Defense Mechanism Of Polite People

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In the process of growing up, our psyche, in order to survive and preserve ourselves in this huge and incomprehensible world, creates protective mechanisms that serve to eliminate or minimize negative and traumatic experiences.

The action of protective mechanisms is aimed, first of all, at maintaining the stability of a person's self-esteem, his ideas about himself and the image of the world. To make the world as safe as possible for yourself.

One of these protective mechanisms of interruption is proflexion, which occurs when one person does something to another that he would like to get for himself (a term coined by Sylvia Crocker). Proflexion combines projection (when one's own emotions, traits and desires are attributed to another person) and retroflection (when a person returns to himself what was addressed to another).

This protective mechanism of polite people often allows others to get what they need … but as if by chance, in an innocently cunning way.

So, during the Victorian era, it was not customary to ask directly … If you are thirsty, for example, you had to first ask the other person if he wants to drink. Wait from him: "no, thanks" and the same question. Only then could the answer be “yes” so that the person to whom you addressed would pass you water from the other end of the table. It would seem that it is worth just asking to transfer water without all these curtsies. But no … it's bad manners.

The fairy tale "The Fox and the Crane" is also about proflexion. When each other offered something that tasted good to him … in the hope of getting the same from a partner in return. There are many such marriages at the present time. When no one in a couple feels happy and blames their partner for it, causing scandals because their efforts were not accepted. After all, it hurts very much to try, anticipate a reaction, invest time and money, and as a result you are rejected and devalued. But few people think about the fact that efforts are not made because no one asked for them. That someone else actually needs something else, for example, a piece of meat, and you need a chocolate bar. Another needs faith in him, and you need to rush to help solve a problem. Others need peace, but you need to run around the shops …

Manifestations of proficiency can often be observed on Facebook (when they like not because they liked the post, but to like your page).

When they say words of love just to hear them back.

When a girl asks a guy if he wants to go to a restaurant … even though she really wants to.

When a friend gives a handbag for her birthday that fits her shoes perfectly, etc.

Proflexion interferes with communicating directly - because in the parental family it was not accepted to ask, pride does not allow, it is not convenient, it is scary to be rejected (after all, then you can face the trauma of rejection), this is not decent, “good girls don’t do that”, etc. Because that it seems that you know your partner as yourself (and even better than he knows himself). Because there is no experience to speak directly about your desires, to see and hear the needs of another. Because you tacitly count on the nobility and politeness of another person, by your act, as it were, inviting him to play ping-pong, but not taking into account his true intentions. Just expecting him to bounce the ball back. He seems to be becoming a must.

Proflexion is not the worst defense mechanism … until it begins to cause bitter suffering from unjustified expectations, causing a burning feeling of resentment (“I tried so hard, did so much, but he!”). But when you start to analyze the situation, you suddenly realize that there were no clear agreements - everything was built on fantasies, speculations, illusions. And, ultimately, it led to disappointment and regret about the time spent.

For example, as in the story about a grandmother who lived a long life with her husband, giving him her favorite delicacy - bread crumb. She herself choked on a humpback, because she believed that her man should eat the most delicious. Fifty years passed in this way, until at the golden wedding grandfather timidly asked for a dry crust of bread. It turned out that he loved the humpback all his life, but conceded it to his woman, and bitten himself with the fiercely hated crumb …

Love - you say? No… proflexion.