2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Ilya Latypov Source:
Why is it so difficult for us to choose? And the more options - the more difficult it is? Why sometimes, paralyzed by the need to choose, we give up the choice altogether, shifting it onto the shoulders of others? Why are we pulling with him to the last? And it would be okay to talk about any fateful decisions. So no - even for not the most serious reasons, you can hesitate for a long time, choosing.
A young peasant got a job with a rich farmer. The farmer gave him the following instructions:
- Well, as soon as you get up in the morning at 5 o'clock, milk the cows, goats and sheep, feed and drink, bring them out to graze in the field. Weed the beds, sow the field, harvest hay, watch the pigs, drive the foxes away from the chicken coop, collect the eggs, drive the birds from the field … In general, at 12 o'clock at night, so be it, go to bed.
A week passed and the farmer, seeing how well and diligently his worker was working, decided to give him a break. He called the young man, and said:
- So it is. You worked well, and for today I will relieve you of your usual duties. You do this. See that barn over there? It contains potatoes. She partially began to rot. You just have to do something: sort out the potatoes and arrange them in three piles: in one good potato, in the other already rotten potatoes, and in the third one that has just begun to rot. And then you can rest all day.
Two hours later, a completely drenched, haggard worker returns to the farmer. The farmer looked at him in surprise, and he fell to his knees and prayed:
- Free me from this work! Tomorrow at 4 am I will get up, I will clean the whole barn !!!
- So what's up?! It's not difficult!
- The fact is that I have never made so many decisions!
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The famous existential psychologist S. Maddy notes that whenever we are faced with the need to choose, we must remember that in fact we are always faced with only two options. Choice in favor of the past and choice in favor of the future.
Choosing in favor of the past. This is a choice in favor of the familiar and familiar. In favor of what has already happened in our life. We choose stability and familiar paths, we remain confident that tomorrow will be similar to today. No change or effort is needed. All the peaks have already been reached, you can rest on your laurels. Or, as an option - we feel bad and difficult, but at least familiar and familiar. And who knows, maybe in the future it will be even worse …
Choosing for the future. By choosing the future, we are choosing anxiety. Uncertainty and unpredictability. Because the future - the present future - cannot be predicted, it can only be planned. At the same time, planning for the future is often planning for an endless repetition of the present. No, the present future is unknown. Therefore, this choice deprives us of peace, and anxiety settles in the soul. But development and growth lie only in the future. It is not in the past, the past has already been and can only be repeated. It will no longer be different.
So, every time in a situation of serious (and sometimes not very) choice, we face the figures of two "angels", one of whom is called Tranquility, and the other - Anxiety. Calmness indicates a path well trodden by you or others. Anxiety - on a path that runs into an impassable windbreak. Only the first road leads back, and the second leads forward.
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The old Jew Abraham, dying, called his children to him and said to them:
- When I die and stand before the Lord, he will not ask me: "Abraham, why were you not Moses?" And he will not ask: "Abraham, why were you not Daniel?" He will ask me: "Abraham, why were you not Abraham ?!"
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How to make the right choice? If, as already mentioned, the present future cannot be predicted, then how to understand whether your choice is correct or not?
This is one of the little tragedies of our life. The correctness of the choice is determined only by the result … Which is in the future. And there is no future. Realizing this situation, people often try to program the result, play for sure. “I will do it when it is absolutely clear … When a clear alternative appears…” - and often the decision is postponed forever. Because no one ever made a decision tomorrow. "Tomorrow", "later" and "somehow" will never come. Decisions are being made today. Here and now. And they begin to be realized at the same moment. Not tomorrow. And now.
The severity of the choice is also determined by the price.which we have to pay to implement it. The price is what we are willing to sacrifice for the sake of the fact that our choice was realized. Choice without willingness to pay the price - impulsiveness and willingness to accept the role of the victim. The victim makes decisions, but when faced with the need to pay the bills begins to complain. And look for someone to blame for the responsibility. “I feel bad, it’s hard for me, it hurts” - no, these are not the words of the victim, this is just a statement of fact. “If I knew it would be so difficult …” - The victim can start with these words. When you begin to understand that, when making a decision, you did not think about its price. One of the most important questions in life is "is it worth it." The price of altruism is forgetting yourself. The price of selfishness is loneliness. The price of striving to be always good for everyone is often illness and anger at oneself.
