Neurotic Love

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Neurotic love - This is a state characterized by a feeling of falling in love with someone, overshadowed by a lack of reciprocity. Such states are accompanied by a feeling of inability to freely express their feelings in actions. In this regard, anxiety develops.

Internal conflict arises … The essence of the conflict lies in the fact that at the same time there is an acute desire to express their tender feelings to the object of love and an absurd inability to show these feelings.

The escalating conflict creates tension and discomfort. And this, in turn, further removes from the realization of their intentions.

Suffering from the impossibility of satisfying his aspirations, but experiencing an acute need for that, the lover unconsciously transfers his relationship to that sphere of spirituality where there are no worries, that is, in fantasy. Having calmed down and having enjoyed the fantasy anticipation, the anxiety goes away. Further relations are seen optimistically. However, optimism collapses at the first unsuccessful attempt to express those feelings in reality, which so easily and successfully poured out in fantasies.

Optimism is replaced by a decrease in self-esteem, a dejected state. Fleeing from the clouds of impending alarm, there is an escape into a cloudless fantasy, where everything is possible and everything is allowed. And the more often and deeper the fantasy anticipation, the more difficult and impracticable the next real contact.

The seeming hopelessness and insolubility of the problem is manifested in a gloomy mood.

Their impossibility is due to the fact that there is a multiphase stage of rapprochement. One of the partners, thanks to fantasies and anticipations, has reached a deeper level of relationship, while the other, knowing nothing and not experiencing these feelings, is on the surface and at the beginning of rapprochement. In the context of these analytical reflections, one should always remember about the ingeniously described phases of sexual intimacy by Sigmund Freud, which are still fresh and relevant today:

1st. Eye contact phase

a - contemplation from social space, b - viewing from personal space.

2nd. Verbal contact phase

a - short half-questions, half-statements about meaningless events “isn't it good weather ?!”, “you weren't at the concert today?”, “did you like the concert? Yes to me, although by the way … and so on,

b - The phase of substantive flirting conversations.

3rd. Sexual phase

a-touching public places.

b-touching intimate parts.

According to Sigmund Freud, and one can only agree with this, productive contact is possible only if both subjects simultaneously and together reach a certain phase. And the speed of progress along this path is natural for both.

This is the way to develop normal, physiological love. Spiritualized love that brings delight, pleasure. From such love, happy and healthy children are born and brought up.

In neurotic love, the situation is different. The subject suffering from neurotic love traverses a significant path of rapprochement independently, in his fantasies. And I'm ready for a more subtle and advanced contact. But this readiness is ephemeral, and is suitable only for fantasies, while there was no real contact. Trying, once again, to attempt communication from the point of his fantasy phase, his body, which has no experience of previous reflections, is not yet ready for this act, and responds to the unknown with uncomfortable stiffness. Anxious uncertainty develops.

The feeling of inadequacy in performing the actions suggested by his inflamed fantasy only intensifies the uncomfortable anxiety. Despair sets in.

And in an attempt to get rid of painful experiences, there is an immersion in trouble-free flirting fantasies. These fruitless fantasies move more and more away from the possibility of simple human contact. If, when trying to communicate in real life, it is possible to “break” the alarming tension, then instead of easy communication, love, as in a blender, is whipped with anxiety. And this mixture produces interjections that are indistinct and incomprehensible to the object of love or a breakdown in rudeness.

And, escape into "saving" fantasies

The very same object of love, from such communication, is in a state of emotional misunderstanding. And already the object of love develops uncomfortable anxiety and rejection of further claims. After all, neurotically in love, in his fantasies, he is divorced from reality.

He, being at a later phase of sexual intimacy, is ready for rather complex behavioral reactions inherent in the stage of relationship achieved by him. And the object of love, without experiencing the initial emotional experiences, is at the beginning of the path. And this only interferes with the naturalness of the relationship. Each unsuccessful attempt at rapprochement only complicates the situation for both.

To begin with, it is worth considering the mechanisms of the formation of normal love. Each person is constantly under the influence of two oppositely directed biological laws, expressed in instincts (Pavlov's "from" environment and "to" environment). Under the influence of the law of preservation of the individual, a person seeks to protect himself, defending his personal rights and freedoms, defining his boundaries in his environment and establishing his own order in them. Compliance with this law leads to an increase in the level of personal comfort.

This biological law is evolutionarily more ancient, its purpose is the egoistic survival of a creature (man), even at the cost of causing harm to the environment. So building a dwelling, a person cuts down trees, exterminates animals and much more.

Example: renowned avant-garde musician, Don Van Vliet, ordered to cut down all the trees around his house, as the noise of the foliage interfered with his activities. Solitude, therefore, negatively affects social functioning, but allows you to equip an environment that is as comfortable as possible for a particular person.

Under the influence of the law of preservation of the species, a person strives for the greatest possible communication. As a result, not only the probability of more numerous offspring increases, but also the exchange of information necessary for the development of society. It is also believed that a person is also engaged in collective work and mass entertainment under the influence of the law of preservation of the species, since all social activity leads not only to preservation, but to prosperity, prosperity and evolution of the species.

