2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The voice with which we speak with our child now will remain with him forever.
It is with this voice that he will talk to himself, becoming an adult. All reproaches, moralizing, our dissatisfaction with him will be taken as the basis of his own attitude towards himself.
Whether he will be able to support himself, cheer him up, whether he will have peremptory faith in his own strengths, how kind he will be to himself and whether he can be kind to himself at all, depends on what we are telling him now.
Mother's voice, mother's attitude, mother's requirements and expectations - this is that parental “I” that will fulfill the role of “conscience” all my life and become an “internal critic” for an adult. Whether this critic will be a support or an inquisitor depends on us.
Parental words and the idea of mom and dad about him for the child is an absolute truth. As if God himself told him once and for all what he is and what he is.
It is very difficult to remake the core of personality laid down by the parents, to repaint it in a different color. And the more mines and black, echoing holes pulling into the abyss in it, the more difficult it is for a person to rely on himself.
Mom's faith and support, dad's recognition of her daughter's unconditional beauty and charm are what make up calm and self-confident women.
The role of the father in the girl's life is to support and recognize her excellence. For girls, dad is the ideal man. An unattainable ideal. The wisdom of a father is to love his wife and daughter, but in different ways. To be a couple with his wife, lovers, two people who love each other. It is according to these relationships, visible in childhood, that the girl will build her family.
And in the daughter to put faith in what is irresistible. Put in words. The daughter sees her femininity through the eyes of her father. His opinion is the opinion of the entire male half of humanity. Recognition of her beauty and femininity, plus unconditional support, is what creates a deep sense of security and self-confidence.
Mom's faith in her son, in his courage and independence, and at the same time unconditional support, when he needs help; Dad's respect and recognition is what creates the core of the personality. A deep feeling of being strong, fulfilling, real. This is what gives support and stability. An unshakable belief that the world loves you and will always support you.
What will remain with our children when we are no longer there?
Our voices, the words that we spoke to them in childhood.
Our favorite phrases. What we repeated day after day. What we said in rage and despair, out of great love and a desire to protect.
What we said from our helplessness. What we were told, and we repeat without hesitation, without delving, because this is how it is necessary, that is how everyone is brought up.
It is on these phrases, spoken by us with fervor and ardor, in complete conviction of his righteousness, that our child will rely on when he grows up.
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Recently, my eight-year-old daughter was late from school. The second shift, it's already dark and she forgot her phone at home. The daughter's friend, with whom she was returning, left her to wait for some boy near the entrance.
I ran through the nightly neighborhood, hoping that in the depths of the playgrounds I could make out the white sleeves of her blazer. The distance from home to school at normal times is small, but at that moment, it seemed to me incomprehensibly huge, like an ocean in which I can never find my daughter.
When I returned, a frightened daughter was waiting for me at home. The eldest son, who was ordered to rush in search, met her from the other side of the house.
I think my daughter was as scared of what happened as I was. She was ready to hang all the dogs on herself, to brand herself in all mortal sins, as a person who will never deserve forgiveness.
It took me a tremendous effort to speak to her, choosing every word. To explain why I am so scared, what I am really afraid of. Explain without horror and parental tales, but as if I were talking to myself.
I said that she is smart and everything is fine with her, and her actions scared me. I really hope that our conversation will help her to become an adult Bole, and when she has to make a decision again, she will be able to analyze everything and make it right.
*******************
We cannot put a straw under every situation that can happen to a child. In addition, parents are full of absurd, completely irrational fears. And in our quest to protect, we kill all living things.
All parental messages, which become an insurmountable wall for an adult, were spoken out of great love and with one purpose - to protect
My job is to talk to adults. Support, help to figure it out and find a way out.
And do you know what people stumble upon when they cannot take a step, do the stupidest things, slow down and poison their lives in every possible way?
To parental messages.
That's what you are and what you are. What you can afford and what you can't. Whether you have intelligence, beauty, talent or not.
We look at ourselves through the eyes of our parents for a very long time. And this to them, having already become adults, we prove that we can, will achieve and will become. Some of us survive thanks to, and some in spite of.
We are not omnipotent, but for children we are gods. And it is on our messages that our children will rely throughout their lives.
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