How To Get Better Or Why The Magic Pendel Doesn't Work

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

well, everything is monday

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and Zen Buddhism and Perfection

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(from verses-feathers)

In social networks, I came across one frightening video: a Rottweiler dog attacked a boy of about five years old. The case was taking place somewhere in Azerbaijan, judging by the screams in the frame. That is, several men screamed, pulling the child out of the animal's mouth, and the child simply screamed in pain and horror. The dog growled furiously. Everything ended well (relatively): the boy, practically unharmed, was taken away from the dog and dragged away, although it did not work out right away; the owner also dragged his dog somewhere; the agitated people in the square where this took place also began to disperse

But the most remarkable thing for me, of course, was the audience's comments on the video. They were very familiar and of the same type: in addition to just horror ("What a nightmare!"

I specially wrote out these comments verbatim: “Shoot such people!”, “The owner needs to muzzle this, and then kill both the dog and the owner's bastard!”, “I am for tougher punishment with both hands! Such cattle should be punished, they should be fined for large sums "," Adopt a law against such monsters and their dogs "," A blow to the nose of a dog causes a fracture of the bridge of the nose "," Dog owners should be isolated. " In general - punish, beat, ban, shoot and fine. Hold and do not let go. Painfully familiar style of problem solving: we will forbid everything bad, and then there simply will not be bad in our life, which means that only good will appear in it. Well, how could it be otherwise? Bad things will already be forbidden! So we will defeat everything bad - we will simply despise and prohibit it, and everything will be fine with us. Checkmate, little faith.

And even after any blatant story, which the media like to report with pathos, every time a wave of popular indignation is stirred up: how, in the regional orphanage in the outback, children are mistreated! How is it possible! Prosecutor's check on them! Sanitary and Epidemiological Station! Punish! Fine! To dismiss teachers and nannies (having fined and cursed beforehand), close and seal them. Where will the employees go, they have no work in the outback and 5,000 rubles of salary seem to be decent money? Well … We do not know, but the most important thing is to stop the disgrace. Where will the children (hearing impaired, visually impaired, autistic from dysfunctional families) go? Well … We don't know! Let the state decide! And may it do everything well, and stop all bad things. Immediately!!!

But personally, I thought about how often I see in my psychological practice this style of people treating themselves. Seriously, it's just amazing how common the idea is that "you have to forbid yourself to do bad things, and everything will be fine." Start a new life - in which everything will be good and right, where everything bad will be banned, and, accordingly, only good will remain. Keep and not let go, forbid everything bad, punish severely for all indulgences. Only a healthy lifestyle, only wheat germ with freshly squeezed juice, only ballet and ceramics. And no fries for beer! No TV shows until 2 am !!!

I assume you already see the error? Where does “all good” come from by itself, not from dampness? Most of the "good" in human life must be earned through work and diligence, to achieve this and accustom yourself gradually. Of course, everything can only deteriorate.

There are a couple of big mistakes we make in the struggle "for all good versus all bad." Although, in general, all extremes are wrong (only the most correct behavior, no semitones, severe censure and cruel punishment for indulgences and breakdowns) and uncompromising striving for the ideal.

The first mistake: just deny. One of the most common reasons for the failure of good endeavors in human life is simply to forbid yourself everything that is wrong and bad. Or just decide that now I will only do good. Starting tomorrow - exercise, only healthy healthy foods, go to bed at 10 pm and learn a foreign language. And not even one. And no smoking! From today - not a single cigarette. Usually, on such good intentions, a person does not live up to the end of the week, not to mention the long deadlines. Simply because any habitual activity is built into our life, performs a certain task for us (for example, smoking can calm down and give the opportunity for a legal respite, and harmful but tasty food can pamper, delight or console in an unpleasant moment). And if you simply forbid oneself to “do bad” without offering an alternative that satisfies (this is important!) The need that was previously satisfied by “harmful”, then … Yes, nothing will come of it. And the most beautiful idea will go after the rest of the good intentions. Again, I draw your attention: you need to not just come up with a great new habit to replace the old ones (phew, bad), but to build it into your life. Because our body did not subscribe at all to fulfill all the whims of our own brain, which, having read in glossy magazines the advice of psychologists and supporters of healthy lifestyles (healthy lifestyle), begins to command the body categorically. It may seem to you, as the owner of your body, that replacing the daily chocolate bar with half a liter of kefir is a great idea! And a snack, and healthy, and low-calorie. The organism, on the other hand, may have its own considerations: it is not sweet, it is sour, it is cold in the mouth and it is unusual. Take your kefir, give me my chocolate bar. GIVE CHOCOLATE, I SAID !!!! And you will surrender. Willpower motivation will weaken, and this will happen just near the stall with ice cream and chocolates. What am I saying, this humiliating story is familiar to many.

