Games Played By Psychotherapists

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, on the Internet, you can more and more often find articles about the criteria by which it is “easy” for clients to determine which psychologists are good and which are not good enough. And on the one hand, you seem to feel joy from the understanding that the more people learn, the higher the likelihood that they will not fall for the bait of a charlatan who calls himself a psychologist. On the other hand, when reading, behind all the correct points and words, a question mark constantly appears - "is this really so?" And in my head examples of excellent specialists of colleagues come to my mind, who obviously will not fall under this or that criterion of "goodness". One has an insufficient number or quality of diplomas, another has an office in the wrong place, a third does not have such a supervisor or a personal therapist, a fourth has too much pedagogical activity (theoretical), a fifth does not have the same attitudes, and the methods are even worse, etc.

So on one of our local psychosomatic "balinta", my colleagues and I started a discussion on the topic of how often certain specialists realize that playing the most correct specialist is just a game? And how often does this or that psychologist or psychotherapist realize that he is playing such games regardless of supervision, diplomas and levels of study?

In this note, I will give only a few options clearly noted by J. Kottler, which to one degree or another have been recognized by each of us. Has this happened to you?

Therapeutic interaction is not only a special type of partnership, it is also a confrontation between two people who have different goals, life values, and often differ in gender, race, age, education, culture, religion, socio-economic status. The most problematic relationships are based on the struggle for power.

Games played by clients to control the situation are accompanied by games played by psychotherapists who also seek to dominate and act out unresolved personal problems. We evaluate all the words of our clients not only on the basis of the professional need to help them, but also from a personal point of view. The conflict between these two roles leads to increased resistance or defensive position of the client. Too often, psychotherapists play games with others and with themselves. Some of them are familiar to me from personal experience, others I have observed in the behavior of my colleagues. Here are just a few of them.

I have worked hard to get where I am, and you must show respect for me and my knowledge. It's not just arrogance and narcissism that make us believe in our own worth; society as a whole treats members of our profession as recognized gurus and healers, whose legal duty is to help those in need. We are really working hard on ourselves. We make innumerable sacrifices on the altar of our profession, neglecting our personal interests, constantly striving to expand our knowledge. Against the background of all this, it is easy to believe in your own exclusivity.

Have you ever observed how some psychotherapists behave in society, speak with authority and without thinking about pressing life problems? When the therapist speaks, everyone else listens. People believe that we have unlimited access to truth. It's not hard to see the techniques we use to get the client to give us credit. We can give the impression of people with whom you can communicate easily, without ceremony, but just try to show familiarity and you will see us in anger. When contacting us, it is completely allowed to omit all our titles, but only after receiving special permission for this. Interrupt our speech, and we will easily give you the floor. Everything you say, dear client, is extremely important and deserves close attention. We will even announce it loudly. But inwardly we will feel anxiety and incompleteness. Next time, it may be much more difficult to interrupt us. Make a joke on us or tell a funny story about our profession and we will laugh readily. But inside everything will bubble with resentment.

This game is played by many psychotherapists (those who, like me, do not satisfy the need for recognition). At the same time, clients who are already prejudiced against powerful figures are allowed to be themselves. However, if they violate the imaginary boundary, this is often followed by the punishment - coldness and detachment of the therapist.

I am omniscient and omnipotent. I have magical powers that allow me to read your mind and foresee the future. Our ability to influence stems in part from being a role model, the client finds us attractive, mysterious and trustworthy. We use various mechanisms to gain the trust of others. We see what escapes the attention of mere mortals. We reflect feelings and interpret messages that were previously hidden behind seven seals. We are able to predict some events, for the most part our predictions come true. Even if in life everything happens a little differently than we predicted, we always have a reasonable explanation for this at the ready.

Like a good magician, we have a number of tricks in our arsenal that help us maintain our reputation. We also lose our temper when vile, overly observant clients debunk us by pointing out our tricks. I use a small clock that sits on the table next to the customer chair, allowing me to discreetly keep track of the time. Clients are usually impressed by my ability to pinpoint the end time of a session without looking at my wristwatch.

