2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
In the previous article, I tried to touch on the topic of uncontrolled expression of emotions. The story of the client case told in it ended well. But there are other stories in my practice.
A client, let's call her Elena, 37 years old, turned to me with a request: what to do with her alcoholic husband? Elena's father is an alcoholic. In a state of alcoholic intoxication, he was rowdy and rowdy. Elena describes her childhood feelings as constant anxiety, fear and horror. At the first opportunity (18 years old), Elena got married and began to build her life, choosing a modest, quiet and patient man as her husband, whom she safely made her "emotional toilet", unconsciously pouring out on him all her suppressed feelings over the years of living with her parents (resentment, irritation, anger, anger). With a patient man, it was now possible to do everything that could not be done in childhood. It was impossible for Elena to realize that her husband is also a person and needs respect. The husband was silent and gradually drank himself intoxicated. At first, he drank alcohol in the evenings, in small quantities. Gradually, the doses increased, the morning required a hangover, so Elena's husband gradually turned from a household alcoholic into a drunken alcoholic. He was fired from his job, he was not taken to a new one, he had to interrupt with irregular part-time jobs. The couple have two school-age children. Scandals in the family did not stop. Money was sorely lacking. In a state of alcoholic intoxication, the husband often got into some kind of trouble. At the time of her conversion, Elena looked very emaciated. It seems that she already did not have the strength to fight her husband's alcoholism. Therapeutic work was initially aimed at finding resources - internal and external, at restoring contact with one's feelings and at managing them. Elena divorced her husband. The story of their life together, unfortunately, ended. What will be the further history of her husband's life is not yet known. Who is responsible for this result? Both. Equally. The husband - for the fact that he endured, allowed himself to be treated like this and did not find a healthy and constructive way out of this situation. Elena - for the lack of control in the manifestation of emotions, for the unawareness of the consequences of her emotional outbursts.
As in the previous article, I emphasize that the problem of self-regulation of the emotional state concerns both women and men.
What if you realize you were using your partner as a toilet?
- Take responsibility for your feelings. Realize that your feelings belong to you.
- Learn to be aware of your feelings and emotions, ask yourself the question: what am I feeling now? You can download a table of feelings on the Internet and learn how to name your feelings.
- Try to determine what need is hidden behind each feeling. That is, to answer the question: what do I want? The answers can be different: I want attention, recognition, security, respect.
- When the need is determined, it is necessary to look for a way to satisfy it. First - think about how I myself (a) can satisfy her. Start satisfying. If I myself cannot satisfy her, think about who can help me with this.
- Ask. Not by hints and manipulations, but directly. In plain text.
- If a person refused to meet your need, he has the right to do so. Listen to the feelings that arose at the same time, name them, accept both feelings and your powerlessness. Allow yourself to be sad about it, cry. Not all needs can be met. The law of ever-increasing needs and limited resources are always in conflict. Accepting limitations - both your own and your partner's - is a sign of maturity.
- Learn to share your experiences with the Other, but do not forget about respect and care. The Other also has feelings. Perhaps he is now unable to listen to you, it also happens. After all, you, too, are not always in a resource state.
- If you cannot cope with self-regulation of your feelings on your own, you can seek help from a specially trained person - a psychologist or psychotherapist. It often happens that, due to the traumatic experience, a person experiences difficulties in recognizing his feelings. In this case, deep and reverent work with the trauma is necessary. Personal characteristics (structure of personality organization and characterological properties) can also interfere with effective independent work with their emotions, the help of a specialist in this case can be very valuable.
The skills acquired in therapy will not only help to build your life and relationships more consciously and responsibly, but also help to pass it on to your children: to recognize your emotions, feelings and needs, to satisfy them in the most healthy way, and also to respect the feelings of other people. … Then, perhaps, it will be easier for them to build emotionally close relationships.
It is possible to learn how to deal with your emotional world effectively for yourself and safely for others - you can with the help of a psychologist, personally I do not know a more effective way.
Respect for yourself and others to you!
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