2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You can hardly find a relationship in which there are no quarrels, discussions, disputes or difficult conversations. They say that the truth is born in a dispute. The truth about yourself. We can learn even more about ourselves and how others are with us.
I will refer to the relationship between a woman and a man. However, it also exists in fellowship with friends, parents, brothers and sisters.
Always one side is more silent, the other talks a lot. Someone concedes, someone pushes their way. However, this does not mean that one is weaker and the other is stronger, or that someone is less important. Difficult for both sides. Both feel uncomfortable. Both are offended and hurt. It's just that the one who speaks less or is silent, agreeing to everything, has reasons for such behavior and reaction.
Study yourself, your desires and behavior:
What is important you want to convey to the other person?
Why is it so important to you?
What are the feelings inside and you?
Why do you need them?
What important and valuable do you want to defend now?
When was this in your life?
Thus, by asking yourself questions, you will get a picture of yourself. Most likely, you will not do this during an argument, but later, analyzing the situation (if you do so). Listen to the first answer that comes to you. Don't think, just listen. The answers may outrage you, they may be strange, but they are the clue.
Our values are hurt in quarrels. But they don't just get hurt. Once, someone touched them so that it became a trauma for us. And as soon as the situation becomes similar to that from the distant past, a defender is included within us who defends value.
For example, two people are preparing a report at work. One shows the still raw report to his colleague and listens to his comments. With these comments, he returns to the report partner and he begins to defend the report, refusing sufficiently constructive comments. In fact, he protects his work and does this because in his life there was a situation when his work or opinion was neglected, condemned, criticized, and it was difficult for him to cope with it. Then he could not stand up for himself, but now, faced with this situation, his injury is actualized and he attacks.
So, get to know yourself. Instead of attacking someone you love, each time look at what you really want, what you are defending. After all, you may want recognition, encouragement, words of support, attention, perhaps raising your self-esteem through inspiration from the outside, or perhaps you want the other person to respect your value. It could be anything. And only you can understand this.
Everyone has their own individual desires and past traumas. But each of us can help others in communicating with us. There will always be quarrels, since there are many values and if we are working on something, it is not a fact that the other person is doing it. Therefore, you may run into a chain reaction:
your words or actions generate the emotions of the other, and those emotions cause a reaction in you.
Awareness of our own reactions does not always instantly free us from habitual behavior. However, we can understand that we often defend ourselves not in front of the present, but in front of that distant past.
Know yourself through quarrels and take care of those who are close to you.
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