2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
We are afraid not only of our own emotions, but also of the emotions of other people. We do not know what to do with them, how to deal with them. Nobody taught us emotional literacy, only mental and intellectual literacy.
Teaching us subjects about logarithms-integrals, suffix-prefixes, chemical formulas and physical laws, we were not taught to cope with anger or aggression; they did not say what to do when there was no mood or when you were offended; what to do happen to fall in love … As if it is something insignificant that we should not show or notice.
Often, even in childhood, parents consciously or unconsciously advocate the prohibition of emotions. When a child cries, they try to calm him down as quickly as possible, transfer all his emotional experiences into a rational sphere, often devaluing them - “Everything will be fine!”, “Don't cry over little things!”, “How can you cry because of this ?! "," Calm down, finally! "," You're too old to cry! "," Boys don't cry! " It's as if adults know and value what the child is emotionally worried about or why.
Nothing changes in adulthood. If a person is experiencing sadness, sadness, we strive to influence him in order to stop this manifestation. In contrast, we can tell bitter stories from our lives, wanting to "switch" a person to a different topic, to calm down, measuring "who has more grief." If a person gets angry, shouts, defends his position quite directively - you can often hear a call to morality: "Aren't you ashamed?" etc.
The society and culture in which we live and grow up, through proverbs and sayings tell us: "Laughter for no reason is a sign of foolishness!", “Don't be angry, otherwise your liver will burst!”, “Politeness opens all doors!”, “Modest is honored everywhere!” …
Morality and religion also, in their own way, affect the prohibition of emotions. We have no right to be angry with others, wish a person evil, envy other people's successes, object to parents, show disobedience, succumb to temptation, etc., since these feelings are fraught with punishment. How exactly? - it is not known, but it is definitely scary.
We forget that emotions are inherent in us by nature. We need them in order to survive.
This is one of the very important adaptive mechanisms assigned to us by evolution. Our behavior is controlled by the subconscious. It makes decisions and prompts them to our consciousness. And very often, especially when the situation requires an immediate reaction, then bypassing consciousness.
It is about the normal reaction of the body to a certain factor or situation. And we cannot deny them or ignore them. Emotions are inherent in nature so that we are better oriented in the external environment. If we are happy and satisfied, this is a signal that everything is good, comfortable and we strive to receive resources from this situation that brings us comfort. If we are afraid, this is a signal that there is danger next to us, and we should be more circumspect, alert.
Anger is a signal that our body is not comfortable in the given conditions or with this person, there is an attempt or destruction of our internal boundaries. When we are humiliated or offended - anger, anger, discontent are natural, protective emotions. If another person has hurt us very much, it is normal to experience aggression or even hatred (depending on the force that was directed against us).
One of my clients, who was beaten by her husband, talking about him, said: “I am very suffering for the reason that I wish him ill and I am very ashamed that I have bad thoughts about him. In the evening I cannot pray for my husband, and because of this it is even harder for me … After all, you cannot wish others harm …”This story has other, deeper prerequisites, but all the same I want to emphasize only the aspect of the prohibition of anger and aggression. And there are many such examples.
Our nature is such that we do not have the ability to control the emergence of emotions. We control their external manifestation, reflected by our words, behavior. But the mechanism of their formation is not.
Emotions don't go anywhere. They either manifest externally or remain internally. If dissatisfaction with a person or a situation is not expressed externally and is not spoken out, it remains within us, accumulates, increases and provokes self-destruction.
I have repeatedly met people who are afraid to show their dissatisfaction with other people, while experiencing the fear of conflict and destruction of relationships. … We, as it were, live in polarities: either I am silent, endure and submit to circumstances, or I shout, swear, offend others and destroy relationships, thereby generating a sense of guilt because of my behavior …
Not all situations are extreme. Moreover, the main part of conflicts is resolved only due to the fact that people in a timely manner sought to find mutual understanding. Here and now, according to the specific circumstances or situation, and not in 5 or 10 years. If you accumulate anger in small portions, sooner or later your patience will run out. And then, in the process of pouring over the edge, everything and everyone will be remembered: resentment, misunderstanding, anger, envy regarding those situations that another person may not remember - but after all, it hurts and we can no longer endure … In such cases, there is simply an inadequate reaction to a certain situation. Then the relationship really deteriorates.
It turns out a kind of vicious circle: first endure, and then, when you can't stand it, destroy. We weren't taught to talk about our emotions. There is an illusion that the expression of negative emotions entails punishment.
Demonstration of negative emotions is adequate when a person understands for himself what exactly is happening and why he is experiencing this or that. And for this, emotions should not be ignored or displaced, but accepted.
"Why?" - an important question for introspection. Why is another person making me angry? Why am I offended when I am not heard? Why do I feel fear in the presence of a particular person? Why do arrogant people annoy me?
Such negative emotions are unpleasant experiences for a person, but, at the same time, they are our integral part. Loss of emotions, their ignoring, repression, suppression, in the complex are equated with the loss of your real I. Fake emotional response creates a beautiful picture for society, morality, religion, culture, etc., but at the same time destroys us from the inside.
I agree that we must control the external manifestation of emotions. However, we should not forbid them to ourselves, as well as feel guilty, because of the occurrence of the corresponding emotional reactions. It's okay to be angry, dissatisfied, sad, envious, annoyed. At the same time, it is important that emotions are found to remain attached to specific situations or to the persons causing them, and not to be replaced by reactions to other people.
Emotions saturate and color our lives. Remembering the events of the past, it is the emotional moments that are first remembered. Without emotions, our life loses its meaning: we turn into robots programmed to perform certain functions. All emotions are needed, all emotions are important! They cannot be prohibited, but, on the contrary, it is necessary to accept, examine in oneself and control their external expression.
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