2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2024-01-12 20:57
Have you ever fished with your hands? You know, such nimble little fish sometimes swim to the Black Sea coast after a storm, and you just want to catch them. You rush after such a fish, stretch out your hand, in the water it seems that it is already in your hands, squeeze your palms, feel the tickling of the fish tail touching your fingertips, and … you see that this darling is already a meter away from you. Should I run after her again?
Or maybe they were holding only a small or medium-sized fish taken off the hook? Here you hold her, she lies quietly in your palms, you admire her, and then she will wriggle with her whole body and … has already galloped away through the swamps, swam away in the sense.
This is how it happens sometimes in a relationship. Some question torments. I would like to discuss it with a partner. You get ready: you think it over, choose the words to say for sure and not to offend. You make an appointment. Taking air into your chest, as before a dive, you spread everything. And the partner seems to be listening. And I seem to have heard. And it seems that he will answer now. And then rrrrraaazzzz - he muttered something incomprehensible and was already standing in the corridor in his boots, like that fish.
There is no clarity, there is no mutual understanding and a synchronized view of the issue. Partner or does not answer. Or he answers something in the spirit of a fairy tale "neither with a gift, nor without a gift, neither naked, nor dressed, neither on foot, nor on a horse" - he answered something like, even on business. But this question did not clarify in any way and did not help in any way. I would ask him again - and he has already mastered the teleport and galloped off through the swamps.
Escaping is fishy, often characteristic of people with a pronounced counterdependent structure, people with addictions. It's scary to take responsibility. Responsibility that will open up in clarity. It's scary to face your feelings. Feelings that will finally come through in clarity, and you have to do something with them. It is scary to face yourself, your real self, your desires, your actions. It is scary to face a partner, a real one, and not your own illusions and expectations. It's scary to face reality in a relationship. Easier to slip away: create the appearance of an answer, or ignore it altogether.
But it is impossible to build real relationships if there is no clarity, if there is no synchronization of views. Often people think that "it is already clear what is happening", "I already know what he / she wants", "why negotiate, if everything is clear anyway." And then it turns out that everything is completely different, the desires were different, the expectations were different. One was already rushing to the registry office, while for the other it was "just sex." One spoke in his "language of love", and the other did not hear him, because he has a different language. They said the same word, but meant different things. They argued about different things, but, it turns out, they were talking about the same thing.
But what happens? One escapes and the other is the victim? No, usually the second is also afraid of clarity and is afraid to see reality. It is easier not to face reality and suffer because of an elusive partner than to face reality and … there can be anything in it, both pain and joy. The second escapes through the fact that he does not ask questions ("why? I will not be answered anyway"), through something that allows him to escape without receiving an answer, through something that continues to remain in such a relationship year after year, hoping that something will change.
Therefore, it is so important for both partners to work with feelings. Learn to distinguish between them, learn to withstand them (to withstand your own feelings, like your fingers, for example, or your teeth). Not to be afraid to face them in clarity. And even deeper - to learn to see yourself, so as not to be afraid to face yourself in real relationships. And at the same time to learn so simple, it would seem, and at the same time so difficult - to talk to each other.
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