Love Is Always A Mistake

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Love is always a mistake. You should not pin on a new partner and a new relationship ten times more than it was in the past.. Most men and women, having experience of love friendship, naively believe that this will help them in a new relationship. And it is precisely because of this self-confidence that they again lose loved ones again and again.

Agree, it sounds somewhat paradoxical. We are all accustomed to the fact that any kind of activity necessarily gives us not just some kind of experience, but, most importantly, this experience is necessarily useful to us when we undertake to do something similar. Some love relationships, from this point of view, should also be similar to other relationships. And if so, then some love relationships (for example, past), just by definition, must necessarily help others (for example, current, or future). In theory, anyway. However, I will greatly disappoint you. Alas, in the real practice of love relationships, the presence of a previous great love experience rather complicates the conduct of a successful relationship than helps it. Now I will explain my position in a well-reasoned way. There are at least ten reasons for this paradoxical phenomenon. Here they are:

♦ Ten reasons for the negative impact of past love relationships on new ones:

♥ Reason 1. The very fact that you have lost a previous relationship means that you do not really understand the very essence and strategy of love relationships, and if you still fail to master this "higher mathematics of human psychology", you will not work "on mistakes », It is likely that the tragic ending of the relationship will be repeated in some other version. Therefore, just like in war, defeat in one battle does not at all guarantee you an automatic victory in the next, as long as you do not modernize your behavior in some correct way, defeat in one love is not at all a sign of your approaching victory. in love next.

In love, just like any other game of chance

there is no guaranteed alternation of victories and defeats

Therefore, either a very experienced or a very lucky player wins,

most players lose regularly …

♥ Reason 2. After the failure of past love relationships, most people are very afraid that another loss of life time will occur in the new relationship. (The mediocre fulfillment of love relationships is punishable by depriving you of the best years of your life for a period of one to ten years). Accordingly, they almost always make one of two behavioral mistakes:

• - they either very much accelerate, "spur" the development of new love relationships, trying to bring them as quickly as possible to the registry office and the conclusion of an official marriage (as a rule, this is typical for girls);
• - either they begin to dramatically delay, "slow down" the development of new relationships, intensively studying the personality and behavior of their partner, not in a hurry with the creation of a family (as a rule, this is typical for men).

The saddest thing is that in both cases, this behavior can enter into dissonance with the expectations of the partner, provoke conflicts and … eventually destroy everything.

♥ Reason 3. After the failure of past love relationships, most men and women are very much afraid that they will be either deceived or used. Accordingly, both men and women begin to try to "put a straw where they fall," that is, especially carefully study the personality and behavior of a partner, looking for some hidden motives in them, in their own way (and according to their degree of corruption from the past mental tragedy) interpreting every step and every statement of the partner, thinking out for him exclusively in black colors. As a result, they regularly “inflate the elephant out of a fly”, reproach the partner for something that he did not even think about, despise for something that did not exist. It is not surprising that this again leads to mutual misunderstanding, quarrels, scandals, cooling and … new tragic endings.

♥ Reason 4. At the beginning of a new love relationship, most of those men and women who were very traumatized by the painful completion of the previous relationship, do the stupidity of honestly telling their new partner all their ins and outs, including a detailed description of the previous relationship and their feelings in them. From here, in a completely logical way, psychological tension follows, but simply the nervousness of the new partner associated with the thoughts that a person who has recently lost his love may at any time unexpectedly leave him (her) (new partner) and return to the former (her)). (By the way, it often happens in reality. Hence the massive reproaches of "continuing relations with the former", increased jealousy and a painful sense of ownership of the new partner. And again, these are quarrels and conflicts!

All this becomes "squared" if a man and a woman who began to communicate have both lost their partners before. At this point, they definitely have no time for jokes: people only have time to follow each other and read their partner's phones …

♥ Reason 5. At the beginning of a new love relationship, most of those men and women who were very psychologically traumatized by the painful completion of the previous relationship also sin with such a mistake as constantly comparing their new partner with their ex. And, as you know, it is the former partner who wins this comparison.

Comparison of partners in love relationships

almost always happens to the disadvantage of the new partner

And all because the very fact of the comparison made means

that a man or a woman is not very happy with the existing reality

This is due to the fact that the duration of communication with a new person is not very long and he (she) is compared at the stage of two or three weeks or months of a relationship, with the one with whom communication has lasted for many years. Of course, years of habit do their job …

Comparison and analogy are always a very whimsical and dangerous thing, even if they are carried out silently, without introducing a partner into the course, without regularly familiarizing him with what you have thought up in your head. If a man or woman commits such a stupidity that they compare the former (s) and the current partner out loud, in the presence of a partner, in his (her) face, then this almost always turns out to be an extremely difficult test for a new relationship.

♥ Reason 6. Most of those men and women who were the initiators of parting in previous relationships, creating new ones, seek to get themselves a partner who would be as little like the former (s) as possible. As a result, they can indeed find just such a partner for themselves, forgetting that due to the presence of a certain psychological inertia, the presence of stereotypes in consciousness, their own thinking and behavior is still tuned to a different, old type of person. As a result, there are almost always such lapping quarrels that can have a negative impact on the outcome of a new relationship.

♥ Reason 7. On the contrary, most of those men and women who were abandoned by their partners in previous relationships, creating new ones, seek to get themselves a partner who would be as similar as possible to the former (s). As a result, they really can find themselves outwardly just such a partner (name, weight, height, age, education, nature of work or hobbies, family composition, etc.), while forgetting that the external design of a person rarely matches his inner state. Faced with the individuality of a new partner, such men and women consider it harmful and unnecessary, begin to try to "remake" the partner for themselves (but in reality - under the former (s)), as if to return him to his "original" allegedly true position. As a result, there are quite serious contradictions and disagreements. Saving their own "I", their individuality, new partners often abandon those who seek to turn them into others too quickly.