This later law is associated with interaction in a group, is initially altruistic, since the well-being of the group (and therefore of its individual members) is placed above its own well-being.

Example: During wars, church bells were often confiscated by the state for military purposes. But people donated metal products from home and smelted a new bell. At the same time, everyone was deprived of some kind of household utensils, while gaining in spirituality. However, excessive immersion in a group deprives a person of individual qualities, creativity, the ability to make decisions, including unpopular ones.

A person receives true vital satisfaction, balancing somewhere in the middle between creative solitude and an active position in society. In a place chosen individually.

The same laws indirectly explain why social orders brought to totalitarianism are always destructive for the individual, and marginal individualism is antisocial.

What happens when you fall in love? When a person sees the object of his love, he experiences attraction, which manifests itself, first of all, in the desire for communication. However, anticipating the refusal of the object of love, which is undoubtedly of exceptional importance, the lover experiences anxiety or excitement. In this case, there is a struggle of motivations, when a person wants to achieve his goal and is afraid of this, anticipating suffering due to refusal.

In such a situation, three outcomes are possible:

• Or the person cancels his plans, choosing a safer option, when nothing happens and he gives himself up to hope.
• Or, overcoming fears and choosing a more ambitious model of behavior, begins to act.
• Or, due to prolonged stress, it is depleted, and this problem ceases to be relevant.

Considering that when falling in love, rapprochement occurs gradually, in stages, in order to take each milestone (to talk to a person, take a phone number, invite on a date, etc.), you have to overcome an internal dilemma. Therefore, falling in love is accompanied by contrasting emotions - excitement before taking the stage and satisfaction after.

These subjectively vivid flirting experiences characterize the stage of falling in love. Such feelings accompany the stage of knowing each other. Love, probably following, is characterized by less vivid, but, however, no less deep and subtle sensations and feelings.

The complication of relationships from falling in love to love, often with disappointment, is negatively assessed by people who are emotionally and spiritually undeveloped, incapable of deep feelings - “the first passion has passed, etc.

This article is not intended to analyze in detail the relationship between the degree of inner spiritual development and the ability to subtly and beautifully pour out your feelings, but, nevertheless, I believe the following should be noted.

From a biological point of view, relationships that have not achieved a known result are broken. If this happens to a person who is not very subtly spiritually arranged, or his spirituality is blocked by neurosis, then such a break, as a rule, is psychologically traumatic. Resentment and anger arise with the outpouring of claims, humiliation, insults. Or, if the energy of this psychotrauma is directed inward, then various neurotic experiences arise. In such cases, the internal conflict is not resolved.

These conditions are an indication for psychotherapy, since with a protracted course of such conditions, somatization and the development of a disease of an organ (for example, stomach ulcer) or system (for example, hypertension) are formed.

If such a break in the relationship occurs with a spiritually saturated person, then humility and then calmness occurs quite quickly. Past relationships remain as a memory of a great time, as of a past holiday. Such an experience enriches a person and allows you to build further relationships on a more subtle, pleasant and productive level.

In the case of neurotic love, a person gets stuck at a stage where further rapprochement is impossible for some reason. This is the cause of suffering, since a person cannot give up his venture. Suffering is growing.

A desperate situation arises. A person finds himself under the influence of two opposite motivations that have a bright emotional coloring (the desire for contact and the impossibility of fulfilling it). A common reason for this may be the ambiguous position of the object of love, when "advances" are sent at the same time and at the same time when the offer "go to the next level" sounds an uncertain refusal. The same ambiguous situation can arise with innuendo, due to cultural, educational differences or conflicting environments.

Neurotic love can also occur in cases of the reverse development of relationships in one of the partners.

When one, for some reason, loses the pleasure of communication. With formally preserved behavior, the partner may not notice it for a long time. But the phases of their relationship diverge, the subtlety of sensations is dulled. One is in the dark, the other, at first unconsciously, and then consciously seeking solace on the side. If treason is discovered or suspected, then the partner, who was in the dark, is immediately thrown back communicatively. It's always traumatic. Develops a neurosis of love

Being in an acutely emotional state, a person is unable to reasonably judge and assess the situation. Those around them cannot always help, being either involved in neurotic relationships, or biasedly take one of the parties, or, on the contrary, do not have all the information.

Since love is the most difficult, most subtle and most productive feeling, all aspects of his life, without exception, depend on how a person is able to love and how he loves. The quality of life depends on the ability to love. The need for love is as necessary as the need to breathe. Failure to love is like punishment. It is like a prison in which there is no joy, no walls, and from which it is impossible to free oneself. And there is rapid old age, illness, gloominess of life.

It is known that:

• faith without love makes a person a fanatic.
• honor without love makes a person arrogant.
• power without love makes a person a rapist.
• wealth without love makes a person greedy.
• education without love makes a person two-faced.
• duty without love makes a person irritable.
• justice without love makes a person cruel.
• poverty without love makes a person envious.

Undoubtedly, a person suffering from symptoms of neurotic love needs the help of a psychotherapist. And the neurotic manifestations themselves are nothing more than a call for help.