Codependency: The Neurotic Dance Of "love"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Codependency: the neurotic dance of "love"

If you have never experienced serious difficulties in relationships with loved ones, then, of course, this text is not for you.

I am honestly sincerely sure that there are such people and, moreover, I even know a couple personally. They are, however, a tiny minority. Such a minority that it looks like a statistical error - 3-5%. What are they doing? How these healthy people live is generally incomprehensible. Earlier, from my codependent bell tower, it seemed that they sat hugging, kissing and saying pleasant things to each other all day. All this is positive and optimistic, of course. Eternal! And guaranteed! A little later, while studying psychiatry, I had a chance to make sure that the state of eternal harmony and optimism is still a little about something else. In general, God is with them - ideal, flawless healthy. I don't know anything about them. Let them continue to live their boring life)).

But I know a lot about other people. Imperfect, mortal, living, feeling, suffering, mistaken. In short, they are prone to codependent behavior. Such, respectively, are 95-97%.

Most of them are decent, honest, conscientious people. They know how to support and help, they know how to act correctly for others, what ideals to follow. They honor the cult of heroism and live with a sense of the bright image of a martyr or martyr. And to be honest, this is often true. Because, the amount of love and goodness that they bring to the world is not something everyone can appreciate. The light martyrs often take offense at this, get angry, passively aggression.

Much contributes to the glorious martyrdom behavior - the history of the Octobrists-pioneers-Komsomol members, the heroic Timurovites, the young guard, in general, the upbringing of Soviet children. “Give the candy to Mishenka Mashenka, she will love you for that”, “You love your grandmother !?”, “Eat porridge - please your mother”, “Study well - don't upset your dad” … All together - this is about such a collective request from society for "good people. About the culture of being a "good" person. We were taught not to stick our heads out and not talk about ourselves. It is embarrassing, impolite, immodest. But to please others is ok. You will get a pie for this. And emotional, including - "well done, son", "you are our joy."

No, well, to be honest - who wants to be bad? Her. There are no such fools among us even now. Tried a couple of times - they were executed by rejection. Three days of silence from mom, slap from father, boycott of classmates, slamming the door of a leaving loved one.

But we just want to be loved, appreciated, admired. Absolutely everything is desirable. For this, all you have to do is do something for others, help others, make sure that these careless others correctly follow our instructions. In essence - to live someone else's life … to put your needs away … to meet other people's expectations …

And here, damn it, it looks like a dead end.

Chronic companions of a "good man":

- unbearable stress (constant scanning of space for who and how treats me and the expectation of something terrible is very exhausting);

- fear of loneliness (if I am not good, they will leave me);

- anxiety (from the constant crushing of "bad" feelings - anger, discontent);

- psychosomatics - backache, headache, bronchitis, asthma.

Soul hurts. My heart hurts. EVERYTHING hurts! (Codependency is a very versatile phenomenon, therefore there are a large number of definitions reflecting its most diverse aspects. Here are a few of them:

• painful attachment to a relationship with someone and to the problems that this relationship causes;
• excessive preoccupation with something or someone and excessive dependence - emotional, social, sometimes even physical from this process or phenomenon;
• long-term submission of a person to long rules that do not allow open expression of feelings and direct discussion.

Codependency is often deep, almost chronic pain. Loneliness (regardless of whether you live alone or in a large family). Emptiness. When you devote your whole life to another person, there is almost always an emptiness inside.

Pain is about the spade. A person who is sharpened to constantly please others has virtually no psychological boundaries. Therefore, anyone can take up on it. Mom with a claim that you are the cause of all her worries (now you don't need me at all, even if you go to bed and die). A society that requires marriage, after all, you are already already 26! The boss, neurotically scribbling instructions into all possible messengers in the evenings and weekends. And it’s impossible not to answer - what if he fires? And so even though it's a bad job, yes there is.

Pain again. Again Shoot. Suffering again. And so in a circle.

When it gets really unbearable, you can go for a good drink, go on vacation, update your wardrobe, yell at someone unfamiliar. Or a friend. And this is really a pill. Excellent pain reliever. Which, like any pain reliever, helps only for a while. But it does not remove the reason.

Getting out of this emotional prison is not easy. But probably.

For example, send all the fuck out at once. Hide behind a barrier of the installation: “I don't need anyone” or “I can handle everything myself / myself”…. and thus pass into a state of counter-dependence. Where no one owes anything to anyone. It's manic to work. Feel no feelings. Blame others for all your troubles. Be strong, decisive, self-confident.

And all is well. Except one. In fact, counterdependency is just a shadow of codependency. Its downside. There is no less suffering there. And maybe even more. Well this is how much you have to endure! And at the same time, demonstrate the spell - "I'm fine" as much as possible. And when "all is well", then no one is allowed to come. You walk around with such a soap bubble with the only thought - at least not to burst))

Psychology classic Jennay Weinhold compares anti-addiction to a soft-boiled egg. When on top is an elastic shell, and inside is a soft weak yolk. Aggression periodically jumps out of this state. Aggression ahead of the curve - to be afraid and not come close, aggression just in case, auto-aggression. Well, fear. What if someone would guess that this story about "everything is fine" is not really about strength, but about weakness? And, suddenly, God forbid, someone wants a relationship?

And the fatigue is terrible. And apathy. And the impotence is unbearable.

But in fact I want … I want warmth, love, attention, care. I really want to. And it does happen. Exhausted by his feigned omnipotence, a counterdependent person boldly and decisively enters into a new relationship … codependents, of course … So he still has no other skill ((And kaaak will spin this neurotic dance. Codependent and counterdependent. One runs away, the other catches up. Excitement. Pain. Stop. Clap and reversed roles)) And ran in the other direction. And so it seems in a new way. And so somehow familiar. It seems like we were running around here, in this circle … And these turns are old … And this novelty at turns is also familiar … Painfully familiar. Until that very chronic pain.

Intolerance accumulates in such a volume that it urgently needs to be drained somewhere. For this reason, in a codependent relationship, one of the partners can often be addicted. Most Popular:

- alcoholism (drug addiction);

- workaholism;

- overeating or starvation (food addiction);

- computer or internet addiction;

- gambling addiction;

- dependence on frequent uncontrolled outbursts of rage;

- an obsessive desire to constantly do the cleaning.

So is there a way out of this boring monotonous, but such a fascinating story of neurotic relationships? Of course I have.

Codependency does not come overnight or even over a year. This is a complex of psychological intricacies of traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, painful previous experience of relationships, false psychological delusions.

Codependency is a painful attachment to the Other. Someone or Something. The only way to get out of this relationship, to break away from this Other, is to take courage and look inside the most important person in your life - inside Yourself. And finally ask yourself such simple and such important questions - who am I? What are my needs? What do I want? How do I see my life in a year, three, five? What did I dream about as a child? What do I want right now? What / What Am I?

It's a long, arduous but exciting journey. The path towards Himself.

A person with a conscious powerful "I" no longer needs any neurotic codependent dances. Doesn't try to earn love. Doesn't run away from her. Such a Person loves himself, allows others to love himself and is capable of a sincere expression of love.

Such a Personality has a lot of personal affairs. She notices herself and her interests and needs and takes them seriously. Magically, others begin to see them the same way and take them just as seriously.

But this is about another dance. About a dance called - Intimacy.