Sexual Violence: Myths And Reality

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

We don't like to talk about it. The car was robbed, beaten on the street - we will write in the social network or tell our friends and we will get a lot of sympathy. And about rape, most often, people are silent. Women are silent, and men are even more silent.

I have conducted many trainings in Israel on this topic. The article is based on the materials of the Israeli Center for Assistance to Victims of Sexual Violence, the statistics given in it are well-known and verified.

Rape is surrounded by many myths - and I want to talk about them

First of all, I will define what is sexual assault: committing sexual acts in relation to another, without his active (not passive) consent.

Why is active consent needed? Because consensual sex is obviously pleasing to both parties. Even if we are talking about sadomasochistic games - this is a game where both partners agreed on it and get sexual pleasure from it. It's the same with sexual rape fantasies: you can fantasize about being raped (that's okay), but no one really wants to be raped. Fantasy is a complete compliance with what you want, and rape is trampling the will and desires of the victim, there is a difference.

Rape - above all violence. Its purpose is not sexual satisfaction, but violence itself, humiliation of the victim, feeling strong at the expense of the weak. In prison he is raped not because of sexual hunger (here you can masturbate), and not because of the sudden discovery of homosexual inclinations, no, in prison they are raped in order to "lower" - this is a form of humiliation.

Often, in the process of violence, ejaculation does not even occur, since the main satisfaction is psychological. This is what the rapists themselves say.

Myth: If the victim doesn’t scream, it’s not rape

Truth: in a state of traumatic shock, the victim freezes. The body doesn't move. This is one of the options for reacting to danger (the other two are to run away and resist). The reaction to danger is automatic. This phenomenon has been extensively researched among soldiers who find themselves in this state in battle. In animals it works the same way: remember cats standing still in front of a rushing car? Many victims of sexual abuse simply freeze, the body refuses to serve them. This is very common and the victim does not have any control over his body and the situation.

Myth: this is very rare

Truth: 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men are sexually assaulted

About men - usually boys under 12 years old. It has nothing to do with homosexuality. This is only violence and humiliation, with the use of sex.

Myth: It happens in bad areas, in disadvantaged communities and, in distant wild countries

Truth: Alas - no, according to statistics - everything is the same. And where women dress modestly in religious communities and everywhere. Where there are more drugs and alcohol, there will be a little more rape, but not significantly. It is true that in a situation that encourages humiliation and violence (for example, war), there will be more violence, including sexual violence. Violence is common in all segments of the population. Wives and children are beaten and raped not only by degraded alcoholics, but also by the most ordinary, unremarkable citizens.

By the way, I use the masculine gender when I talk about the rapist, since 98% of rapes are committed by men. But there are also 2% women. In my practice, I have met such cases.

Myth: beauties who dress provocatively are raped

The truth: babies and old women are raped, as well as beauties. It's not about lust, but about violence, therefore, beauty and clothing do not matter here.

Myth: usually unfamiliar men rape in dark alleys

Truth: 86% of rapes take place in familiar places (club, apartment, school, etc.) and are done by familiar people (from family members to distant acquaintances). Another 7% in taxis and shuttles, the rest in other places.

Myth: rapists are mentally ill people, maniacs

Truth: 2% suffer from serious mental disabilities among rapists, as well as among the rest of the population.

Myth: Deep down, the victim wanted it

Truth: There is no one who really wants to be raped. If a person wants, this is not violence. Consensual sex is desirable and pleasant to both parties. Anything without consent is violence. If a girl decided to sleep with a guy, but at some point changed her mind and made her partner understand that she was not interested in continuing, then this is violence. in the heat of passion! " Teenagers, I usually ask: "what if you are in the heat of passion, and then mom came into the room?". Here, usually, everything becomes clear to everyone, both about the ardor of passion and about self-control.

More often than not, society blames the victim. It is easier for people to say: she did something wrong - she dressed wrong, went with the wrong thing, this will not happen to me and my loved ones, I will do everything right. Thinking like that is easier than understanding that any woman has either experienced sexual abuse herself, or that it happened to her friends. That everyone went to the wrong place and wore the wrong clothes?

So who's to blame? - The one who committed the violence.

Imagine: there is an appetizing cake on the showcase of a pastry shop and it says - eat me! Do you throw yourself and devour it? No, you know - the cake is not yours, and if you want to have it, you need to get the consent of its owner - the pastry chef. Similarly, with the body of another person, in order to possess it, it is important to obtain his consent.

And the last myth: this, of course, is unpleasant, but it will quickly be forgotten. It's just bad sex

Truth: Rape is not sex, but violence against the body in which the soul lives. The therapy lasts a long time, because basic trust in the world, attitude towards your body, etc. is violated. I will not introduce you to the therapeutic subtleties, but believe me, the process of working with trauma after sexual abuse is long and requires special specialization. Indeed, not everyone will develop fasting trauma. But this is more the exception than the rule.

And remember, anyone who has had sex out of mutual attraction and desire can easily distinguish violence from sex.

Ruth Dorum