Relationship Stages: Quarrels (disgust Stage)

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The quarrel phase cannot be avoided in any long-term relationship. Clarification of the relationship has replaced the feeling of love and stability. Both of you have been given a magnifying glass and you only focus on each other's flaws. You are annoyed that your partner is breathing nearby! You start to say what you think. In response, to your amazement, you also begin to get rebuffed. Vile thoughts creep in - but I fell in love with another person! Quarrels from scratch that cannot be controlled. And after them devastation, when it seems that this relationship has died, and there will be nothing in it.

At this stage, couples either split up or stay because of business, children, or home. But some couples choose the path of working on themselves and on relationships. This choice is not easy, but 100% gives its results.

What is important at this stage:

• Do not disperse and agree to overcome this stage of the relationship.
• Become so close with a partner that you can overcome childhood wounds. It is at this stage that the partners express resentments to each other, which in fact at one time did not say anything to their parents.
• Hear your emotions and do the opposite. The emotional state is caused by the fact that old wounds have opened and they ache.

• Treat your partner like an offended child. Seeing the same child in yourself, but with your own problems and bitterness. We get the opportunity to get closer and heal each other's childhood wounds. Look for a solution in the process of dialogue, be ready for change. Communicate your decision, whatever it may be, with love, not anger.
• Give the pursuers care, they really need it, and the distancers need space.
• Do not seek to change your partner. Change relationships with each other.

A little about disgust. Disgust is a feeling that is given to us by nature as a kind of detector of what is not useful for the body. Remember your bodily reaction when you discover something unpleasant. So, disgust is a reaction to something that is inedible, poisonous, unhelpful. Mom shows us disgust for the first time, she teaches us by her appearance what is pleasant and what is not. The child can put his hands in the pot, but the mother instills in him that this is an unpleasant action. At the same time, the mother can impose to endure something that disgusts the child, for example, moral or physical violence in the family.

If there is a conviction that love is when everything is accepted and a deep existential experience of love is continuously lived, even when everything is smeared with shit, then this is fraught with big troubles in adult life, in adult relationships.

Result: there is a feeling of a dead end: "I love him / her so much and I think I should feel good about it, but I feel that I feel bad." And there is a feeling of duality - one part loves, seeks to stay in the relationship, the other - sounds the alarm "you are crumbling, run, save yourself!"

What to do?

• Learn to separate the wheat from the chaff. More precisely, cockroaches from love. Acceptance of everything, including a cockroach, is not love; it is a pattern formed, as a rule, in parent-child relationships.
• The trick is that you can love and stay in a relationship, but not take on other people's cockroaches. There are tons of ways to do this business in a sustainable way. We can love people and not collapse because of their cockroaches.

• Not absorbing the toxicity of those we love while under the illusion that our own poisoning is love. For example, to feel, to rely on our feelings, to allow ourselves not to accept what poisons, to feel disgust for some manifestations of those we love. It is clear and respectful to indicate that I generally love and is ready to accept this and that, but it is not suitable for you to deal with not your own cockroaches.
• Everyone trains their own cockroaches. Take responsibility for your life. You can bring up other people's cockroaches, but this defies logic, and puts the owner of cockroaches in a strange position, who, being a sane person, is himself responsible for them. Nashkodil - take it away.
• Accept in yourself what is annoying in the other. Otherwise, you would not have noticed it, and the reaction would not have been so fast. Many people tend to see their spouse have their own shortcomings, problems and difficulties. Usually, with the accusations we make against others, we really should be turning to ourselves.
• Give the other person the right to be who they are. Even if, in your opinion, he is doing something radically wrong and even if he himself does not understand it - remember, you cannot change a person until he himself wants to change.

• The most important thing is to start with yourself. Get ready for change. Learn how to manage your own cockroaches sustainably. Since every time you point to a branch in your partner's eye, your gaze is covered by a beam in your eyes. You are already a system, one element is changing, another is changing, and if it does not change, then perhaps it is still worth breaking up, since he is not ready to move on to the next stage.