Maternal Hostility

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Today, more and more often mothers of very young children and mothers of very adult women and men turn to me with one question: “Is maternal hostility normal? And how to live if once or many times obsessively in the thoughts flashed: "It would be better if you weren't there.. let something happen to you.." About such destructive thoughts, words or actions aimed at a child and it is never customary to speak on a similar topic of maternal hostility towards one's own child, since the mother is almost elevated to the cult of a holy deity.. And all religions and society teach us from childhood to honor our mother … "The whole world is at the feet of the mother." - says in the Suras of the Koran.. Mother and in our Christian culture is glorified to heroism, because she is the one who, if necessary, renounces her life in the name of a child.. But is that so? Is it true ? We all know that if during childbirth or in a car accident, doctors face the question of who to save the life of an infant or a mother, then they save the mother first and only then, if possible, take care of the baby. Of the two, they choose her. The value of the mother's life turns out to be much higher than the value of the child's life. After all, she is a Mother, and a mother is a Holy One …

Oh, if only.. But a mother is a living, absolutely imperfect, far from perfect living person, often deeply traumatized by her parents and society and in most cases far from being conscious, and not at all a deity, not an angel, but simply the one who voluntarily decided to give birth to a child and give him life … But for some reason, for this personal decision of hers, the child should be grateful to her and, even worse, to be to the grave, for the fact that she decided to give him a life that he actually did not ask for, for that that she didn’t kill him by having an abortion, or don’t put him in an orphanage, or sacrificed herself for him and denied herself something, didn’t sleep at night, didn’t eat food, fed him, healed.. And all this - I draw your attention - by of her own will and choice she made.

The image of a mother is covered with an aura of holiness and heroism.. But let us look behind the screen of motherhood and here a lot is turned upside down. Indeed, for many patients, psychotherapy begins "about mom." "All problems come from childhood" - we say delicately, protecting my mother from her own anger. But in fact, "All the problems are from mom." So somehow it sounds more honest.

Mom, along with the fact that she cares, feeds, takes care of, if she is also lucky and communicates with the child, and not just pulls him along different "development", she can also spank, can punish, and sometimes very cruelly, sometimes manipulate and emotionally raping the child with her reproaches, accusations, unjustified expectations, she can demand from the child that he deserves her love all the time, she may not just love so unconditionally, because the child is the way he is, but train him by "sharpening" his convenience for himself (in adulthood, this turns into convenience for others). She can devalue and shame the child. Knocking the soil out from under his feet for life. Mom has a lot of power over the child and it is not uncommon for a child to become an emotional slave of his mother, if only she would not leave him, if only she would not deprive him of her attention and love, if only she would not turn away from him in silence … And this is that wildness, which cannot be inscribed in the maternal holiness.. Paradise is at the mother's feet.. Alas, but there may be Hell nearby. And very often the psycho-emotional hell ends up right there - at the mother's feet.. Since the very first person who psychologically traumatizes his child is the mother.. And then the father can connect.. later, much later.

But have you seen such moms who managed not to injure their child? I - no.. It is impossible to raise a child without traumatizing his psyche. Impossible! And moreover, I will say that we need trauma for the development of our soul, personality, increasing mental awareness. As a matter of fact, it is the traumas that push us to the psychologist's office, to various personal trainings, yogic practices … They push us on long journeys to Tibet, to search for the Teacher, God within our own soul.. Traumas contain colossal resources, having processed them, a person can be reborn, regenerate and grow spiritually and personally. Through crises, we renew and develop.. And the first person from whom we learn that there is pain and crisis is the mother. … So the Mother, of course, is the most important person for our path of development, but alas, she is far from being a saint.

And it is maternal hostility that pushes us on the path of development, which should normally be present in every mother's soul, in every mother. And if the mother is not aware of her hostility to the child, she can become very cruel, emotionally cold and cruel, not to mention the physical punishment of the child and his training, like a circus monkey.

