2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
"Why is everything like this in my life?" - I hear this question all the time. Uttered or sobbing inside, it always appears in sessions.
Many of us have a feeling of our complete helplessness in front of life.
Life can throw out the trick, and all our plans will collapse in an instant. This unknown and illogical force is frightening. Hands down. Belief in one's own ability to change anything is dying out before our eyes. It seems that the forces are not equal.
crises and wars, fruitless and endless struggle with illness or addiction, the inability to even influence one's own weight, health and relationships - depressing
The human body is, by and large, an autonomous system. We are not required to control the work of the liver and kidneys, we may not know where our internal organs are located. We know where our car is, but where our spleen is located, we may not know. The entire system of functioning works independently of our awareness of it. All instincts required for survival are on by default.
Nature made sure that we were able to survive and procreate, completely without delving into what is happening.
Our mental activity is organized according to the same principle. The spectrum of what we are aware of, in comparison with what is in the zone of our unconscious, is negligible.
over hundreds and thousands of generations, nature has developed a win-win system that allows us to live our lives without taking on the function of management and control
Most of the algorithms of behavior, ways of interacting with the world, attitude towards oneself, permission for happiness, choice of illness, the ability to build relationships and be in them, and even life expectancy and cause of death are transmitted from mother to daughter and from father to son.
Such heritability allows the genus to survive and maintain its unique way of interacting with the world, and the person - to slide along the rails that were once laid by ancestors.
The system of succession is very well built - what is not transmitted genetically will be transmitted by words, behavior, tacit and unconscious rules of being.
The little man will absorb with his mother's milk, read it from the look of his father, see in the expression on his grandmother's face - all these approvals and disapproval, how to live, whom and how to love, how to get sick, what to dream about, what can and cannot be absorbed and built into unconsciously. Simply because it is the basic survival mechanism of any population.
everything is fine in this system, except for one thing - there is absolutely no choice in it
The autonomy of our body, its attunement to our unconscious impulses and the huge volume of what we are not aware of in ourselves - makes us completely helpless when we decide to change anything in our life.
It is not clear why the body gets sick or gets fat, does not obey prohibitions, does not allow us to keep promises. The world around us reacts in an incomprehensible way - it does not give us what we need so badly - money, love, relationships, health, stability, security.
Like the raging elements, life carries our boat in the endless waters of the world's oceans. And where is the steering wheel, who knows …
"The more unconscious a person is, the less choice he has." Marion Woodman (renowned Junigian psychoanalyst)
The path to management begins with awareness, with understanding what is happening, with the revitalization of the feeling of the impulses of your own body. After all, we can begin to understand our body and enter into a dialogue with it, with our addiction or disease. We can learn to see the mechanisms of our world order. How it turns out in our life this way and not otherwise. What ways money, success, security, love come to us.
And gradually our life will cease to be an unpredictable element that exists autonomously from us. And our body is an enemy, a traitor and a monster, living according to laws that are incomprehensible to us, and will become us.
The path to awareness is long and not easy. That which was not previously read and understood suddenly becomes apparent. And the level of readiness to accept this is decisive - whether a person will develop further or not. Will he be able to afford to hear himself.
over the years of our life, we have formed our own unique ways of protection from external and internal reality
We can interact with the world through illness. She can be that shield that protects us from responsibility, from dislike, from the emptiness of life; helps to get something very important, which cannot be taken without illness. And then giving up the disease is like being left without life guidelines, without a very important, essential part of oneself.
Our weight, the ability to drown out anxiety, uncertainty, sadness with food, relieve tension is a great way not to meet hunger for love, understanding, acceptance, intimacy, sex. Food can be a wonderful receiving friend and an awe-inspiring lover.
Alcohol is a wonderful way to feel the carelessness of life, detachment from any problems, to be a cheerful, cheerful child, stupid and irresponsible.
We have a lot of ways - how to help ourselves meet reality to a minimum and live in our personal fictional world - in our grievances, fantasies, dreams; in habitual, impenetrable scenarios of behavior; in a constant struggle with himself and the world around him.
in the structure of the personality there is an “ego function” - the task of which is to make a choice and carry out “movement towards” - towards a project, a person, a refrigerator
To make a choice, this function needs to rely on one side - on the needs of a person, his “true want”, on his feelings, sensations and instincts. And on the other hand, - on a person's idea of himself, about what is allowed and what is not, on life experience, habitual behavior. And if something is wrong with any of these two points, then the function of the ego, which is responsible for conscious personal choice, simply does not work.
A person randomly rushes from one object to another or does nothing at all; suffers, worries and complains about life and this unknown force that sent him such trials.
It is often very difficult for a person to understand what he wants and what exactly guides his choice. Fear ? Pain from previous experiences? Habit? Mom's words sounding in your head? Hunger for love, food? Why does he go around in circles, stumbles upon the same rake and organizes life around him this way and not otherwise? What drives his actions. Why his life is like that.
Often people, having no access to the motives for their own actions, believe that there is something that controls their lives, that organizes their life, sends them certain people, diseases and trials. They fight in the hope of changing something or try to negotiate with great power.
the force with which we are all trying to negotiate is our unconscious
This is the abyss where the motives of all our actions are hidden, all our experience, starting from conception, the experience of our kind and many, unconscious secrets.
Not a single person is able to fully cognize his own unconscious, but nevertheless, by increasing the level of self-understanding, the level of our awareness, we make a choice for ourselves possible.
Whether to follow the path of ancestors, whether to use their ways of interacting with the world, or to introduce their own into an already known picture.
We cannot renounce ancestral ties, our experience, which has made us who we have become, but we can expand the range of our capabilities, becoming more flexible, the once rigid framework is shifted “one way and another”.
If several generations of your family have chosen oncology as a way to cope with their life tasks, then perhaps you can look for another way, in the same paradigm, but no longer fatal.
If your entire feminine gender bequeathed to you to sacrifice - as the best way to interact with the world. For example, to become the “wife of a Decembrist” (alcoholic, loser, seriously ill person) and steadfastly carry your cross, constantly giving away part of yourself, your femininity, your health, your beauty or your body, cutting off a piece from yourself. (At the level of the body, the life task - “to sacrifice oneself” is solved with the help of diseases requiring surgery.)
If it was difficult for the women of your family to be women and they had to hide their femininity with the help of excess weight and fat folds, or, on the contrary, the absence of all forms and appearance of a teenage boy, If mom, grandmother and aunt really loved to suffer and lead a heroic-Spartan way of life - to plow for three, give all of themselves to work, children, everyday life, and endless treatment - and you were instilled in a martyr-forbidding outlook on life,
If you have another fifty if, then you can try to return responsibility for your life to yourself and thereby expand your choice.
choice appears when responsibility returns to itself
when there is an understanding - what am I doing with myself, my body and my life, that it turns out not at all what I want
Where, in what place I want something completely different. Why does one part of me want freedom and life with children, while the other puts me in a cage of unloved work. Why does one part of me want love, understanding and well-being, while the other chooses a life with an alcoholic or gigolo. Why do I choose those men whom I choose and find the job that I find.
And where in all this I can really choose without going into fantasy and not making empty promises to myself.
the less self-understanding, the more helplessness and the more total fear of life
With the return of responsibility to oneself and with a gradual awareness of the motives of one's own actions, the choice expands and it becomes possible to create new reactions, new ways of behavior, new scenarios of life.
there is a chance - to get to know yourself. find out who you are
And who knows, maybe he will be able to live his own life, unlike anyone else's.
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