One of the clients, who from the very first minutes said that he considered all representatives of our profession to be money-grubbingers without exception, always tried to prevent me from looking at my watch. For example, sometimes, as if by accident, he put a box of napkins in front of them. Or he threw keys or glasses on the table, touching the clock, so that the dial was turned away from me. Once he became so insolent that he simply took and rearranged the clock so that I could not see it, waiting for my reaction. Of course, I could not keep silent and in an edifying tone I uttered a phrase suitable in this case, something like: "Apparently, you prefer to control everything that happens around you." I was extremely proud to have put him in his place, and decided at the first opportunity to once again demonstrate my magical abilities. Oddly enough, all my efforts did not seem to make the slightest impression on the client. So we worked with him, competing in the ability to annoy each other.

I am not susceptible to attempts to "get" me. I take an objective, detached position. When I participate in you, you are only a client, not a part of my life. Personally, I especially like this game. At the same time, the psychotherapist puts on the mask of Sigmund Freud and looks completely unperturbed. We do this when we need to hide our shock, anger, anxiety, or disappointment, although passions boil inside us. A difficult client, of course, perfectly notices all our emotions and knows that he has managed to hurt us to the quick. We pretend to be insensitive to his attacks and act as if he ceases to exist for us as soon as he walks out the office door. This behavior provokes the client to make more and more attempts to piss us off. In this regard, we, naturally, have to withdraw more and more and show coldness, and everything goes in a circle.

I embody everything that you strive for. Look at me - how calm I am, confident in myself and my ability to control the situation. You too can become one if you obey and follow my recommendations. Despite the vociferous claims that psychotherapists readily accept different points of view, attitudes, cultural traditions of their clients and are not prone to judgment and evaluation, we all have our own preferences for goals and methods of work. This means that, despite the verbally expressed willingness to help the client in achieving any goals set by him, we have our own opinion on this matter and will act in accordance with our plan. Of course, we will not give the client clear evidence of this, however, as a rule, he suspects that we are trying to divert him from the goal and force him to work on the implementation of an important program in our understanding. Here are some examples of a similar game.

• Do you want me to meet with you and your husband at the same time and convince him of the need to be attentive to household chores? This is certainly an important issue that the two of you need to resolve. READ: Come on, lady! If that helps get your husband out here, well, great. Then we really get to the heart of the problem - explore the patterns of your interactions.

• Do you want me to talk to your son, who gives you a lot of trouble after you divorced your husband? Could it be possible to meet with you first to get some information? READ: I'd rather work with you. In addition, most likely the main problem is in YOU, the son simply draws attention to it.

• It is a great idea to talk to your boss about your dissatisfaction with your job. If that doesn't work, we'll work together to figure out what else we can do. READ: How many times have I been told that until you return to college and complete your education, you will not find a promising job.

• Do you state that you are ready to interrupt psychotherapy for a while in order to try to solve your problems on your own? I have no objections. Let's come back to this issue a bit later to discuss the possible consequences of such a decision. READ: You are probably kidding! There is no way I will let you leave now, given your tendency to end a relationship when intimacy is just beginning to emerge.

Reframing problems and generating diagnostic impressions independent of the client's self-perception is what we get paid for. When we know that the client is not ready to accept our interpretations, we offer him in return more pleasant information for thought, which turns into a game. The client realizes our intentions and becomes "difficult" trying to get us to admit our military cunning. If we innocently deny everything, the client becomes even more suspicious and a real battle erupts.

I am a good specialist in my field and have already helped many people. If psychotherapy in your case does not give the desired effect, the blame will fall entirely on YOU. We learn the rules of this game while still being students. Their essence is as follows: our business is to be attentive listeners, and the client's task is to be a good storyteller, to frankly and in detail cover their problems. In the absence of such cooperation, we can hardly be useful to the client. An example of a reluctance to cooperate is a patient who complains to a doctor about excruciating pain. When the doctor asks where it hurts, the patient replies with an enigmatic smile: "You are a doctor, you have to guess."

Thus, we expect, if not demand, that the client, by showing a willingness to cooperate, gives us the opportunity to work the miracle of healing. If psychotherapy does not go according to plan, and the client's condition worsens rather than improves, we first of all place the blame on the client's shoulders: “I work with you in the same way as I worked with others before, and they were getting better. The same should happen to you. This reasoning completely ignores the reality: if we insist on using the same strategy for all clients, some may be offended, believing that we do not take their individuality into account.

Jeffrey A. Kottler. The compleat therapist. Compassionate therapy: Working with difficult clients. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass. 1991