2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
My first webinar experience, despite some technical challenges, was quite rewarding. Including thanks to this question:
How do you see the end of therapy
What are the criteria for the end of this process, what does the adulthood for which we aspire look like?
On reflection, I identified several important, in my opinion, criteria.
1. Return of naturalness, spontaneity. Feeling is natural. Feel what is felt. And not what is right or necessary …
To risk presenting oneself as imperfect, withstanding the onslaught of narcissistic demands to comply….
Admit my limitations (I can't do everything), my "dark sides" (I'm afraid, I'm angry, etc.). Get away from the imposed roles, look for your own motivation to live and create.
2. Returning contact with yourself. What are my feelings communicating? What am I missing right now? What I want? How can I take care of myself? The ability to provide yourself with everything you need without falling into pathological addictions.
3. Deal with guilt and transform it into responsibility. The instilled pathological guilt forces one to defend oneself - either aggressively, or, on the contrary, substituting oneself as a victim.
Responsibility as the absence of guilt makes it possible to stay in contact and deal with the phenomena that occur there in real time.
4. The ability to adapt to a variety of life circumstances without any idealization and horror stories of the type: "All people are kind, and let's love everyone" or, on the contrary: "Everything around is shit, you don't expect anything good from the world."
The world is different, and the answer to it is different - depending on what is happening right now.
In some cases, contact with some people is possible, with others it is in no way possible, or very limited. And, being in a relationship, taking care of maintaining a give-and-take balance, we mark the boundaries that ensure our safety.
Whatever it is.
… Does your mother have a habit of interfering in your affairs in one way or another? Persuasion, avoidance, manipulation will not help. Strong boundaries will help, including "do's and don'ts." You can't enter without knocking. You can ask. It is impossible to interfere with the conversation. You can express your desires directly.
What I consider possible for myself, I will do. Anything that is not in line with my personal values is not.
5. Learn to call things by their proper names. Violence is violence, not "caring", "everyone lives like this," "the rapist had a bad life in childhood."
You can sympathize with childhood, but you cannot allow violence against yourself. Don't mix pity for the rapist and allow yourself to be raped.
Acknowledge your feelings without rationalizing them, or ennobling them for beauty, as well as desires and needs, and declare them openly.
6. Learn to appreciate
To do this, you will have to reconsider your childish expectations.
They (expectations) sound, as a rule, like this: "I was not given then, and therefore must now."
….. They will have to be burned out. There is no other option.
Not given, it's a fact. Few people were loved - as a person. More - encouraged as a feature. In the zone of love, many have a large-scale deficit.
And yet … To wait for parental love from the world is to prolong suffering.
To live the loss, to let go is to learn to appreciate what is given now.
When super-expectations go away, gratitude for little appears. And life with gratitude is beautiful, resourceful, nutritious.
In the pre-therapy period, I was taught how to be grateful, and it annoyed me.
Because “necessary” is a requirement, in my case it is an attempt to grab a resource by manipulating debt….
Gratitude blossoms in conditions when the giver does not try to be "good" as a result of giving, sharing the resource of his own free will, and the taker does not expect something super-natural, and accepts with respect.
7. The ability to accept the Other as he is now, not counting on changes
That is, to get in touch with what is right now, at the level that he is capable of.
The child is dependent and needs by definition. Therefore, when deciding to give birth to a child, it should be borne in mind that in the first years of his life he needs to give a lot.
The adult already has a responsibility to take care of himself. If the Other is an adult, and does not know how to take care of himself, but relies on you, he will not change if he himself does not want to.
In this case, the ability to accept the Other means … to recognize the fact that he can change and grow up only if he himself makes such a choice.
To feed another with your energy, being afraid to be alone, means to preserve him and your infantilism.
Individual (separated from the parental figure) people give voluntarily, of their own choice and without prejudice to themselves.
This is why there is so much value and gratitude in this relationship.
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