♥ Reason 8. Many men and women, starting a new relationship, try to communicate with a new person for themselves, as if "playing out the unfinished", as if continuing those love relationships, from which they were forcibly pulled out from a certain stage by the abandoned partner. Such people continue to communicate with a new partner as if they have known each other for a long time, as if they are continuing what they started long ago. This rate of relationship is not always close to the heart of the partner who was not friends with anyone before, did not lose relationships, and therefore seeks to communicate "from scratch."

♥ Reason 9. If, starting a new love relationship, you will fundamentally be extremely cynical and consumer-minded, planned to fall in love with your partner, and yourself remain internally cold, you will surely be annoyed by the puppy's loyalty to your partner, and his (her) will be your restraint in the appearance of feelings and emotions. This emotional imbalance will create difficulties, endless clarifications of who loves whom and how much, mutual grievances.

♥ Reason 10. Most importantly: If in a new relationship, in the end, you still fall in love (and this is very likely, because there is no immunity to love), your mind and will are partially paralyzed by new love, for a while your memory will seem to be "erased" … After all, let me remind you: love is a “biological malfunction” in the work of the ordinary social program of the average person, a computer “virus” that disturbs the tuning in the work of the “social block” of our consciousness. As a result, you will temporarily become a completely happy person, thanks to the idyll in your head, the level of your rational behavior and self-control will greatly decrease and you … will again begin to step on the same rake that has already hit you on the forehead in past relationships.

These are the top ten reasons for the negative impact of past love relationships on new ones. As you can see, it is not possible to bypass them all, even theoretically. Hence the extremely uncomplicated practical recommendations:

Practical recommendations:

First. Take the conflicts in your new love relationship for granted

Although common scenarios for love behavior are quite stereotyped, nevertheless, as you saw above, it is quite difficult to completely get away from repeating the mistakes of past relationships. And as much as you would not like to sometimes shout: “Darling, that's enough! We've all gone through this in our past relationships. If you say this now, I will have to do this and we will definitely come to the result that you and I don’t need … Therefore, let's replay everything …”- in practice it is almost impossible. And this is also a variant of a love conflict, a conflict between the love experience of one person and the love experience (or lack of this experience) of another person.

Getting out of it is difficult. But you can. And this can only be done thanks to your patience and a clear understanding that this is normal.

Fighting over and over again over something that has caused you more than once

quarreled in your "past love life", take it for granted. Don't be angry with yourself or your new loved one

He doesn't have to suffer because you are hurt

from someone else and their illusions in past relationships

That is, without having the technical ability to completely cancel conflicts in a new relationship, the only thing you can really do is become a little more tolerant than in previous relationships. Since quarrels are still unavoidable, you can at least become the initiator of a quick reconciliation. But the quick reconciliation of partners is an important step towards reducing the total number of grievances.

Second. Give up analogies in your love relationships

In no case should you consider that your main goal in a new relationship is to "finish off" the previous relationship. Perceive your new partner as a completely independent and distinctive person, do not squeeze him (her) into the tight framework of a completely different person - a former partner. Do not ask the new partner to repeat or deny the behavior of the person with whom he (s) most likely does not even know (s). Understand and take for granted:

The fewer analogies we make in our love relationship,

the less the need to start all over again

So even in your twenties, pretend to be friends for the first time. This way you will not offend yourself or your new relationship partner.

Third. Compare the hours of your love expectations

After your relationship has passed over a year and has proven its viability, it is necessary to compare the timers of your mutual expectations, establish the general timing of your love affairs. No matter how it may seem to you "immodest" and "indecent", you must do it.

After celebrating the first hundred days of your friendship, you should sit down and have a frank conversation with your new loved one. You shouldn't be asked to move out immediately or set a specific wedding day. But you must, one way or another, synchronize your goals in life, synchronize the clocks of your expectations. Otherwise, your relationship will gradually begin to die from banal reticence, thinking out for each other.

Fourth. Never make decisions for your partner

Keep in mind: If you give each other a certain period during which your partner must do exactly those actions that you expect from him (her), exclusively on the sly, "on your own mind" - this will mean that this time will be each has its own. More precisely, you will have two different schedules of meeting expectations at once. As a result, it turns out that everyone plays by their own rules. You gave your partner another six months "head start" to correct the identified shortcomings, and he (a) will suddenly present you with an ultimatum and demand surrender …

Therefore, do not try to make decisions for your partner! Do not think that he / she thinks exactly the same way as you, or guesses about what you are dreaming about. The chronological framework of love expectations should be voiced in the same way as those expectations themselves! Otherwise, the conflict cannot be avoided …

Fifth. Don't look for hidden meaning where there is none

I do not advise you to think out something for your new partner. Do not try to put a hidden meaning in those actions and statements that in fact "did not mean anything like that." The proposal for a joint vacation at the sea is not always a hint of a honeymoon trip. Saying that “it would be nice to get to know your parents” does not always indicate a strong desire to get into your family. The beginning of renovation in a partner's apartment does not mean that they are ready to see you there as the "legal half". Buying a car by a partner is not a reason to hope that it is you who are destined to sit next to him (her) …

Remark

I hope that you will feel a little less like “veterans and demobels of the army of love”. Remember:

In love there are no generals, in it all are privates

On the distribution of personal and family Happiness,

before Love all stand in one line

However, in love there are invalids from past love battles. Try not to get blown up on the Cupid mine because of your own self-confidence.