Get Away From The Psychopath

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

After my article on psychopaths received the status of "the best in Runet" (, a queue lined up for me. Mostly people who saw the traits of psychopaths in their partners turned for help. I do not make diagnoses from photos, and I do not advise anyone to engage in diagnostics based on numerous tests on the Internet. Leave it to the professionals. And if you really suspect your loved ones of inappropriate behavior - read serious scientific literature.

Nevertheless, people still continue to share their stories with me. As a rule, upon closer examination, not all candidates for psychopaths meet expectations, but there are also bright representatives with official diagnoses. Unlike many "gurus", I am not inclined to demonize psychopaths. I see behind this term "people with special needs" - of whom there are a great many in our society. For this I am regularly accused of being too tolerant, but this is my opinion. I am in no way claiming to be an expert. People with ASD are not my specialty, but I have both professional insight and some personal experience. Therefore, I cannot and do not want to "cut everyone one size fits all." It is foolish to close our eyes to the obvious difference in behavior between highly functioning psychopaths and their less complex “colleagues”. It is quite possible to work with the former, make friends and communicate. It is quite difficult to recognize them, and if they do not want to open up to you, you will not know who you are dealing with until the last second. Vague doubts don't count.

But about personal relationships - I would be careful. Constantly controlling oneself in daily life is a heavy burden, even for a highly functioning psychopath. Sooner or later, the boat of your family happiness will hit the sharp stones of those very "features" of personality disorder that the psychopath cannot control. And you will find yourself in the middle of a hurricane in a car with no brakes. In the death car, as Iggy Pop once sang. You're in luck if the psychopath gets tired of this game first. I'm lucky. In a recent relationship, my partner voluntarily "pushed me out of the car" just before the crash. Although not immediately, I appreciated this gesture. Perhaps in the long run, he saved my life.

To all survivors of relationships with psychopaths, I sincerely advise you to run away, piece yourself together, and try to keep the red flags in your memory forever so as not to get into a similar situation again. And the survivors usually agree with me. But not always. Despite the fact that people describe the development of their relationship with psychopaths in different words, in different colors and with different emotions, the script itself is always quite formulaic: fascinated - enslaved - used - … In rare cases, the story ends with the word "let go." The verbs “persecuted, intimidated, broke” are more common. But recently a woman came to me with the words “help to return”. Her quite formulaic relationship ended not with the verb “let go”, but with the wording “threw”. The woman was taught that she was too toxic, even for a psychopath. And this thought haunted her. She wanted to catch up, hug, explain herself and save the "relationship." The lady did not realize that this was tantamount to chasing a tiger that refused to tear her to pieces. Relationships are about equal partnerships. In harness with a psychopath, this cannot be by definition. You will always be just a puppet.

Psychopaths are often accused of a special gift to subjugate people. I am not inclined to mysticism, so I explain this by a lack of emotions and a heightened ability to think extremely rationally, calculating actions many steps forward. Women, in their quest to “save” and “be chosen,” become ideal victims. Depending on the situation, the psychopath puts on a mask that matches the request received. Do you need a helpless poor thing that no one understands? Please, you can hug and cry. Are you looking for a strong and independent stallion that no one else has been able to tame? Easily. Let's see if you can go far without a saddle and with your own illusion instead of a bridle. Psychopaths can easily model situations, like spiders weaving their webs. Is there any malice in this? How to say. Not all psychopaths roam the streets looking for a victim. It's just that they are arranged that way. Nobody blames spiders for catching flies. This is their way of life.

And so, when, it would seem, the fly was lucky to escape from the web, instead of joyfully flying and buzzing, it begins to tear back. This kind of psychological breakdown. And even if she is smart enough not to follow her own desires, it is very difficult to cope with these thoughts. Victims of such relationships often have mixed feelings after “release”. As a rule, those who had to fight for their freedom recover faster. Those, whom the psychopath “abandoned”, often cannot come to terms with the “understatement”. It seems to them that everything was fine, and they "almost succeeded."

This is nothing more than a kind of codependency, mixed with manipulation. Victims of these relationships tend to idealize their partners. They are ready to take responsibility for other people's behavior, having difficulty identifying their own emotions. Simple basic feelings - anger, joy, sadness - are perceived exclusively through the prism of relationships. In unhealthy relationships, this prism is distorted. Often the partner of a psychopath is afraid of being rejected - this is exactly what a cunning move called "I left you" is designed for. The actions of the codependent are determined by the behavior of the leading partner. The fear of “doing something wrong” arises. Self-values are questioned, and the sense of dignity ceases to show signs of life. The codependent lives according to someone else's rules and according to an imposed scenario, which over time seems to be the only correct one. The desire to be necessary drowns out the sense of self-preservation, forcing victims of psychopaths to be faithful to their "partner" to the last.

If you recognize yourself in this description, do not hesitate to ask for help. It is difficult to cope alone. It seems that the familiar world has collapsed, and the new one is in no hurry to accept you. Oddly enough, the situation is complicated if there was no physical abuse in the relationship and the bruises are not reminiscent of the obvious. In this case, return can be seen as a path to safety. Believe me, this is a mirage - a temporary weakness. Don't give in to your own illusions. What you take for "safety" is just swamp fires that can lead you into the swamp.