Victim People

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The position of the victim is the position of a person who suffers from the manifestations of other people, the state, and external circumstances.

Such people are incredibly patient, usually without external manifestations of aggression and often there is an impulse to start saving them, give them instructions on how to act, or just take and start doing something for them.

These people are usually pity, they look like suffering, but often this suffering is accompanied by humility. Usually, the victim's situation looks like a good righteous person has been a victim of treacherous people or circumstances.

The peculiarity of these people is that in appearance they are largely helpless, they cannot defend themselves.

But what is really behind such a story?

In fact, there are three very important manifestations in people who appear to be victims:

1. They do not take responsibility for their lives, constantly finding a source of destruction in the external environment. Well, there, the tyrant husband, the government / opposition are monsters, the times are not the same, the boss is a fool.

2. There is actually a lot of aggression in them, very much, but as a rule it is not realized and, most importantly, it manifests itself passively in most cases. Passively means not directly defending oneself, not directly expressing one's "want" or "don't want", but manipulation (provoking others to the feelings or actions needed by the manipulator. That is, a person does not directly report what he wants, but what - it makes others do what the manipulator wants to do without direct request). The favorite manifestation of aggression from the position of the victim is accusation. It doesn't matter whether it is directly expressed or not, but the fact is that if a person glorifies the feeling of guilt, he often gives up his territory, doing what the victim needs.

3. These are people who often remain in the so-called white cloak. That is, people who try to do everything "right". It gives you a sense of your own goodness and a sense of the completed part of the deal once concluded with someone (usually with parental figures in childhood). This deal looks like "I did / and everything is right, so I have the right to expect the relationship I need in return."

The story of sacrifice is so popular that you can find a thousand examples on the spot. It is enough to look around or look in the mirror (by the way, I noticed a victim in my mirror millions of times).

In order not to drown in examples, I will give a couple of highly simplified, convex examples of how this can manifest itself.

Mom is talking to her son.

A son:

- I decided to enter a culinary college, I don't like the idea of entering a legal entity. fac.

Mom, clutching at the heart:

- How? Is it like this? This means that your father and I invested so much effort in you, gave so much money for tutors, denied ourselves in many ways for the sake of not repeating our mistakes, and this is all for you to become some kind of vocational school? !! … Oh, that's it, I can't, my heart is bad.

A woman complains to her friend:

- My husband is a real test! This is my karmic duty! All people are like people - you have a good husband, Lucy has a good Vanya, and only I got a present! He comes home late and drunk with lipstick on his shirt! For the second month he has not given money, he spends everything on his entertainment. And I … And I try all day for him! I clean the apartment and cook all the time. And he even forgot about my birthday, bastard!

In the first case, my mother broadcasts a message: for my part, I did so much to be a good mother, that now I expect you to be a good son for me. A good son means you will do the way I need to. And if you do not do the way I need to, then I will make you guilty for my feelings and health.

In this situation there is only an object relation to the son. That is, the son is not perceived as a separate person with his own choices, decisions and feelings. Mom does not broadcast respect and comments in this situation. She tries to put pressure on her son (in fact, a very powerful manifestation of aggression), so that the son would obey her will. And she tries to do it through the position of the victim.

In the second case, a woman complains to her friend about her husband. She describes him as a terrible person and herself as a good, helpful hostess. And in this formulation sounds a deal, which, apparently, the woman has concluded. And it is very likely that she concluded it unilaterally: I will correspond to the ideas of a good wife (moreover, these ideas can be grandmother's or mother's or taken from a magazine), and in return you must be a good husband to me. At the same time, the husband may be completely unaware of the fact that he is, as it were, in a deal. He may be in his fantasies about some kind of deal of his own with his wife. And in his picture of the world, marriage can include blackjack and whores, as they say.

In this situation, the woman's friend, according to the scenario, should show aggression against her husband (for example, "What a goat, ah! Look at him!") And perhaps even demonstrate this aggression to her friend's husband in every possible way. And then everything is in place in the Karpman triangle. The victim is the wife, the rescuer is the girlfriend, the husband becomes the persecutor.

* * *

Many of us are used to seeing beggars and beggars. Some have already developed immunity, backed up by knowledge of what kind of mafia can be behind the beggars. And some get money out of their pockets. If no one gave, there would be no beggars.

Victim people know how to touch the delicate strings of the soul, evoking very strong feelings through the empathy of other people - compassion, sympathy. People, at times, recognize their states of vulnerability, and by supporting others in difficult situations, they actually support themselves. Putting themselves in the shoes of a vulnerable person.

And I consider the capacity for empathy and compassion to be very important abilities. They are about humanity, which is not so much in the world. Now imagine that, consciously or not, this empathy and compassion is being used in order to get some benefit.

To hell with them, fake beggars, it's easy to forget about them. But will the son forget such a functional attitude towards himself, using his compassion? Okay, if he just doesn’t forget, but that’s how you can cut out all the sensitivity altogether. Well, in the sense that in order to survive in such an aggressive environment, a mechanism can work - turning off all empathy and compassion to hell.

Or, here's a friend who got involved in a situation with an unfaithful husband. For example, she joined the situation through empathy and compassion. So, she said that everything would be fine, so she took all the initiative into her own hands and invited her friend to move to her place away from her cheating husband. Here she is crowded into her small apartment, persuades her husband that this is temporary, it takes a lot of energy for her. And then one day, her friend-victim flies on the wings of love for her cheating husband and says to him, "Vasily, do not I'm guilty, I didn't want to leave you beautiful. It was all my friend confused me and turned me against you!"

How does a lifeguard friend feel? That she was being used. Or he feels guilty. As a result, everything turns out the way the victim should have. Not at all like a defenseless zainka if you look at the facts, does it?