It's the same with "I'll just start running in the morning from tomorrow." I've never run before - but now I'm running! I decided! I subscribed to a group about fitness on VKontakte! And then the next morning comes, when you so want to take a nap for another minute … The blanket is piled on top, like a ten-ton slab, it is warm and soft, and on the street there is coldness and slush … And the only correct decision comes: tomorrow! I haven't run for years before, one day won't solve anything. Well, it can wait until tomorrow. Or until Monday, until next Monday. But then - surely!

It makes no sense to prohibit anything without offering an alternative. Both the human body and the human society are too complex systems, in which everything is interconnected, so that one element of the system (which we recognized as bad) could be removed without consequences and another (which seems to us good and correct) to be inserted there. It is very possible that we are tearing out the supporting beam on which entire floors are held, and even if our venture is suddenly crowned with success, the whole building will crumble with a crunch. But more often than not, of course, it is not crowned with success, and the person (or system) begins to exercise in cheating. For example, one of my friends, who began to lead a healthy lifestyle, sincerely gave me advice on how to do without sweets: eat sweet yoghurts, curds and curds! After all, they are useful! So the more you eat, the better. In this case, a person is deceiving himself - sugar producers pour generously into berry yoghurts. This means that she eats sweets almost as much as before, but for her it is called "healthy wholesome food."

Conclusion: it will not be possible to simply prohibit an undesirable action without offering an alternative that performs the same functions - the resistance of the system will be too strong. The ban will be meaningless and simply will not be enforced.

The second mistake: to punish severely for misconduct. Punishment, in addition to the obvious flaws (cruelty and pain), has other aspects that are usually not noticed. There is a saying about them: "If a child is punished every time he falls for a lie, he will not learn to always tell the truth - he will learn not to get caught."

Imagine, for example, a society in which there are severe penalties for not knowing how to use cutlery. Got caught with a table knife in his left hand - execution. Can't hold a lobster tongs - public flogging. At the same time, there are no schools or courses where this would be taught. Where do you think this will lead? I suppose the mores of such a community can be imagined:

• People will prefer to eat in secret, in the circle of relatives and confidants; everyone will continue to eat, but stealthily, without unnecessary witnesses;

• Residents will try not to "substitute", not to confess to their inability to behave at the table - after all, no one will teach you how to eat correctly, in the long term only beating or execution. Therefore, as we can, we will eat, and in public we will do our best to pretend that everything is fine;

• The moral situation in the country will be difficult and unpleasant, lies and denunciations will flourish. Lies - because no one confesses to the actual state of affairs (see above - this is dangerous!), And denunciations - because it will be easy to deal with opponents, having told whoever needs that he collected the gravy with bread from a plate, arrest him.

This is, of course, some exaggeration, but only a little. It is surprising that a huge number of people with whom I meet in my office formulate the requirements for themselves in this way: I must become strong-willed and determined, earn a lot and be successful with the opposite sex. How to become strong-willed - I can’t put my mind to it, there are no ideas; but every time I show weakness and lack of will, I will punish and bully myself. The only way! Don't help yourself to change! But for the slightest slack - you will answer in full, you insignificance. Such people reach a psychologist already tormented, terribly ashamed and in the depths of their souls surprised that such an abundance of "magic pendels", which they shower themselves with, still did not help to "take off" and change for the better forever.

Conclusion: punishment will not help change if you do not know how to change. If you do not show a person the ways to change, then the punishment will be simply senseless torture.

What can you do? Well … It depends on what you want to achieve. If you want everything "officially" to look great and you can boast of your successes and high morality, then prohibit and punish. Punish severely. Execute and beat. And if you want something different - for example, so that people change their behavior and, accordingly, change their lives, then maximum efforts should be devoted to prevention, teaching new ways of behavior and practicing new skills. Of course, there will be less dramatic stories about children bitten by dogs (what can I say if no one has bitten anyone), but walking around the city will be calm and peaceful.

The same rule applies to your personality: if you want to change, look for ways to change and support yourself on the way to change. If it seems to you that as long as you do not correspond to the ideal, you deserve severe punishment, then I have bad news: you will never be able to become an ideal. No one in the world has become one, and you will not be the first. But you run the risk of spending your life in meaningless self-teaching.

You really choose what you like best.