Having realized the cost of choice, we can change it. Or leave everything as it is - but no longer complaining about the consequences and assuming full responsibility.
Responsibility - this is the willingness to assume the status of the cause of what happened - with you or with someone else (as defined by D. A. Leontiev). Recognition that you are the cause of the events taking place. That what is now is the result of your free choice.
One of the grave consequences of choice is that for every "yes" there is always a "no" … By choosing one alternative, we close the other in front of us. We sacrifice some opportunities for others. And the more opportunities - the harder we have to. The presence of alternatives sometimes literally tears us apart … "It is necessary" and "I want". "I want" and "want". "It is necessary" and "it is necessary". In trying to resolve this conflict, we can use three tricks.
Trick one: try to implement two alternatives at once. Arrange a chase for two hares. How it ends is known from the same saying. You won't catch a single one. Because, in fact, no choice has been made and we remain where we were before the start of this chase. Both alternatives suffer as a result.
Trick two: make a choice in half. Make a decision, take some actions to implement it - but keep thinking back to the point of choice. "What if that alternative is better?" This can often be observed with my students. They made a decision to come to the lesson (because it is necessary), but their souls are absent from it, being somewhere where they want. As a result, they are not in class - there are only their bodies. And they are not where they want to be - there are only their thoughts. So, for this moment, at this time they do not exist at all. They are dead for life here and now … To choose half is to die for reality … If you have already made a choice, close other alternatives and dive into the matter …
The third trick is to wait for everything to work out by itself. Do not make any decisions, hoping that some of the alternatives will disappear by itself. Or that someone else will make a choice that we will declare obvious … In this case, there is a comforting expression "Everything that is done is for the best." Not “everything that I do”, but “everything that is done” - that is, it is done by itself or by someone else, but not by me … Another magic mantra: “everything will be fine….”. It is pleasant to hear it from a loved one at a difficult moment, and this is understandable. But sometimes we whisper it to ourselves, evading a decision. Because fears overwhelm: what if the decision will be hasty? What if it's still worth the wait? At least until tomorrow (which, as you know, never comes) … When we expect that everything will be formed by itself, we, of course, may be right. But more often it happens differently - everything is formed by itself, but not the way we would like.
And there are also maximalists and minimalists, about which B. Schwartz remarkably wrote in his book "Paradoxes of Choice". Maximalists strive to make the best choice - not just to minimize error, but to choose the best alternative available. If you buy a phone, then it is the best in terms of price-quality ratio; or the most expensive; or the newest and most advanced. The main thing is that he was "the most". In contrast to the maximalists, the minimalists act. They strive to choose the option that best suits their needs. And then the phone is not needed "the most", but to call and send SMS - and that's enough. Maximalism complicates the choice, because there is always a chance that something will be better somewhere. And this thought haunts the maximalists.
The choice can be difficult, but refusal to make a decision entails much more serious consequences. This is the so-called existential guilt. Blame yourself for unused opportunities in the past. Regret about lost time … Pain from unspoken words, from unexpressed feelings, arising when it is too late … Unborn children … Unselected work … Unused chance … Pain when it is already impossible to play back. Existential guilt is a sense of betrayal of oneself. And we can hide from this pain too. For example, loudly declaring that I never regret anything. That all the past I throw back, without hesitation and looking back. But this is an illusion. Our past cannot be unhooked and thrown back. You can ignore it, displace it from consciousness, pretend that it does not exist - but it is impossible to unhook it, unless at the cost of complete oblivion of your own personality … Wherever we rush - everywhere we drag the cart of our past experience. "It is foolish to regret what happened." No, it’s not stupid to regret … It’s stupid, perhaps, to ignore the fact that he once acted wrong. And ignore the feelings that come with it. We are people. And we don't know how to throw away pain …
So, facing the need for a serious life choice, you can comprehend the following:
Finally, the question of meaning remains: “ What for do I choose this?
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