Married Life

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"We do not choose each other by chance … We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious" - Sigmund Freud.

At first glance, it is not clear what Freud meant. I'll try to explain a little. We choose a partner whose traits and qualities are close to us. Such a partner, with the help of which we can satisfy our internal needs. Yes, this is not always an environmentally friendly choice. Why? Due to the fact that often we UNCONSCIOUSLY want to act out our old grievances, childhood traumas. From these traumas and grievances, an internal, unconscious image appears within us.

But since the person we have chosen is still different from the inner image, conflicts and quarrels appear. This immerses you even more into childhood trauma.

At this moment, our psyche is trying to act in its usual way and the usual protective mechanisms are turned on. They differ from person to person. Someone begins to distance themselves, someone, on the contrary, tries to get as close as possible, sometimes even dissolve in another person. Also, everything is different in its intensity, intensity and duration.

What is the reason for this? Let's try to consider this from the perspective of trust in the world. Trust in the world is formed at an early age through mother-child interaction. Our perception of the world depends on these relationships. Will we feel comfortable and safe in it, or be afraid of everything. If the mother forms a healthy and reliable bond with the child, then the child grows self-confident, open, and able to ask for help if required. The child transfers a safe relationship with his mother to the whole world and himself. Already in adulthood, such a person, he will openly communicate with a partner, will love and love, relations will build on the principle of equality and respect. His fears will not radically interfere with building his professional life, life with a partner. The desire to be with someone and the desire to be alone do not contradict each other and exist equally. Yes, yes, such a person calmly perceives loneliness, he understands its necessity and does not fall into depression or anxiety.

People with such life experience adequately endure separation from a partner (business trip, study, and so on), maintain contact and warm relations with him. They know how to ask for help if their strength or resources are exhausted. They know how and can show themselves weak and do not feel guilty or fear about it.

The opposite situation is when the mother of the child is unpredictable, inconsistent, anxious, insensitive, cold, stingy with the manifestation of love. It is even worse when the child is brutally and often beaten or morally bullied. These people find it difficult to build relationships or their relationships are toxic. They begin to cling to a person, or vice versa, push their partner away. When these people come into conflict with a partner, all their childhood fears come to life in full force, and they begin to cling to the other person, or break off the relationship at the very beginning of the quarrel, without clarifying the situation.

Sometimes the self-sufficiency of such people is so emphasized that it is surprising. Sometimes it seems that they are directly praising her, but behind this, in fact, there is a huge amount of pain. But it is very difficult to come to this Bole, since the contact with feelings is severed. They can be very cold-blooded and calculating in relationships and mate choices.

If a child is severely beaten or bullied as he grows up, he becomes emotionally unstable. Mood swings and states are striking in their amplitude. Also in relationships. It is very difficult to predict their actions. One patient pursued a long and very persistent relationship with a colleague. As soon as they started a relationship, she left him. Gave up after a week of relationship. In addition, she quit her job

How, then, to build relationships and how to look for a partner for a person who can build healthy relationships? I repeat Freud's words: "We do not choose each other by chance … We meet only those who already exist in our subconscious." It is almost impossible to make a conscious choice. Consciousness (like it or not) is only a small part of our psyche. You need to go to therapy and look for the reasons why your relationship develops exactly the way it develops. Explore and experience feelings that are associated with events in the past. Look for new ways to "make friends with the world."