Dangerous Relationships: Recognize And Neutralize

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Not so long ago, the country was stirred up by the news that a young man, in a fit of jealousy, had killed a girl who had abandoned him. I killed it right on the street. And we can be horrified by condemning the killer, or we can try to understand the reasons for what happened.

However, this situation may not happen to everyone. And this is not about someone's fault, but about the very scenario of young people's relations.

In most cases, this is not the first time a person has such a relationship, in which aggression and violence are permissible. This is the first criterion to rely on. Usually, people who miss the first signals of danger, ignoring them, get into a dangerous relationship with a person who is not able to control themselves in strong emotions. And this does not happen through their fault, it happens because such an internal scenario of relations is already embedded in them.

Obviously, the relationship in that couple cannot be called healthy. There was a very strong and unhealthy emotional dependence, the rupture of which on the one hand led to pain, and as a result - to aggression on the other. His pain does not justify his action. But even for a psychopath or tyrant, the loss of a victim is a shock. It is a fact.

But in the case of a healthy relationship, each partner goes through pain without much. This does not mean that everyone leaves the relationship with a smile on their face and a sense of gratitude. This means that after a breakup, no one harms himself, another person, and does not lose control over himself.

Relationship scenario

Relationship is an unconscious program of building relationships based on the experiences we have as children. In this scenario, we subconsciously seek confirmation of what we have seen. And the more painful it was for us to see, the more we need confirmation that this is normal. Paradox.

For example, a girl grows up in a family with an emotional, physical or sexual relationship between her parents. Every time the father comes home not in the mood and he doesn't like the way his wife looks at him, he hits her. A less radical way - he humiliates her. The girl has never seen any other relationship, and therefore what is happening for her is absolutely natural. And this is uncomfortable and painful. This internal divergence leads her to seek a logical explanation to cope with this cognitive dissonance. And then the girl explains to herself that a relationship does not have to be good, that a woman should endure, and a man can behave in a similar way.

This is the reality of many people.

When a girl is already 20 years old, she builds her first ones. Meets a guy who is very caring, but sometimes too critical or in control of her every move. But since her childhood experiences with her father hitting her mother are so much more intense than his excessive control, she does not even recognize these early warning signs. For her, this is more than normal, it is better than it was in her family, which means it is good. With gratitude for the fact that he is much kinder than her father was, she becomes attached to the guy. And he continues to miss aggression or excessive control in his address, since this is not included in the danger zone. Even if he hits her the first time, it will not enter the danger zone. Because it has always been like this in her family, which means that this is normal.

She continues to pass signals, thereby giving the guy permission to be more aggressive. But at some point, the victim falls into that girl who was very scared. And he makes a spontaneous decision to leave this dangerous relationship. The solution is good, but the problem is that she has not seen how it is done and does not know how to do it safely. Because her mother never left her father.

The girl does this with great fear, and often without insurance. And since before that dangerous signals were encouraged, the partner falls into a rage and strikes another blow. Sometimes he kills her, sometimes he kills himself. Sometimes he brings her or himself to a mental hospital. At least my experience of working with such couples and victims of violence testifies to this.

Can a girl be blamed for getting into such a dangerous relationship? No. Can her family be blamed for creating such a scenario? In part, but not completely. Can you blame the guy? Many will say: of course, yes! His act causes indignation and condemnation, but the guy also has his own script, which he played.

Signs of a dangerous relationship

We cannot regulate in any way what experience we got as a child. But we can be attentive to which partners we have a relationship with. Therefore, below I will list the criteria for unsafe partners. It is also important that they do not depend on social, material, family status and age.

Excessive care

It may seem to you that this is not dangerous. And half the time you'll be right. But the other half is the risk of over-caring escalating into control, jealousy, punishment for inappropriateness, and ingratitude.

What do I mean by over-caring? This is caring for an adult, independent person as a child. This is a concern that makes you unpleasant, cramped and difficult to breathe. When you refuse it, you feel guilty.

Hyper control

When one partner, regardless of gender or age, requires to report all your movements, calls, acquaintances, it filters your environment. Children need control for their safety, and then within reasonable limits and according to their age. Healthy control may be needed by someone with mental illness or physical disabilities. But he is not needed by a physically and mentally healthy person who is able to make independent decisions. Control is not to be confused with caring. Caring implies that the other person needs it. Control, on the other hand, implies the calmness of only the controller. And this is a dangerous relationship.

