EMOTION CONTROL

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"How to manage emotions?" is a popular question. Most often, it means "how to get rid of" bad "emotions and learn to evoke good ones?"

Emotion, on the one hand, is an unconscious assessment of what is happening to me, to other people and in the world as a whole. This is the evaluative function of emotion. But there is one more: motivational. Emotions are a necessary component of any action; this is the energy aimed at changing the situation. That is, with the help of emotions, we assess the situation and take action to change it, if required.

Key words - unconscious assessment. If by “control” of emotions we mean the ability to “turn on / off” them, then this is impossible: we do not control the unconscious. Therefore, if the emotion has already arisen, then "managing" it is reduced to a reaction to its detection. There can be four of these reactions, with varying degrees of efficiency and destructiveness.

but) Ignore or suppress. We can pretend that nothing is really there, that we feel something different, or that we do not feel anything at all. This is especially true of any not very popular emotions like resentment. "And I'm not offended at all!" It is possible to try to suppress emotions through constant distraction, through an attempt to "chatter" the feeling, to distract from it ("everyone, let's go").

b) Retain in yourself. In this case, we are aware of the emotion, but do not let it out in any way or in very small doses. Sometimes this is a strategy of behavior that is adequate to the situation. On the boss, for example, it is not very recommended to vent anger if you are not ready for a possible dismissal. A variation of this reaction is restraint (in gestalt therapy - egotism), when, instead of violent joy, a person allows himself to smile slightly, instead of tears - squeezed eyebrows, instead of admiration - "not bad." Long-term retention of emotions is "toxic" for the body

in) To express. The problem with expression is that relatively few people can express positive and negative feelings openly without transforming them into something else. As an option - in an attack on another. For example, after a reprimand from the authorities, the husband, full of withheld anger, returns home. At home, my wife, tired at work, did something “wrong”. And instead of "honey, my boss is an idiot and an idiot!" sounds "what the hell is this ?!" … And a loving grandmother can openly choke her grandchildren with her love, feeding them to heartburn and obesity. So you need to be able to express both positive feelings and emotions. Expressing emotions is difficult, because this action makes a person vulnerable, and if literally, then sensitive and emotional.

G) Listen to what the emotion tells us. Let me remind you that emotion is also an assessment of what is happening on a non-verbal level. This method requires not only understanding and awareness of what you feel, but also some detachment from what is happening at the moment. More often than not, it’s after the fact that it’s possible to comprehend the message conveyed by emotion. But if you understand the message, then later you can completely avoid experiencing some emotional reactions - simply because a kind of "evaluative filter" has been removed.

Let me give you a few "popular" feelings as an example.

Resentment … “Someone is not behaving the way they should behave towards me.” Resentment transformed into energy is an attempt to force the other person to return to the kind of behavior that we feel is right for ourselves. A person who allows himself to express anger can make plans for revenge for a "crime", and someone who forbids himself or cannot express anger turns the resentment into self-pity. Resentment to the whole world says: "The world should behave in relation to me in a different way!" Accordingly, in order to be less offended, it would be desirable to reflect onwhy should a husband / wife / children / friends / spouses behave in this or that situation exactly this way and not otherwise? And should they at all.

Guilt … “I’m breaking my own rules and I have to punish myself.” What to look for: what are these rules that you break, did you accept them yourself, or is it something that was accepted by us without any critical reflection? Guilt and resentment often go hand in hand, especially when we witness a psychological fusion. The offended person tries to awaken in another a sense of guilt (that is, to convince him that he really should have behaved the way they want him to).

Sadness … “Something very important has come to an end in my life. Maybe one day… . If you are constantly sad - what then ended in life, and did it really come to an end?

Grief: “Something important is lost forever. We must learn to live without …”. Grieving is accepting loss forever. An existential emotion that can only be experienced and accepted. "Getting stuck" in grief indicates that it is impossible to reconcile "forever" and "learn to live without …".

Anger: “He violates my personal boundaries! The enemy must be defeated! " If personal boundaries are inflated beyond measure, then we get angry at everyone and everything. If personal boundaries are "squeezed" into a person, extremely small - you can do whatever you want with a person, he will not defend himself. An observant reader will notice that anger has much in common with resentment. So it is: resentment is “coiled-up”, smoothed out anger.

Respect: "He showed such qualities or did what I consider desirable and significant for myself."

Anxiety: "Something needs to be done, but what is not clear." There is a lot of energy in anxiety, but there is no object to which the energy needs to be directed. Often the absence of an object is a consequence of the fact that we do not want to notice it, because we are afraid. That is, anxiety is associated with fear, but indirectly.

So, four ways to cope with emerging emotions: suppress, restrain, express, understand.

Emotions are always appropriate in the sense that they tell us something about other people or the outside world, or about our own characteristics, limitations and resources in the psyche. Avoiding emotions will be inappropriate. Only the first, suppression, is uniquely destructive, but in some situations it also contributes to the survival of the organism in a hostile environment (even at the cost of a strong deformation of the psyche). Yes, there are situations in which it would be more appropriate not to express emotions, but to restrain for some time … Everything has its time and place. How to determine the time and place? For this, a person has consciousness and reason.