Mothers who do not realize their hostility, hide it behind the screen of the holiness and divinity of the mother's role, traumatize children much more, since any bad thought of the mother towards the child, and even more so the action, lead the mother into an unconscious feeling of guilt, from which the mother becomes more more aggressive. Guilt increases the mother's anger and it is a vicious circle. Admitting guilt to a child is unbearable for many mothers. And when I tell my clients - mothers, that sooner or later all mothers need to sincerely and without excuses ask for forgiveness from their children for specific situations, then I meet a protest reaction from mothers. It's a pity. The mother's request for forgiveness from the child for her maternal hostility is very important for the child. Since if a child becomes an adult.. he decides on his own what to do with this or that trauma: to get drunk or start injecting drugs or go to a psychologist and solve his problems in a constructive way. Mom asks for forgiveness and thereby unties the knots of grievances. Once, when my son turned sixteen, I asked him for forgiveness for all the pain I caused him as a child. She asked sincerely, remembering specific moments, without justifying herself in any way. In response, I heard: "Thank you, mom, for asking for forgiveness from me, otherwise this burden would lie like a stone on my soul all my life." From that moment on, our relationship with my son changed significantly for the better..

A mother who does not accept, does not realize her own hostility can do a lot of harm to the child … A mother who understands and allows herself to be hostile is able to stop herself at the moment when she can inflict an irreparable blow on the child's weak psyche.

But where does maternal hostility come from?

1. It may come from my mother's own childhood trauma. A person whose will was once broken cannot afford not to break the will of the weak. After all, this thesis works not only at the family level, but also at the level of societies and states. Wars stem from maternal hostility.
2. But on the other hand, maternal hostility is very natural and natural. Just imagine: there was a woman, a girl, she went to work, ate what she wanted, walked when she wanted, went in for sports, a hobby, slept as long as she needed for her health, and suddenly her life changed dramatically. She ceases to belong to herself. Not only is it unbearably painful for her during childbirth, she also does not sleep normally, does not eat, and sometimes does not even go to the toilet, since a small screaming creature appeared that completely took over her life. She suddenly found herself in captivity, in the prison of motherhood. Well, yes, you say, she wanted to herself, she had to think before.. That's right, she wanted to herself.. But is it not a natural reaction of anger and discontent when life sharply introduces so many restrictions and sometimes these restrictions are not only social, but also psycho-emotional and physiological.?

And such a mother (this is called postpartum depression, if it happens immediately after childbirth, but it happens later) “the roof goes away” from such changes and many mothers tell in the psychologist's office that more than once they were overwhelmed by a demon and I wanted to throw the child out of the window, I wanted something to happen to him and they fought with themselves and with the demons inside, realizing that such thoughts are "abnormal." But if such a mother would accept her natural hostility, realize it, then the aggressiveness of the impulses would significantly reduce its intensity. But many mothers from one such thought fall into panic and reproach themselves until death for such a thought about the death of a child from her own hands. But it’s so natural to be angry at someone who limits you and hurts you.. And here is such a mother, all in a halo of holiness - “I’m a mother! How can I think that ?!”, not realizing his hostility, he gradually begins to restrict the child, reject him, beat him, causing him pain, insult him and humiliate and severely punish him. And then the feeling of guilt (again completely unconscious) pushes mom to a new and new round of hostility to the child or, as an option, to herself (mom starts to get sick or punish herself - guilt always seeks punishment).

Maternal hostility can also manifest itself in the mother's wild fantasies about the horrors that could happen to her child. Yes, this can also be called the fear of loss, which is also quite natural, but when such fears and anxiety become indomitable in the mother, they have a powerful component of hostility towards the child. After all, it is in the mother's head that terrible pictures of the death of the child arise and in these fantasies there is a maternal splitting: one part of the mother is afraid of losing the child, and the other wants this in order to become free again. Therefore, the mother's brain produces scary fantasies about the death of the child. A mother, who gets up ten times at night to listen to whether the child is breathing, partly unconsciously wants him not to breathe. Maternal hostility seeks a way out through the dam of holiness and sacrifice.

Truly, the unconscious works miracles with us and with our children. And it is the duty of every mother to raise her awareness. After all, the mental trauma inflicted on your child may be beyond his powers and then the descending path of life awaits him.

I want to call on all mothers not only to raise awareness, which is the most important thing, of course, but also to accept your imperfection, to come down from the pedestals of maternal holiness and greatness, which will allow you to accept your shadow side of your soul. And never say in response to the child's indignation by your behavior the phrase: "I'm a mother!" Think of something else better. Not that!

Happy motherhood to all imperfect mothers!)