Jealousy

The issue of jealousy usually causes a lot of controversy among psychologists. Why? As some colleagues are of the opinion that jealousy is an indicator of concern. Others (and I am one of them) are sure that jealousy is a manifestation of possessiveness. Moreover, jealousy is usually accompanied by aggression towards the partner. This is my subjective opinion, and you have the right to agree or disagree.

I believe that relationships where there are clear signs of jealousy, including over-control and aggression, are dangerous relationships in which the other partner experiences fear and tension. Such emotions on an ongoing basis in a relationship cannot be healthy. It is also difficult to enjoy these relationships.

Display of aggression

Aggression and anger as such are normal human emotions. The edge lies in the level of manifestation and intensity. And most importantly - safety for the people around and for the person himself.

There are certain criteria by which we can say that anger and aggression as its manifestation are normal. For example, healthy aggression is usually adequate for the situation. It doesn't come about without a reason. Another question: what is the cause of aggression for another person may not be for us.

Sane aggression usually has a rational explanation, and a person is able to reasonably argue for what he is angry. Nothing can justify physical abuse. Inability to do something is not a reason for humiliation. And this is the norm. If this is not the case in your case, then this is a dangerous relationship. Psychologically and physically.

Exaggerated need for recognition

Everyone has a need for recognition. This is one of the eight relationship needs that we feel are valued and secured when we meet them. But sometimes this need takes on painful forms. In such cases, a person is so in need of admiration that he aggressively reacts to insufficiently bright, in his opinion, manifestations of recognition. Next to such a person, you may feel that you are not doing anything important, that you are not there at all. There is only him and his merits. And the partner demands recognition of these merits on a regular basis, aggressively and loudly.

Constant harsh criticism

What is harsh criticism? This is an aggressive, harsh, negative assessment of everything you do, accompanied by humiliation and your feelings of guilt and unworthiness. Unfortunately, most of us have gone through this, having experienced similar experiences from teachers, parents, society in general.

If your partner is convinced that you are doing everything wrong and are not capable of anything, which he regularly reminds you of, this is excessive criticism. Even aggressive sarcasm can be a form of harsh criticism and humiliation. Such unsafe partners do not hesitate to make fun of you in front of others, find fault with any little thing, or think out something.

Constant accusations of all deadly sins

Signs of an unsafe partner can also include constant accusations in everything and always. Especially typical for such people is the manipulation that you are the cause of all his troubles and failures. Whatever happens in the life of such a person, you will be to blame. Even if he is fired from his job, and you risk giving advice or even support. The beginning can be quite harmless - an excuse for being in a bad mood. But later it will become a habit. And when accusations become the norm and turn into aggression, this is a dangerous relationship.

Punishment

A clear trait of people prone to aggression and violence is the habit of punishing for not meeting their expectations. Punishment does not always involve some kind of physical impact. Sometimes it is punishment by prolonged ignorance, refusal to satisfy your needs, indifference to your condition. This criterion is very close to the previous ones. Because the punishment goes with the accusations. You will have to ask for forgiveness from such a person for a long time and regularly. He also has a great need for recognition, and therefore he will expect bright displays of remorse, shame and guilt from you. He will demand promises from you.

How to get out of a dangerous relationship?

As the saying goes, the best way to solve a problem is not to bring it up. What if you have been in an insecure relationship for a long time? The process of getting out of them requires several stages.

First of all, you need to prepare. Yes, getting ready to end an insecure relationship with an aggressive person is necessary. To begin with, it is important to make sure that your decision is final and you cannot be persuaded.

It is important to have a place where you can go. You can't go into emptiness. It should be a deliberate act, with the feeling that you have a safe place. At the moment, there are two obvious options - relatives and friends or a crisis center. The first option with relatives and friends is only suitable if they are able to protect you and if your partner does not know where they live. Otherwise, it is better to contact a crisis center, where you will really be under reliable protection. Even with children.

Do not spread your intention to friends and family of your partner. Collect the necessary things, do not cling to little things. If you decide to fully deal with the psychological component, you will calmly and gradually increase your budget and be able to purchase new things.

Unlike safe relationships, dangerous relationships can and should be broken off in the absence of a partner.

When you are safe, you can do psychological analysis: work with the same scenario and figure out how you got into such a relationship and how not to get into them again.

At the same time, it is important to avoid any direct contact with your ex. Any communication should take place through a third party, preferably a legal one. It is important to record any communication. Since in a situation with compensation for moral damage, court or self-defense, evidence will be needed.

Attention, prudence from the very beginning and the priority of one's safety in any circumstances are the most important conditions for normal relations and a safe exit from dysfunctional ones.

Article published in Mirror of the Week