When You Want To Be Alone

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, a lot of topics have been raised about loneliness. This topic really deserves special attention and has a rather vivid semantic subtext, if you carefully analyze and deeply delve into all the psychological subtleties.

What is loneliness? What is it like to feel longing and feel alone? These are very important topics in the life of every person - it is impossible to live without loneliness, but living in total loneliness is absolutely unthinkable. It turns out a vicious circle …

I decided to open a new section in which I will answer the questions of readers that caught my eye. So, the first comment: “Dear Larissa! You skimmed over the topic of loneliness rather casually, I was expecting a more detailed explanation. What does it mean - when you want to be alone? Who has such a need, who does not, why? How does the inability to be alone with oneself affect if people live in cramped conditions?"

What does “want to be alone” mean? Everything here is quite simple, and each of us has definitely ever experienced such desires - we want to withdraw into ourselves, reflect on disturbing topics, rethink the experience and knowledge gained, integrate all the events that happened earlier (relationships, contacts with new personalities - everything needs to be analyzed and "put it on the shelves"), and sometimes you just want to fantasize, dream about what you want to get further from your life, draw up an action plan or a list of tasks.

In the words of a psychologist, this desire means that a person has already drawn the maximum from other resources, so you need to "return to yourself" and "squeeze" everything possible from your inner resource, thereby balancing these two poles.

In the body of each person there is always a certain "dichotomy" (sequential division by two, branching). What does this mean? In simple words, it is an eternal stable conflict in our minds. On the one hand, I want to feel belonging to someone, merging, sometimes even to feel dependence - I am with someone, not alone (one), but on the other hand, at the same moment I want individuation.

A very striking example is the first separation in a child's life (occurs approximately at three years old). Children have a double desire - they want to run away from their mother, but at the same time, it is very important for them that their mother is near. Accordingly, the baby will be able to leave the mother only when he realizes that she is fully and always with him and will support him if he returns.

If a person does not have this deep feeling that there is someone nearby who will support him regardless of any life circumstances, separation and individuation will be impossible, as a result - such a person will feel a minimal desire to be alone with himself, or the need for loneliness will be absent altogether. Why is this happening? The point is that it lacked the merge. The situation can be seen on a banal life example - food. A person has eaten the first, second and compote, is full and for two or three hours may not think about food at all. We transform these conditions in the context of the topic - the need is satisfied, I want to be alone with myself, separate and rethink the experience gained.

Who has a need for loneliness, who does not? First of all, such a state is characteristic of people who have not received enough merger, who have not fully felt the feelings of compatibility, belonging, cooperation and reciprocity, perhaps even in the work of some kind of complicity. As a result, they will want it more.

Another option is also possible - this is a pathological need from early childhood, some kind of trauma associated with the mother (for example, lack of contact). In this case, the person will never feel belonging with anyone else until after the course of therapy. If the trauma is not very deep, you can find a person who will broadcast "I am with you, no matter what" and confirm this, but this is quite a tedious exercise in real life. In general, the deeper the injury, the more difficult it is to treat it yourself.

How does the inability to be alone with oneself affect if people live in cramped conditions? The answer to this question is unambiguous and obvious - bad, especially if a person has a conscious need to be alone. Sometimes this need may be unconscious. In this case, the influence is more destructive - the person begins to recoup his partner (“Because of you, I feel discomfort in my life!”). The situation is typical mainly for relationships with a partner, when we throw our projections onto each other ("Because of you in my life …"). In addition, if a person is accustomed to throwing off responsibility all the time, it is quite difficult to unconsciously regain it for himself, therefore it is easier to continue to act in the usual way for himself - “That's it. This is because of you … ". Against this background, conflicts, discontent, scandals, etc. begin to arise.

Let's imagine a situation when three or four generations live in one apartment (grandparents, their children, grandchildren (the married couple themselves), great-grandchildren …). Even if the apartment is four-room, at least there are three places where people intersect - kitchen, toilet and bathroom (shower). Quite normal questions arise: How to use the kitchen? Who is the first (second, etc.) to go to the shower? As a result, the situation is characterized by growing tension - a person cannot sit in a corner and relax, reflect, dream up. If at least one of the family members needs to be alone, to dream, to make plans for the future, he simply will not stand for a long time in such an atmosphere and will begin to take revenge on others (everyone around is to blame), make scandals or show his dissatisfaction in every possible way, finding fault with trifles (they cooked the wrong thing, removed the wrong thing, didn't iron the shirt, etc.). All this is called passive aggression. Another variant of behavior - a person will start to disappear at work, start a mistress. There are also cases when people try to completely immerse themselves in a whirlpool of constant tension, do not want to ease the incredible psychological stress - there are five children in the family, grandparents live, and the spouses decide to have a dog, a cat, a parrot, then several hamsters and two rats … As a result, there is no opportunity not only to emerge and take a breath of fresh air, but also to think that something is wrong.

It is quite logical that the constant growing tension due to the lack of the opportunity to be alone with oneself due to cramped living conditions can cause breakdowns, psychosis, and outbursts of anger. A reverse reaction is also possible - a person will withdraw into himself and become isolated, because no one around him understands, he feels superfluous in this "kagala" and disconnects from everything around him - "I live among enemies, but this is not a problem! I will live like that!"