TENDERNESS

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today, the topic of tenderness has suddenly surfaced - it very rarely, in my personal experience, arises when men talk about women. And in general, this word somehow rarely sounds in the psychological space … And this despite the fact that this is one of the most complete and vivid experiences that people can experience for each other (not only men and women, but also friends, parents and children…).

Tenderness is the threshold of love, and, at the same time, its very important component. Trying to define in words what tenderness is, I ran into a difficulty - the definition stubbornly escaped, did not want to clothe itself in words and formulations, all the time turning into experiences and feelings … With a wave of my hand at words, I remember and plunge into this state …

Tenderness is the desire to hug, the ability to feel the breath and heartbeat of the one with which you are standing. Look directly into the eyes, and not at all burdened by this long contact of gazes. It is a warm, velvety feeling of quiet joy that floods the chest, slightly squeezing your breath and forcing you to breathe deeper. This is openness - in tenderness, a person shines from within, there is no usual defensive-alert tension in the body. Hence - sensitivity to the slightest movement of the body, light stroking, trembling.

Tenderness is a feeling of the fragility of another, the desire to treat him as carefully as possible. To hold something gently means to be careful. Gentle words are words about the value of the other for me. It seems that there is clarity in the mind, caught … Tenderness, first of all, is the experience of the fragility and vulnerability of the other, and a respectful attitude towards him. Therefore, tenderness is not an experience of high energy, it is harmonious and quiet, slowing down all other passions.

Experiencing tenderness requires gentleness, but is not synonymous with weakness, and this is a stumbling block for many men. Tenderness is rejected by them, because it is impossible without vulnerability and rejection of the role-playing game, in which a man is a stone wall, a confident pillar who does not care about these "calf tenderness".

The tenderness in which you try to preserve yourself as "solid" turns into a protective attitude - something that men, as a rule, transform tenderness towards women into.

But in tenderness it is impossible to be a firm support, support through tenderness is a soft pillow under the head, not a hard flooring. The place of denied and repressed tenderness for a woman is filled with sexual arousal, lust as the only strong experience directed at a woman.

However, if in tenderness the other person is experienced as a significant subject, then in excitement, objectification occurs, the transformation of the other into a significant object, a thing. A flashing passion for an unfamiliar woman objectifies her, she wants to take possession, and she, in essence, in the mind of the “thirsty” differs little from the thing.

For many men, tenderness and lust are bifurcated, and for one woman you feel tenderness, and for another - a strong and aggressive attraction, which does not care about the feelings and experiences of the object of this attraction. A mature, formed erotic feeling combines tenderness and passion into a single stream, from which it blows away. The bifurcation of this stream in one of its extreme manifestations leads to the "complex of the madonna-harlot", when some women are "for love", and others - "for sex." The combination of excitement and tenderness leads to the fact that activity passes from excitement to tenderness, and caring for a partner, which forms love, from tenderness to arousal.

Tenderness for a woman, if you allow her to develop and express freely, begins to be accompanied by an erotic feeling, which, if not inhibited again, can flow into excitement (associated with the experience of intimacy and intimacy), and this excitement is based on a more solid foundation than lust for a woman for whom you do not feel tenderness.

"I like to communicate with her, but I have almost no sexual desire …" - "And what desire is there then?" - “I would like to hug her carefully” … - “Do you feel that when you want to hug her?” - "Some feeling is very warm … She is so vulnerable, warm … And it's strange - when I think about it, I have a desire …" …

If tenderness is something unworthy of a real man, then shame arises as a reaction to this feeling. Affection is based on attachment, and if attachment is fearful and associated with a loss of freedom, then the response to feelings of tenderness may be vague anxiety rooted in fear. In both cases, you can “protect” yourself from tenderness by devaluing either this feeling or your partner … Emotional contact with a woman becomes depleted, and I once heard a sad confession from one man: “I don’t know what to do with a woman, except for sex” … As if you can't talk to a woman about topics that concern you, you can't be relaxed with her, you can't ask for support in difficult times, help her yourself (and feel strong and needed at the same time) … A woman is an object, which, moreover, is can interfere with his feelings - you need to react to them somehow … (however, about affection is a separate big topic).

Tenderness allows you to go beyond your own boundaries, being one of the experiences aimed at overcoming the original, existential loneliness of people. This is its enormous strength, and, as a downside, weakness.

When there is too much tenderness, the other person again turns into an object, onto which so many warm feelings are poured out that you already want to distance yourself, defend yourself, and irritation arises, turning into anger that they no longer see him. This is already a prelude to complete fusion, the transformation of tenderness into something else, when the state of the other person is not important, and only one's own desire to express and express accumulated feelings is important, ignoring the response. One person in childhood was simply raped with this “other tenderness”, demanding that he kiss his aunt, who grabbed her nephew in her arms and did not let him out for a long time, ignoring his desire to distance himself … Tenderness without merging is a mutual experience in which I feel my partner, and respond to his movements, even if this movement is detachment. Where merging occurs, tenderness is transformed into other experiences. For example, in affection, for which the reaction of the one to whom this affection is directed is generally unimportant: from the squeezing of a baby who is already sick of it, to a frightened animal, which is passed from hand to hand with "cute" experiences. "Since I like it and I feel such good feelings, then you, the object of my feelings, should be happy and feel something similar." It can also be "similar to parental care and affection, which is also great at a certain age, but in adult relationships, it rather causes disgust and aggression" (R. Gomolitsky)

A separate story is the tenderness of men for each other. It is not sexually colored, but it is much more inhibited than tenderness for a woman. All these rude hugs, pushes on the shoulder, handshakes with a preliminary wave of the hand, constant "tricks" of each other - they can all mask the very tenderness that cannot be expressed directly … And it is difficult not only because it is associated with femininity or homosexuality, but and because there is very little experience of affection on the part of their fathers. Mothers can love and caress their beloved boys, and fathers often restrain their feelings in relation to their sons so as not to "grow up soft". Why are these "calf tenderness" … And it turns out to express their feelings only through clumsy hugs or remarks-praise - if at all possible. It's easier with daughters.

And the need to be gentle and tender - it remains."Unspent tenderness" is nothing more than a need for love. It means that I am a value for another, and that they treat me as a value, which means - carefully, tenderly, tenderly. And it is such a pleasure to have people in my life whose existence is experienced as important and valuable to me, it is such a pleasure to tenderly take care of what is valuable to me, and to see how another person responds to my care … In the end, we are not at all so invulnerable and "shockproof" as it seems from the outside.