An Adult Boy. Where Does Male Self-doubt Come From?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Men who grew up without a warm emotional relationship with their father are more insecure

According to statistics, every fifth child in Ukraine is born out of wedlock, and the number of single mothers has increased 22 times over the past 15 years. On the other hand, there is a whole generation of Ukrainians brought up in single-parent families, where there is no father or mother, or both due to the practice of labor migration in Europe. How does the absence of a father affect the mental health of the child?

During consultations, I often come across a request from a mother after a divorce: “Talk to your son. How to survive isolation and aggression”. But fathers also say that as a result of work, they have lost their emotional connection with the child. The son of a busy father, as an adult, said: "I often felt that I was superfluous for him." Fathers who have lost emotional contact with their sons, as a rule, cannot restore it until the end of their lives.

The absence of a father in the boy's life is seen as a psychological trauma. It has more destructive consequences, because we are talking about his masculine identification - the boy will not be able to compensate for this in his relationship with his mother. While the girl will be able to get her identity in a relationship with her.

Psychologist and writer John Eldridge says that we live in a world of "unfinished" men, men in part. As a rule, these are boys walking in the "bodies of men", with a man's work, with a family, like in men, with finances and obligations, just like in men. “Incomplete” men are those who have taken the time to achieve and have lost a relationship with a son or daughter.

In a conversation with me, one man said: “When I remember my father, I feel a big, dark, overwhelming wave overwhelming me. My father looked at me not as a person, a child, his son, but as a “thing”. His gaze read: “I made a mistake. This overwhelming wave was tearing me down.”

Men who grew up without a warm emotional relationship with their father are more likely to experience self-doubt. The boy's relationship with his father influences the boy's masculine identification. The lack of a close emotional and tactile connection leaves an imprint on his life and determines the appearance of such feelings:

1. Lack of confidence in your abilities;
2. Low self-esteem;
3. An increased level of anxiety;
4. Aggression directed at another person, or suppressed aggression and turning into self-flagellation;
5. Persistent feelings of guilt and shame;
6. The experience of loneliness and self-isolation;
7. Suicidal behavior as a result of self-isolation;
8. The question “who am I?” Is often asked, which is closely related to the lack of purpose in life.

They say about such men “neither fish nor meat” - one cannot immediately understand what kind of person he is. In contrast to “spinelessness,” those who have had good emotional contact with their father exhibit assertive behavior - confident and persistent goal achievement. Assertiveness is a quality that allows you to establish authentic relationships and open communication. Assertiveness is understood by men without contact with their father in childhood as aggressive and unacceptable behavior. Self-isolation is formed as a result of the fact that the world was deprived of safety for the boy, he is dangerous. You cannot be open with this world, because it hurts. For a boy growing up without a father but a mother, it's like life without one eye, hand or leg. That is, the inability to fully exist.

A void appears and is filled:

1. Addiction (alcohol, gambling addiction, pornography).

2. Excessive time spent at work.

3. The desire to earn more.

4. Self-affirmation through submission of others.

5. Self-destructive behavior (divorce, antisocial behavior, smoking, alcohol, aggression)

Every boy expects to hear from his father a phrase from the movie The Conqueror of the Waves: "It doesn't matter if you go to conquer a giant wave or not, I still love you, no matter what." This is what a boy lives for, and then a grown man. And if he does not hear it from another man, then the man remains “unfinished” (according to Eldriege), an adult boy in an expensive suit.

How can I help myself?

1. Go in for men's sports. Where effort and tension is required.
2. Develop relationships with other men. It is easy for “spineless men” to communicate with girls, but much more difficult with other men.
3. Participate in trainings to develop communication skills. In developmental groups, where the boundaries and value of you as a person are respected. But where do you feel some challenge for development.
4. Try to get out of your shell, start talking to one of the men about feelings. At first it will not work and will look "clumsy", but it is important to do it.
5. Try to find new friends. Think about how many of your friends are men. Friends are those with whom you can talk freely about feelings.
6. Which man influenced you the most? Which man in your life are you grateful to? Is this a real person or a formed image? Try to shape this image of a man for yourself.
7. For what are you grateful to your father? “Wait a minute! - you say. - We did not agree so!” Perhaps you never had and never will have a warm relationship with your father, but think about what he conveyed to you? Smile as a child, warm words, repairing an old car in the garage. Or maybe he just gave you life. What could you thank your father for now? Do it! Helps to establish an invisible emotional connection - and finally find the missing eye, arm or leg.
8. If you feel that you cannot cope with solving problems on your own, seek help from a psychotherapist. It helps in solving emotional problems.

British journalist, satirist and intelligence officer Malcolm Muggeridge admits that his father was a hero to him. As a teenager, Malcolm came to his London office and then noticed a clear change in his father: “When he saw me, his face always lit up, quite suddenly, completely changing his appearance; transforming him from a haggard, shrunken man into an energetic boy. He deftly jumped off the chair, cheerfully waved goodbye to his colleague … - and we set off together. In these walks with him there was an element of something forbidden, which seriously increased the pleasure. These were the most enjoyable episodes of my childhood.”

A boy, a man needs a hero father. Otherwise, without a hero-father, a man condemns himself to defeat. However, we are not created for defeat, but for victory.