These two examples are completely fictional. But even when describing these examples, I notice my manifestation of sacrifice behind me - I notice that in my lines there is an accusation of victims. Which, in essence, is exactly the same as what I am writing about. Well, that is, in the process of writing this article, while I was inventing and describing these examples, the victims became my persecutors, as it were. And I address the reader with these texts as a rescuer.

Probably, I have not yet reached Zen, when it is possible to describe examples of the Karpman triangle and not turn into it. But I will still try to get out of this story in order to focus on my main thought: the position of the victim carries a lot of aggressiveness. And, in fact, being in such a position is easy to become a rapist. That is, violate the boundaries of other people against their will. To steal something from them - time, resources, effort.

The position of the victim, I'm sure, is familiar to all of us. I know about myself that this is how I spent most of my life. And whom I only did not rape in this way, who did not save me!

I could cry, for example, suffering naturally from the failure to fulfill my whim, and my men could not stand it and did the same as I needed. The beauty!

Or I still can't cope with one of my peculiarities. If I'm not alone, I lose the ability to navigate the terrain, and maps for me have the same functionality as glasses for a monkey. But when I'm alone, I suddenly find ways to navigate. Because when I'm alone, I know that no one can save me. And if there is someone nearby, and even well-versed in the terrain? Yes, I see a map for the first time in my life and I can't think of where to look into it at such moments. And most importantly why? Ah, I'm all so helpless and it's so easy to be a hero with me (get the deal?)

Well, in short, all these games by Karpman, Bern and that’s all are still part of our life. But when it’s safe and mutually beneficial, it’s the norm. But when this is the only way to be in a relationship, then an ambush begins.

* At this point I take off the cocked hat with the words "victim of victims" and put on the "rescuer of victims" *

Yes, victims passively (not directly), but very poisonously can show their aggression. And in fact, the victim position is a very, just a very powerful position.

And, as you know, you have to pay for everything. And human victims pay for their way of being constant anxiety, which can be expressed in total control. And all why? And all because if you do not take responsibility for yourself (for example, independently take care of your life, safety, money, directly pronounce all transactions, clarify what remains in doubt, etc.), then you have to take responsibility for almost everything around peace.

To simplify this thought, it sounds like "if I feel that others should be responsible for my feelings, health and conditions, then I myself feel responsible for the feelings, health and conditions of others."

Well, if by examples, then mom, if the son is a good student and enters a legal entity. fak., experiences it as "this is all because I am a good mother, I have invested so much in it, my son is my achievement!" (now it is clear why so much indirect anger towards her son if he chooses his own path? This is experienced by the mother as her personal loss as a parent, as a defeat).

If the husband of our second fictional heroine comes home on time and without lipstick on his shirt, then the heroine experiences it in such a way that it is a consequence of her actions and deeds. “It's all because I'm a good wife,” she might think.

Deals can be made with anyone and about anything. You can make deals with ideas about karma and astrological predictions. There is an idea of permeability in all of this: there is something more in this world than me. And this is something that affects me. This is an absolutely sensible and realistic idea for my taste.

But here's how it can be turned out if there is no clear recognition of my real responsibility and power over my life: And if I do as something more believes is right, then in return I will get what I need.

Do you recognize the deal?

The only ambush is that the parent figure projected onto the world (God, astrology, etc.) could really support this game with deals (in fact, teach this game), but the world is essentially indifferent to deals. He is truly larger than each of us and lives by his own laws, no matter what kind of deals we conclude in our imaginations.

Therefore, it often turns out that with such models, victims do not live their own lives, and spend all their efforts on the hunt for a return on their investments (invested efforts, in the hope of getting what they want in return). Sometimes they pour in more and more, in order to certainly get back. But it turns out to be a sucking quagmire further and further.

How to get out of this power-sucking triangle circle?

Well, as usual in this magazine, in words everything is simple:

1. Notice it. Investigate how the transition from victim to stalker occurs. From pursuer to lifeguard, etc.

2. The topic of codependency is always associated with the recognition of one's own boundaries (which without this work are experienced as very broad, including feelings, actions and manifestations of other people, events, etc.). And boundaries are always associated with feelings of anger. Explore this feeling of yours. Under what circumstances do you press your anger on the very, very approach? When and how do you explode? In general, the whole point is to learn to recognize your anger as early as possible. Recognizing and feeling anger does not mean swearing with everyone, sending someone or hitting in the face. Noticing a feeling and acting from an impulse are two different things. Noticing a feeling allows you to listen to yourself for the subject "what am I communicating to myself with this feeling?"

3. The most important point. In the position of the victim, there are always two polar experiences - great personal power and the experience of your influence, which are periodically replaced by the experience of powerlessness, insecurity and dependence, as if you are handcuffed to a person or even circumstances, deprived of choice.

This is due to the habit of focusing on something / on someone else, just not on yourself. In a sense, caring and noticing the other (including their resources) is easier than keeping a realistic inventory of your own resources and focusing on working to augment them (not at someone else's expense, this is important).

In relationships, this can be manifested in the search for reasons and excuses why the partner does this and not that (this is because he has a childhood trauma / this is because he / she / they … …), but behind all this fascinating research there is not enough gunpowder for self-interest, their life, their interests, pleasures and resources (including material ones).

Try to be more interested in your resources and their development. Try new things, fill yourself with new experiences - this can be somewhat disappointing in terms of changes in your resources, but it draws very much to the actual reality. And there is always a solid support in it. This means that over time you can build up your resources so that your happiness and inner harmony would depend for the most part on you. And so that you have a choice - to rely only on your own resources or to trust someone. Lack of choice usually makes life very difficult. But in order to be able to freely choose, sometimes you have to do a lot of work of the soul.

So it goes. Suddenly, such a post was born.