If The Relationship Is At An Impasse

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Living together is like climbing a mountain: ascents give way to descents, fatigue alternates with joy from conquering new peaks. The path is not easy, as we are moving without a route map. It is impossible to prepare for life together - marriage "prepares" us for itself in the process of cohabitation.

Anything is possible along the way. Some go astray and fly down. Others are marking time at the foot of the mountain, trying to calculate everything in advance and avoid obstacles. But they remain standing still, waiting for security guarantees. Still others boldly begin their ascent and conquer height after height, without complaining about adversity, conditions and obstacles.

And there are those who, having reached the first rest, are looking for comfort and pleasure. The first height is taken and fascinates with the opened view. Much has already been passed, but much is ahead. It is safe here, the panoramic view caresses the eye, you can breathe out and relax.

At this point, the relationship runs the risk of getting stuck. The delightful views are beginning to grow boring, and food supplies are gradually dwindling. Forcing yourself to go further is more and more difficult. At the beginning there is a spirit of adventurism and a willingness to take risks, but now it is not the same fuse. Memories are still fresh about how difficult it is to climb the mountain, how much strength and patience is needed to take responsibility for oneself and insure a partner, how many surprises and disappointments there were along the way. I no longer want to agree to new tests. It remains only to look around and with a aching heart to watch those who rushed forward. The feeling of comfort is replaced by fatigue, which is reflected in the partner's eyes. Mutual resources are becoming less and less, there is no desire to share them with each other. Day after day the same thing, the space for change is narrowing.

When asked about family life, we answer with anguish: "Something like that." Without details. There is nothing to add - the relationship is a continuous routine.

Once we made a decision in favor of reliability and got stuck. We stayed in our comfort zone and lost forever the opportunity to grow as a couple. Life in a relationship is not a repeating cycle of the same events. Every day we perform the same actions in relation to ourselves, our things, but we do not get tired of it. Because we find it important.

From the very moment when we stopped treating our relationships as something important, they turned into a routine. We stopped making efforts to be interesting for a partner, to surprise him. The dish called "family" has become lean and tasteless, like from the menu of a roadside cafe. We began to eat semi-finished products, using quick recipes, forever losing the taste of novelty. We fixed the facts, but lost our sensation. Inevitably, there comes a period when it seems that nothing can save the relationship. When it's just all the same.

"Anyway" is much worse than it hurts. The toxic effects of this condition can drag on for years, slowly driving you insane. We close ourselves in the shell of our own limited beliefs, become emotionally deaf and detached. We increase the distance, gradually turning into strangers.

Why relationships don't stand the test of time?

Because the vision was not shared, the values were different. Someone went up in order to stop at the nearest halt and enjoy stability. And someone was ready to go to the end, conquering peak after peak. Because the vision did not change in a timely manner, and we were marking time where it was necessary to change the route. Because they hoped to get the missing resources in another person, going on a joint journey with emptiness inside. Initially, we did not plan to go hand in hand, pull the common strap to the end, looked around in search of easy ways.

There are several ways out of this situation

First: leave everything as it is, hoping that everything will somehow resolve itself. Feeling guilty for inaction, suffering from lying to ourselves, we are looking for a way to fill up the inner emptiness with something. You can go headlong into work, children, or find a new source of happiness, but the conflict is internal. We need to be interested in what is happening inside us no less than in what is happening in the surrounding space. Order inside is the basis for order outside.

We cannot create healthier relationships with others than relationships with ourselves.

Second way: diverge in different directions.

Everything has a life cycle: relationships are no exception. It is necessary to admit the obvious things in time and not be afraid that there are no more common tasks, and the views are directed in opposite directions. One of the partners will go further, the other will remain in place or will begin to descend. The choice is very difficult, but without it there is no chance of moving out of place. The guideline for making a difficult decision is an honest answer to the question: what did I want and what did I get?

Third: move on together.

A relationship is two people. We are links in the same chain. It is impossible to manage this process alone, even if the “magic pill” of salvation looms on the horizon. Others' advice does not help, as they lead to someone else's happiness. Only together, through dialogue and sincerity, is a joint path possible. When a new common dream, joint tasks and projects appear, we get a chance to fall in love with our partner again. It is an open rebellion against the routine in a relationship. This is not a focus on disagreements, but on what can unite.

To love is a verb, an action. This is an attitude, an orientation that sets the attitude towards a loved one.

When we say “I love,” how many actions do we take in relation to who we are saying this to? How much personal resource do we give to the common piggy bank of the existing WE?

The main criterion for assessing their actions is simple: do they improve the relationship or not? Are we solving the problem or are we ourselves part of the problem?

"What can I love about a partner?" is a resource for raising a family. There is no question of self-deception and the need to close our eyes to the obvious shortcomings of the other. Quite the opposite: we know very well the pros and cons of a partner, but focuses on where we coincide. It is control of the thoughtless stream of thoughts and liberation from those that take over us.

When talking about new horizons, one should remember about the art of small steps. The emotional component is central to a relationship. If the last few years of life together were spent in quarrels and mutual accusations, then the next step cannot be a love idyll and goosebumps from touching. An unrealistic task. Offensive phrases, reproaches do not instantly dissolve in the air. We threw insults in each other's faces for a long time, thereby closing our hearts.

A big breakthrough in rapprochement will be trying to listen to your partner without interrupting, without blaming. An attempt to say words of support, to embrace with a glance, to offer help. This is a small step towards love, from which a great victory over the commonplace, over a blurred gaze, over one's own projections is formed.

When we honestly take responsibility for our actions, take into account our own and others' interests, we can talk about love in the category of actions, not words.

And immediately it becomes obvious that it makes no sense to remake each other. Not yourself to become comfortable and understandable. Nothing else to make us more comfortable. If we put the future of relations in direct dependence on the fact that someone has to change, then we lose the essence of the relationship itself, we lose a person in our own illusions. We live in an imperceptible "once", instead of here and now to establish communication.

You can look for keys of understanding, workarounds and not quarrel from scratch. You can study yourself, study your partner, and learn from each other.

This love comes with a bonus that many people don't know about. As in a restaurant, they bring us a check, where below, in small letters, the percentage for the service is calculated. Many may object, they say, for what percentage, we were not warned about this, love is disinterested. Turn around and leave without paying the bill. Only you will have to pay, even if not in these relationships, so in others. In others, we are greedy - welcome to the penalty loop, again to the foot of the mountain. Then there is no need to complain about why you are constantly “unlucky in love”.

An additional percentage of love will be the ability to forgive, show patience, feel and live someone else's pain, a willingness to face difficulties and melt them into invaluable experience. This is the payment for love, according to the bill. The price is high, but the one who is ready to pay the bill will receive a bonus - a chance to create a long-term relationship based on love.