2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Often, parents in a state of divorce dream that the “former” will leave their life forever, stop acting on their nerves and “spoil the blood” …
However, when there are common children in the family, such a prospect rarely becomes real
Parents hope that the child "will not notice" the divorce, the breakup will not be reflected on him, and they are upset when this does not happen.
There is nothing good in divorce, and children understand this too. Therefore, divorce is traumatic for any normal child, but children react differently to what is happening.
Reactions can be visible and invisible. With visible reactions, adults understand everything … but invisible ones do not appear immediately. And parents may not even link them to divorce. “He took everything so calmly, did not even understand what was the matter! He's still small!"
Child's reaction to divorce
A schoolgirl was brought to me for an appointment: an excellent student, a clever girl, a beauty. But mom lets go of herself only at school. The rest of the time, when mom is not around, he regularly calls her, anxiously wondering where and when she will come. And he is afraid of strangers, and does not go anywhere without a mother, holds on, "clutching" the hand. Some doctors have already diagnosed "social phobia".
This picture is typical for children of divorced parents, because one of the most frequent reactions of a child to divorce is fear and confusion. This is because “in the child's feelings, the decision of the parents to leave is not just a divorce of the parents from each other, but the divorce of one of them from the baby himself,” writes German psychologist Helmut Figdor in his book “Children of Divorced Parents”.
Fears and anxiety are piled on the child when he sees that his father has abandoned him. “Dad left me, so I'm bad. What if there will be such a moment that my mother will leave me ?! These thoughts are also supported by the fact that during the period of divorce, the number of conflict situations, scandals, unpleasant scenes, tears, swearing increases, which ricochets at the baby. “And my mother also swears with me, as well as with my father. She broke up with dad. It means that he can part with me too …”- such is the child's logic.
In indulging in such gloomy thoughts, children can behave in two ways. Some are tormented by a constant feeling of guilt, a sense of their own inferiority, so they become overly obedient, serious and hyperresponsible. Usually such a baby is characterized positively: “Just an angel! Quiet, obedient! " But if you look closely, it soon becomes noticeable that the child often behaves passively, hesitantly, refuses many tasks ("I won't succeed"), or blinks nervously, or constantly pulls at his hair … All these are signs of neurosis.
Other babies, on the contrary, begin to provoke the mother: they behave simply unbearably in order to once again feel that their mother accepts them. They are angry with the feeling of abandonment, the awareness of abandonment, and in this paradoxical way they seek special attention.
It is difficult for parents to accept this behavior of a child. At this time, they themselves need support, so often, instead of providing adequate assistance to the child, those around them struggle with external manifestations of mental discomfort. For example, they are ashamed when he begins to behave like a little one. But children's fear only grows from the inept behavior of adults. “How will they continue to love me if I do so little to justify their expectations ?!”, the baby grieves.
How to tell your child about divorce
Children, as a rule, are very worried about the separation of their parents and hope that mom and dad will make up. However, in some cases, the divorce of the parents gives the children the opportunity to breathe a sigh of relief. Usually such a reaction is the result of protracted scandals and quarrels in the family. After all, it is vitally important for a child not so much to observe the parents in the same apartment, as to see both of them happy. Children are naturally endowed with sensitivity, therefore they are able to notice that parents are unhappy together, and therefore, sometimes they endure a divorce calmly. In any case, parents should, if possible, protect the child from negative emotions associated with divorce.
Here are some guidelines on how to do this.
- Remain empathetic. It is imperative to prepare for a child's divorce gradually. The situation "like snow on the head" is dangerous for adults as well. And for a fragile child's psyche, it is simply unacceptable. In a calm, peaceful atmosphere, tell your baby that the parents have decided to live separately, that they both love him and will continue to love him no less. Let your child know about this in advance, preferably several times, so that he gets used to the idea of change.
- Remember mutual respect. As a rule, a divorce is accompanied by conflicts and a showdown. Try to get rid of this child. Even if not you, but your spouse decided to leave the family, try to speak respectfully of him. Remember that for a child, both parents are relatives and most beloved no matter what. Do not deprive the child of an atmosphere of well-being, which is extremely important for him, even if it is illusory. Growing up, he himself will understand everything and put it in its place. Let his encounter with reality take place at the moment when he already has enough mental strength to cope with the acceptance of the situation.
What does a child feel
Children, depending on their age, understand the situation of parents' divorce differently. For example, in babies 1, 5-3 years old, divorce can cause fears and even provoke developmental delays.
Children 3-6 years old are usually very worried about the fact that they cannot correct the situation. They are anxious and insecure. Indeed, for older preschoolers, stability is especially important, because they are going through an age crisis, followed by a transition to a new stage.
Schoolchildren at the age of 6-12 usually form their own vision of the current state of affairs, and sometimes they can blame one of the parents for the divorce. The stress caused by the departure of a dad or mom can trigger the development of various physical ailments (psychosomatic disorders). And only by adolescence, by the age of 13-18, together with the feeling of loss and resentment, the child develops the ability to more or less adequately imagine the causes and consequences of divorce, the nature of his relationship with both his father and mother.
What can you do to help your baby restore peace of mind?
First of all, as mentioned earlier, the child should be freed from the feeling of guilt. Parents can do this by taking responsibility for themselves. Adults should explain to the child that dad divorced mom, not him, and, despite the divorce, continues to love him.
