Don't Be Angry So As Not To Be Rejected

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The vicious circle, stuck in which, clients periodically turn to me, sounds like this: “My relatives do not consider me, my desires, boundaries. I feel bad. But I endure all this, because I am afraid of losing them. Of course, these loved ones thereby receive confirmation that they can continue in the same spirit, and - the circle is closed

Very quickly in therapy, it may become clear that in order to remove those who have sat on the neck, from it - the neck - it is not enough just to politely ask them about it. They are used to it, they feel so good and no one notices or even believes that it is your neck and it is hard for you. And then a person is faced with the need to show aggression.

Ideas from the category "God endured and told us", or "Forgive, be above this" help for the time being. When serious attacks are organized on the boundaries of the personality, especially by the closest ones, the body's natural reaction is anger.

But since in our society healthy aggression is often considered something indecent, many choose to suppress, displace, deny it and gradually turn into a standard of holiness, tolerance, beauty and … - omnivorousness. Accordingly, the whole hell is fiery, suppressed into the depths of the unconscious, and breaks out either through diseases (autoaggression), or through a wide range of passive-aggressive manifestations. And often - this and that.

Failure to reject entails an inability to withstand rejection. And vice versa. These are very interrelated processes. And then you have to live with what they give. Giving even if you don’t want to. To pull up a forced smile and say "thank you" where it would be honest to send. From lack of freedom I want to howl, but the situation inside is experienced and the truth is hopeless.

The illusion of comfortable people, that without their deflections and adjustments, the world and, in fact, relations will fall apart and only they will be to blame for everything. This is the illusion of their omnipotence, which grows in childhood from the fact that adults rely too much on this child, beyond their years. The child thinks that he is very necessary and important, because even adults cannot solve their big problems without him. And in fact - they allow him to feel their value only through functionality. At the same time, they ignore his age, size, his responsibility to the child and his feelings. And of course, this illusion saves you from meeting another truth. Behind this is the fear that if I am not comfortable, they will abandon me. As for me, they never appreciated me anymore - only for the convenience and "goodness". If I become unpleasant, they will cease to appreciate, love and respect, they will refuse.

Here my task, as a therapist, is to help the client find his support, value in his own eyes. After all, if your parent's eyes did not see well and reflected to you that you can only love you if you are someone suitable, and you have successfully read it in their eyes, now you can take this information critically. For example, find something for which you yourself can and want to love and respect yourself. And how much you now need to correspond to something in order to be worthy.

In many ways, all such conflicts are associated with a person's inability to form internal ethics - a more subtle and exclusive mechanism of internal values in comparison with pop morality, which is one for all and does not take into account anything personal and individual at all. But God endured - and ordered us …

Aggression - this is not only a way to distribute unwanted, toxic, dangerous, irritating to a safe distance for the body. This is, in fact, a universal way of adjusting the distance. That is, we are approaching in the same way - through aggression. Since an active interest in a neighbor and a reduction in distance with him is also a manifestation of our aggressiveness. Sex, for example, as a kind of intimacy, is very aggressively charged. The point is that "aggression" can be expressed as anger, interest, tenderness, disgust, etc. This is, in fact, excitement, set in motion. As Grandpa Perls used to say: "Without aggression it is impossible to bite off an apple."

It also happens the other way around - I will react to everything with anger and hatred, so as not to risk letting someone get too close to me. I will counterdependently shoot everyone with a cannon, reject them before they want to reject me. Because they will definitely want to. And then I may not be able to cope alone with a new amount of pain. But that's another story.