Sex, Love And Why They Are Not Always Together

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

psychotherapist, body-oriented trauma therapy

When I am faced with how people violently break other people's boundaries and also violently allow their own to fail - they do what they do not want, demand from others to change, cannot refuse, demand that others violate their plans for their sake, and if this is not happens, they are mortally offended, inevitably you begin to think how to deal with this.

In a world of shattered, violent borders, it's hard to stay whole.

It's like car enthusiasts say that if you drive according to the rules in our country, you will be the worst creator of emergencies.

But if heaps of iron, horsepower and gross physical laws play on the road, then in the inner world of everyone the processes are much more subtle, imperceptible, but this does not become less destructive.

Why can't boundaries remain integral, why do people stubbornly ignore others and hurt themselves? Why does this happen every day, year after year, often all your life?

Once upon a time, immediately after birth, the mother, taking the child in her arms, was one with him. The border was one, including two. And yes - it was wonderful, warm, comfortable, and the child felt loved. But is it always like this for everyone? No, not always.

Most often, a mother, who also did not receive unconditional love from her parents, does not believe that her child is good only because he exists and was born to her.

Oh yes, that would be an ideal situation, but any mother is not a saint.

She believes that you can love a child only when he is "good", that is, it corresponds to her idea of what kind of child is good, and from which will grow up to be a good person.

If the child is obedient, that is, he does not show his disagreement, if the child quickly calms down, is not demanding, eats whatever is given, smiles and is healthy - yes, the child is good.

But where have you seen babies born one-sidedly good? That's right, nowhere.

Therefore, when a child cries, not responding to mother's admonitions, when he does not want what his mother wants from him, when he is angry, demands, stomps his feet and demands to recognize his needs, which are different from the mother's understanding of what is good and what is bad, here such a child is often rejected.

Our aggressiveness, sensitivity, sexuality, excitement, joyful screams or sorrowful sobs are not needed by our mother. She only loves you when you are good to her.

Why is there aggressiveness. Sometimes the child's own gender is not recognized by parents who were expecting only a boy, or who only wanted a girl, and the child was suddenly born not the one they were expecting.

And if a mother once suffered a more serious injury, then she will displace her child-victim on her child and will treat her newborn child, not as with a new, just appeared person, but as with that child who has not found peace inside herself, as with the child that she once was. She will try to save her child through her child, or, if this is not possible, finally kill her victim. Because it hurts - all your life to feel what a traumatic person feels, and at the same time not to react in any way.

So, love is what happened to mom. Merging, or rather the infusion of the child into the structure of the mother. She loved me when I was what she needed me. It doesn't matter that it was not me, but that I had to take myself away, it is important that I loved.

This is the only kind of love that most children of mothers with narcissistic trauma know.

And try to prove that it has nothing to do with love. And it only has to the story of a daffodil falling in love with his ideal reflection in the water.

Often narcissistic trauma (that is, denial, rejection, and therefore underdevelopment, of one's own "I") is maintained inaccessibility for experience, in isolation, with the help of the unconscious, made at the moment of rejection of his "I" by a child, decisions like "I will never again allow this to happen ". And indeed, he no longer lets other people close to him, does not enter into intimacy, sometimes he chooses those who are not inclined to close relationships, sometimes he projects his own desire not to get closer to others.

As they grow up, these children do the same in their adult relationships.

Either they demand that the partner be a complete reflection of them, that is, that he, as his, does not exist at all, or they destroy themselves as themselves, leaving themselves the opportunity only to copy the partner. Or, most often, they do both.

And even more often they have been gone for a long time and they do not know who they really are.

And love becomes the ability to feel warm feelings only for those who are the same as you, who are in merging with you, who do not recognize either their own, or your boundaries, or themselves.

And everything would be fine. Only bodily intimacy, sex … spontaneous and playful, passionate and rough, romantic and greedy, fast and gentle, that bodily process that cannot be fooled is possible only if we are initially separate. You can only want someone else, someone who is free and at the same time be free yourself.

Therefore, and often in closeness, sex becomes impossible, the very play of two free bodies is impossible in the primary fusion.

Therefore, it becomes impossible to love and tenderness to ANOTHER, not such as yourself.

You probably know how such issues are resolved.

This love of the unattainable is a great opportunity to suffer, but still preserve freedom.

Love in the family, and sex with a mistress, whom it is better not to marry, because everything will be the same again.

Love for someone who does not love you takes advantage of you, but leaves you more free to awaken your passion for him.

As a result, love itself is stuck together with fusion, and sex, passion and desire - with freedom, which is achieved only in the absence of a loved one.

Narcissistic trauma splits the heart and genitals, to put it bluntly. It splits love and sexuality, that is, what should be one - our body and the ability to love, the ability to feel and the ability to experience bodily arousal

Love and other feelings are what we always experience, what flows freely through the body, filling it with vitality.

Narcissistically traumatized people, those whose "real me" was once rejected and recognized as "bad", are deprived of the very possibility of believing that they can be loved as they are. And also the very ability to love others.

The main introject left over from childhood - I cannot be loved - lies so deeply and becomes the main base on which such a personality is built.

Such a person builds relationships with others, with the world and himself only from this idea - I am the one who cannot be loved the way I am. It is possible only if I become someone else. And any other is also not good until he becomes who I want him to be. After all, I can only accept and love my ideal reflection. No shadow, no flaw, no life in the end.

Such is love without love. Bringing suffering, pain, self-doubt.

Accept yourself - how difficult it is when from birth you do not remember who you really are, what kind of person you are …

Share, how are you? Do you notice your desire to rehort and change others, are you waiting for a happy day when the one who is next to you finally understands you and will do as you said?