The child should be allowed to experience sadness and be sympathetic to his emotional state. If the parents do not provide "first aid", the child is left alone with his experiences. He does not understand the situation, is confused and sometimes even angry with his parents for being the cause of his suffering. But besides that, the baby also has love for both parents, therefore, it is love that the child often begins to perceive as a dangerous, hurting feeling. After all, it is she, according to the baby, that leads to suffering. As a result, a conflict is formed in the child's soul between love and hate, between aggressiveness and the need for protection. If such conflicts become unbearable, they are supplanted by the child's consciousness. The family becomes calmer, because the child learns to experience his fears inside, not to mention them. But this does not help to resolve the conflict, but only directs it in a different direction - the child becomes withdrawn or aggressive, often gets sick, experiences difficulties in school, in communicating with peers and adults.
All relatives need to be neutral. Sometimes grandmothers, grandfathers, uncles and aunts violently express their attitude towards "this scoundrel" or "scoundrel". One can and should imagine what it is like for a child to listen to such emotional outpourings …
Maintain a friendly relationship with your ex-husband or wife. Normal relationships and communication hurt the child much less.
Don't blackmail your ex-spouse with a child! “Are you gone? Then here's to you, get it! " - immature position. In such a situation, the desire to assert itself and "show oneself" is realized for a short time, and the child's soul is damaged for the rest of his life …
Try to spend some time together. If you, despite the divorce, have maintained a civilized relationship with your ex-spouse, on weekends, the whole family can go somewhere - for example, to a cafe, park or theater. The time spent with both mom and dad at the same time will convince the child of the possibility of normal human communication in different situations, and will teach him a friendly relationship.
Be sure to analyze your emotions and actions during difficult times of divorce. If you yourself find it difficult to cope with your experiences - seek help from a family psychologist. After all, not only for the child, but also for the parents, divorce is a serious trauma.
The experience of divorce by Anna Akhmatova is very accurately conveyed in the poem "Break":
And as it happens on break days
The ghost of the first days knocked on our door.
And the silver willow burst
The gray splendor of the branches.
To us, frenzied, bitter and arrogant, Those who do not dare raise their eyes from the ground, The bird sang with a blissful voice
About how we took care of each other.
Let your parting be accompanied by a painful, but light feeling, and not anger and fury.
In our family, they don't swear like that!
As the saying goes, disease is easier to prevent than to cure. The same words are quite applicable to the separation of spouses, and to the conflicts that accompany it.
It is very important to know and, moreover, it is necessary to agree in advance on how to conflict so that the mental wounds for all family members are minimal.
If you swear "according to the rules", then the percentage of a successful ending of the conflict increases. People are scared off by the unknown, and if you know more or less what to expect from a spouse, then the balance is better maintained.
There are certain rules and techniques described in the works on conflict management.
Family psychologists have noticed that every conflict has 4 parts:
The first part is emotional, when someone in the family is dissatisfied with something, "boils" and is indignant. We are all living people, and it is quite natural that the behavior of even the closest person may not suit us.
The second part is the time when we “cool down” ourselves and calm down, calm down, prepare the spouse for a dialogue. It is very important to know that this part is needed. This is the foundation for further negotiations, the third part of the conflict. Negotiations should be conducted calmly and in detail. What can help in this, how to make the negotiations “at the highest level” and, as they say, “constructive”? This will be discussed a little later. And now - about the final, fourth part. She's the nicest. It is dedicated to how you can balance the conflict. As opposed to a quarrel, you can organize some kind of pleasant event - go to a cafe with the whole family, to the cinema, or take a walk in the evening.
Now for some tips on how to negotiate
To reduce stress, you must not be locked into your own state (for example, on your resentment) or your thoughts. We must try to tune in to the spouse, mentally take his place and imagine what events brought him to this state. Looking into his eyes, watching the changes in his face, posture, hands, try to feel. How would you feel and how you would act in this state.
All this you just have time to do in time for the "aggressor" to be able to speak out. If you give him such an opportunity, and even leave a pause after that, this will release the tension and facilitate further contact. Of course, it is necessary and very attentive to listen to everything that has been said.
In the case of verbal aggression, the best effect is usually the surprise of the reaction. If according to the "scenario" you must either "respond in kind", or fall into irritation, anger, shout in response, or admit defeat. To avoid such a development of events, your task is not to provide the desired result. For a conflict, the typical reaction is aggression or fear. Offended or attacks, or "surrenders." Therefore, the so-called "echo technique" turns out to be very effective, when you return his statement to your opponent, while maintaining politeness and composure. As a result, the tension decreases, the person feels respect for himself, there is an opportunity to speak more calmly. If you see weaknesses in the statements of your significant other, repeat in slow motion. This will allow the interlocutor to look at himself from the outside and see his own mistake without your direct reference to it and will facilitate its recognition, bring positions closer together.
Let your spouse, even during a quarrel, feel your importance, the value of your judgments!
If you see that he is right about something, immediately admit your mistake and try to offer a way out of the situation. This will give you the opportunity to once again be convinced of your openness and good intentions.
Humor is a wonderful way to relieve tension, but it must be used very carefully. Often, an unsuccessful joke is a reason for conflict. It is important that humor in relation to a loved one, even inadvertently, does not sound like a mockery or a mockery.
