere of power - with the boss, strength - with a sports coach. If in the field of beauty - then as in Pushkin's fairy tale: “My light, mirror! tell me, but report the whole truth: … "if the answer is positive, then it is good, for a while everything is in order. If the answer does not suit you, anger will turn on to the point of rage: “Oh, you disgusting glass! You're lying to spite me. " In this sense, toxic shame is like an addiction - the next "dose" is constantly required. It helps, but only for a while.

Shame is one of the first to break contact. A person has a constant, often unconscious fear that he is “somehow not like that” and that he will definitely be rejected. Therefore, in order not to feel this unbearable experience, a person will not become closer to other people. Well, if it just so suddenly happened that they got even a little closer to another person, then it is imperative to launch the mechanism of “anticipatory rejection”. To find faults in another person and reject him. After all, if I manage to leave / leave him before he can consider me, then he will not see me as I really am!

A person with toxic shame is bad with gratitude. She is mechanical, insincere, without a feeling of "warmth in his chest."

Toxic shame does not give us the right to make mistakes. If mistake = disaster, then in order to avoid the burning feeling of shame, the person chooses to do nothing at all. Doing nothing will not make a mistake. Shame prevents us from trying our hand at a new position, asking for a raise, for a pay raise, approaching a girl, etc.

There is always a lot of energy in shame, even in toxic, but there this energy is not used properly: it is directed inward, towards itself.

There is also a lot of pleasure in shame. And the degree of pleasure is proportional to the degree of shame: the less shame (for example, "embarrassment") - the greater the pleasure and vice versa.

If the child's parents were good enough, accepting, loving, then toxic no shame arises. The person seems to say to himself: “Yes. I'm good enough on my own. There are some drawbacks, but still I'm good."

I think there will always be someone who is better than us in some way. And there will always be someone worse. But no one will be the same as us. The experience of your own worth appears in the experience of your own uniqueness. That set of different experiences, qualities, knowledge is unique and inimitable. Nobody has it except us. In my opinion, this idea is very supportive and helps not to be afraid and not ashamed to be yourself.

How is shame manifested?

At the bodily level, we lower our head and look down, the shoulders are understood and directed, as it were, forward, as if we are trying to become smaller. Hyperemia (redness) of the visible areas of the body - face, hands, décolleté. There may be an increased heart rate, sweating. There is a feeling that we are doing something “wrong”. Man in toxic to shame he feels himself as if "disgraced, dirty, insignificant, petty, worthless." At the same time, objective facts proving the opposite are simply ignored. We say: “I am ready to sink into the ground,” that is, shame is so unbearable that one wants not just to run away from other people, but to escape from reality, “remove ourselves,” as if we have no right to be among people at all. We are ashamed of the fact that we exist, the very fact of our existence. If at the same time it is possible to physically escape from the society of other people - the shame will go deep, the person will feel relief, but only for a while.

Oddly enough, one of the forms of manifestation of shame is what is usually called shocking (if it is manifested to a greater extent - shamelessness). A person seems to be trying with all his might to prove to himself, and to others, too, that he has no shame. In this case, the person "runs away", does not meet with his shame, the experience does not occur. The energy of shame is, as it were, directed outward. Internal experience does not occur, and, being left alone with oneself (and with one's shame), the feeling of shame only intensifies.

So what can you do about it? WITH normal, non-toxic you don't have to do anything with shame. As I wrote above, it is necessary. WITH toxic you have to work.

Since shame is a social feeling and arises in contact with other people, it is also necessary to work with shame in contact with another person. And best of all, if it is a close person. Even if you just tell another person about what you are ashamed, the level of shame decreases or even goes away (unless the shame is toxic ). It can be a friend, girlfriend, spouse, psychologist, psychotherapist. This is the one that you are safe with, the one that you are not afraid to open up to. A good cure for shame is solidarity.

A person with toxic shame many introjects (taken on faith without critical reflection on the opinions, statements of other people). Introjects are assimilated and extrapolated to the whole self-image. A person then is not ashamed of specific actions, actions, but of himself. In this case, you need to work with introjects. For example, one of my clients once mentioned that he does not feel fully a man and is ashamed because he did not serve in the army. In response to my words that over the years that have passed since my service, not a single person has ever said to me something like "did you serve? Man, I respect!" at first he froze, then replied that in all his thirty years he did not even think that it was not necessary.

Often, shame is disguised as guilt and fear. The difference between shame and guilt is that in shame, the "observer" looks at us, as it were, and in guilt, at our actions. In shame, a person realizes himself as something "not so, wrong", and in case of guilt, only an act is wrong, only an action or inaction, while the person himself is "good enough". It is important to share these feelings and call them by their proper names. Although, of course, all these feelings can be present together.

Generally, the goal of psychotherapy is not to make a person shameless. The goal of psychotherapy is to make shame portable. It is necessary to restore the process of experiencing shame in contact with another person in order to get a new experience of a non-traumatic experience of shame, and find those people with whom you can share your shame and not go into isolation.

If you notice the above for yourself, I want to say: there is nothing wrong with that - you were taught that way. You can live with your shame!