2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Alena is 34 years old, she is smart, extremely erudite, has a pleasant appearance. Behind him is the graduation from the prestigious faculty of journalism, victories in student republican competitions and other literary achievements.
We had to write this article together. But … therapy is proceeding too slowly, and with Alena's permission, I write myself.
And now - she is here, in a chair opposite, compressed, frightened, not believing in anything else …
It did not work out … nothing of what I dreamed about did not work out … Personal life - all by. The last parting - when just about, it seemed, the same person was found - the last parting became fatal. Depression. Clinic…
Yes, she had a healthy feeling to part with a man who constantly humiliated. But then - then I wanted to prove - and who else? - that she is beautiful. And Alena decided to turn to the services of a plastic surgeon.
Unsuccessful plastic. Breakdown. Depressive state. Long selection of antidepressants. Suicidal thoughts.
Alena is afraid of losing her job - all her thoughts are focused on "her mistake".
"Well, how could I? How could I have done this operation?"
The therapy proceeds according to the principle: "One step forward - two back" …
At least move away from the edge. At least there is no desire to go out the window.
It was only at the sixth or seventh meeting that the word "codependency" appeared.
When Alena heard him for the first time, she was indignant: "Well, is this about alcoholics? And I grew up in a decent family."
Indeed, in a respectable family, where the parents "laid down their lives" in order to learn and "bring out" their children.
What is codependency? This is not only and not necessarily about alcoholism and drug addiction.
Codependency is a pathological condition characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social, or even physical dependence on another person.
Alena lives separately from her parents, but - her mother has the keys to the apartment, she can come at any time without warning.
Mom always knows - and always knew "how to do it right."
"If you obeyed your mother, everything would be fine with you!" - this mom constantly reminds Alena - and Alena already agrees with her. "Yes, perhaps everything would have been different …"
From childhood, Alena, the daughter of a teacher, tried to be what her family wanted to see - a clever excellent student with burning eyes. She did everything. Until - until she began to grow up. And now the first love - and the words of my mother that it is good to lose a little weight … and that the waist is not the same. And what … Here's what I remembered:
- Mom, why did you never tell me little that I was beautiful?
- I couldn't deceive you.
And now the obedient girl almost stops eating. Anorexia. And it is not known how events would have developed then, if not for a breath of freedom - she left for another city to study at the university.
Several years of freedom - and silence.
Until the parents came to the same city for permanent residence. Near. Very close.
Full control.
- What did you eat for breakfast?
- Have you washed the dishes?
- Why is the stool on the balcony?
- Why did you stay ten minutes late at work?
Mom has OCD. Clean. Cleanliness and tidiness.
Thoughts, feelings, ideas - Alena always hid her relationship. It was they who seemed to her as an outlet, the only personal experience - for she had not yet been able to build other boundaries.
And now … an unsuccessful operation. Depression again. And - an absolute, already a double trap -
thoughts of "error" took her mind captive. And parental control is a physical captivity.
On the other hand, her daughter's suffering is hard for elderly parents - as usual, the pressure rises, the heart hurts … And this further reinforces the vicious circle: - I'm to blame - I'm bad - I kill my parents - my parents are killing me.
This is where the nature of codependent family relationships is especially vividly manifested:
Parents want to help their daughter - aggravating her condition with constant coercion and control.
Alena with all her soul longs for freedom and is afraid to be free. The very idea of a possible stay in another place, for example, in a rented apartment, is fantastic for Alena.
"I earn too little to rent an apartment …" she says quietly and sadly … "They pay so little in our law firm …"
Why not think about another job? For Alena, such a simple question is too difficult. It would be one of the steps towards independence, so welcome and so daunting.
She quietly shakes her head and continues: "I am attached to my mother …."
These words contain all the answers.
How is it attached? Which rope? Do you have enough strength and courage to try this connection for strength, Alena?
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