2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Cold. Fearfully. Dull gray thoughts swarm far in the depths. I want love and warmth. I want to curl up into a ball, like I'm lying on a cold sheet. I do not want to gray and terrible thoughts-memories. “Be positive and successful” I hear from Others. "Do not Cry. Be strong, "the Others shout to me.
I want to be strong and successful. I want it quickly and immediately. So that chick and everything is good, and without gray thoughts! “Forget them,” the Others say. Doesn't come out right away. I cry again. Life flows like sand through your fingers. Faster Faster. I'm running for success. I run and he is near. I run and here I am holding success by the tail. Success breaks out, we still have to run. You have to work, work hard, success is money. We need more, more, more and more. My legs hurt, my soul hurts, gray thoughts creep into my head even during fatigue. Why do I need so much, why do I run? It doesn't matter, I don't want to fall, I don't want to be alone.
I want warmth and love. Maybe success is He and She. Like in the movies. Glasses and candles, the ocean shore … Yes, I will find Him as in songs and films one finds Love. I will find Him quickly, otherwise there is no strength to endure. Otherwise, I'm a loser in the fast and bright neon world. I search, I throw myself from side to side. Otherwise, shame and guilt. In a vibrant world, successful people are accepted. It is not, there is Wine, there is Kurevo. Wine pours like red blood and floods loneliness, drowns gray thoughts in my head. It doesn't hurt about me! Thoughts drowned. How good!
Morning. Cold. How my head hurts. Gray thoughts are here again. They are even closer. How to get rid of them, wine anesthesia over and over again. She is insidious, each time the dose is more and more. You need a stronger remedy.
I want warmth and love. I want to kill loneliness. I will find it. Fast. Why think what He is. He is beautiful and here he is. The first one who smiled at me. He is beautiful and perfect, but unhappy. He also has gray thoughts. I will save Him! I will banish his gray thoughts. I will do his business, I will make his career.
I'm not there. There is He, his health, affairs, problems. I am a part of Him. It's a thrill! Better than wine, there is no me and therefore no gray thoughts. I serve Him. And I don't need to be successful because I am not, but He is. I am part of him, I am saving him. And I know how best for Him. I do for Him. He even shouted at me. Silly how you can shout at a part of yourself!
It hurts me. My body is still there. It hurts, it attracts disease, I even hit the furniture when I walk around the room. The body is there and I also am. And yet He is not me. He is healthy and he is leaving. Leaves for another woman. Healthy. She, too, will build Him and love Him. I lie and I am alone. Gray thoughts and illnesses eat me.
I cannot live in this pain. I read about gray thoughts. Articles and books. I want to understand why, I want to turn off the pain. I'm drowning, drowning. He is on the other and I am alone. Books help, books clarify. But I want to turn off the pain and understand. I'm going to therapy.
I'm in therapy. How strange and incomprehensible. And the pain recedes. But gray thoughts are near. It's difficult. I look at them for therapy. There are memories. The old ones. Erased. The bad ones. There feelings are real feelings. Alive. I can feel! Pain, shame, guilt … turn off AAA, I'll go to the vino. And there is dullness. I'll be back. I will unwind memories like a ball of threads. I cry about the past, I cry a lot. The pain recedes.
The pain went away. Feelings remained. And there is joy and sometimes I am happy. I feel warm. Life flows through me and I live, I live. And I'm alive. I'm cold and I can warm myself. And I love myself. Oh and I can love Others. They are so alive, full of their pains and joys. And the world is beautiful around!
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