How To Love People? Chronic Hostility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When foreigners enter the CIS countries, the first thing that catches their eye is sullen, sullen faces.

I often hear from friends and family:

"People piss me off."

"What are they all doing here?"

"People are so stupid / slow / evil / cruel."

Hostility towards other people creates numerical inconveniences for each individual person.

Firstly, a man-hostile person lives in a state of constant emotional conflict, forced to show friendliness to others, but does not experience it from the inside. This insincerity exhausts and infects other areas of life, not allowing a person to honestly look at their desires and figure out the trajectory of movement towards goals.

Secondly, dislike for people is a defense mechanism that prevents the possibility of getting burned. In order for the mechanism to work, it must be maintained in good working order - and this requires energy costs. Could a child who was born into a family where he was loved and cared for could be in a state of chronic hostility? The difference between a person and other creatures on our planet is that we are able to choose love consciously, but in the modern world many of us are so disconnected from our subconscious mind that the border between conscious and unconscious behavior is completely erased.

And thirdly by showing hostility to people, a person falls into a vicious circle: hostility creates hostility. Aggression causes aggression. The outbursts of aggression that a hostile person shoots at others immediately ricochets back. And now it is already difficult for us to understand why we live in such an evil, cold-blooded world, where a person is driven by selfishness and lacks compassion.

Often, those of us who openly admit to ourselves and those around us that we dislike people are inherent in such inclinations as a constant feeling of guilt, the position of the victim, pessimism (disguised as realism), self-delusion - not with the aim of understanding, but with the aim of establishing the loyalty of our position.

But there is good news! If you feel that condemnation spoils your life, let me support you: we can change our worldview only if we have already known its opposite!

Only after passing through the nine circles of hell is a person able to realize the need for change. The inner striving for happiness does not allow one to finally get bogged down in the swamp of one's own negativity - and the person becomes more and more conscious.

For many of us, the question "How to love people" is identical to the question "How to stop judging people." However, berating yourself for judging - in other words, judging yourself for judging others - is creating more judgment!

When we were children, we were taught to respond to an attack by another child with a response behavior: "You give him back." There was also an alternative option: "And you ignore him, and he will lag behind." While both behaviors are powerfully imprinted in our minds, neither is an effective method of conflict resolution.

In the let go scenario, the conflict continues to escalate until one of the parties feels fragmented enough to turn on the be smarter mode. This regime is characterized by detachment from the other person, which is accompanied by the inclusion of arrogance and condescension (both of which are stories that are broadcast to us by the mind).

In the process of ignoring the offender, our mind builds up negative thoughts, seeking reassurance in them. Often we turn on this protection mode even before the conflict looms on the horizon. When we force ourselves to ignore aggression in response to its manifestation by another person, while at the same time experiencing a sincere desire to enter into a conflict and insert a couple of "five-story" ones, our internal conflict is exacerbated. It remains to wait for the moment when we will relieve this tension by provoking our relatives and friends.

The degree to which others are judged shows us how critical we are of ourselves. We try so hard to protect our image as a good person that it seems to us that awareness of our dark sides would tear our psyche to shreds. It is not surprising that the inner critic chooses to release tension by criticizing in others what we ourselves do not accept.

Let me share with you three effective techniques, listed in order of difficulty. These techniques will help you stop judging and awaken in your heart a sincere love and care for people, thereby making your life easier and turning you into a magnet for wonderful relationships!

Technique 1. Relatives and strangers

Why is it so difficult to give up hostility? The reason is that we divide people into family and strangers. We love our relatives - we hate strangers or treat them with suspicion. This duality does not allow us to see a person in another person.

If you feel annoyed by a child, imagine that you are interacting with the child you love.

If an old man bothers you, think of the old man you love.

If it's a teenager, think about the teenager you love.

We all go through similar developmental stages throughout our lives and experience the same emotions. Most of us are ready to support loved ones in difficult times, calming and supporting them. It is interesting that as soon as we see the traits of a loved one in a stranger, we immediately change our attitude towards a stranger at a deep level. After all, all these people are strangers to you - for someone, relatives, loved ones!

Technique 2. Find common ground

The essence of condemnation is opposition. When we mentally condemn people around, we create a gap between ourselves and them: we are alone, they are different. The truth is that we are all different, not hierarchically (one is better than the other), but horizontally (each is unique in its own way).

Try to start finding common ground between yourself and the other person. Turn it into a game on the way to work: mentally name three things, qualities, or moods that you share with each travel companion. For example:

1. We are both women.
2. We both love the color blue.
3. This woman has a frowning face - we both get upset.

If you are learning a foreign language, try doing this exercise in a foreign language: this way you will kill two birds with one stone!

Technique 3. Seeing people as equals

When you feel that you have honed your search for something in common, it is time to move to a new level: to realize that we are all equal and no one is better or worse than the other.

This is incredibly difficult to do. In early childhood, we learn our talents, being qualitatively opposed to other children. At school we are encouraged to compete. Office work, including teamwork, is built on competition. It seems to us that giving up competition means giving up your talents. Nothing could be further from the truth!

You can become a conduit for the idea of rewarding uniqueness in each person. Turn life into a celebration of the amazing talents that are inherent in those around you! Emphasize the merits of others - especially pay attention to those merits that you think no one sees in you. Remember the law: in order to receive something, you must first give it!

The stinginess of praise is often dictated by the fear of losing one's uniqueness. The solution is paradoxical: show kindness and attention to the achievements of others that you want to achieve yourself, and watch the result!

These techniques need to be applied on a daily basis: in transport and alone, at work and at home. Regular application of these techniques will help you reach a turning point: one day you will be surprised to notice that you sincerely love and understand other people and are ready to share their suffering with them at any time without suffering psychologically on your own.

Living in a state of conflict is insanely difficult. Accepting your vulnerability is the first step in shedding the shackles of hostility. I love you and believe in you! You can do anything - I know that!

Lilia Cardenas, integral psychologist, psychotherapist