Fear Of Relationships. Why Is It So Dangerous To Be With Someone?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The reasons a person is afraid to enter a new relationship are not original. They are extremely obvious, commonplace and heard all the time. But as long as people are wondering: Why can't I meet normal? What's wrong with me? and Why do I need this hemorrhoid again? - the topic remains open and relevant. The lucky and daredevils who dare to delve into themselves successfully undergo individual or group psychotherapy and start a happy life from scratch, having in the bins valuable conclusions from each painful experience. Those who are more comfortable and more pleasant to suffer continue to do it with pleasure and sometimes, reading such articles, they get angry, sigh and conclude something like: "You can't all be one size fits all!" Well, there is a third category who do not even know that they need to heal not others, but themselves.

Let's join hands and go straight to the depth - to the REASONS.

1. AVOIDANCE OF LIABILITY

The common illusion of responsibility for relationships does not let you breathe freely. In a distorting mirror, you can see a variety of options for a very funny ugliness - both your own and your partner. Remember the phrase from "The Little Prince" Exupery "we are responsible for those who have tamed"? Now, if they have tamed, then yes - in the answer, because a tamed person becomes an absolute pet, completely dependent on the one who tamed him. They didn't feed their tomagotchi in time, and he might die. This is a codependent relationship in which, in order for me to be complete, YOU must give yourself completely to me. And then this metaphorical feeding becomes very real. The addict at some point does not care what he is fed, he will swallow absolutely everything! And if, according to his horoscope, neither this year nor the next one is foreseen, then there is no way to help here. When I think that I can be responsible for another, and when I think that someone should be responsible for me, this is always a distortion of the real meaning of responsibility. Fortunately, in most cases, sooner or later, a click of self-preservation occurs, when either the body, or the soul, or finally the brain informs its owner that it needs to be saved. The person realizes that he is addicted. And then it is important that the caring hands of a specialist pick it up and help them accept their addiction. Forgive yourself for her. And make a choice in favor of not conditional feeding, but a very real oneself. This is a happy ending. And it happens in another way: a person who does not know how to take responsibility for himself and his life avoids relationships, because he is afraid that he must certainly be responsible for another. And this is too burdensome. Oh, burdensome. What is the benefit to him? One headache. Suddenly, you don't like the relationship, you want to jump off, and you are to blame for the grave of your life! Better not to start at all. A symptom of a perfectionist-existentialist: he could have done everything perfectly, but he does not see the point in it (c). People who are accustomed from childhood that they should be responsible for everyone and everything are afraid of responsibility. But the partner is able to cope with himself. Recommendation: change the angle. Not all people are victims, wanting to hang around their necks and reach out in shackles, and the fact that you think that you are a good person only when you are responsible for everything is just your personal problem, which you want to resolve BEFORE starting a relationship. Her problem, in general, should be resolved as quickly as possible, for the sake of his own mental well-being, because sooner or later responsibility for everyone and everything - for the sake of his own goodness - can really crush. But in fact, in a relationship, everyone is responsible only for himself: for his feelings, reactions, choices, decisions. Complete freedom to be yourself with others.

2. AVOIDING PROXIMITY

By a certain age, each of us develops a certain way of life, in which we are comfortable, and into which we are not ready to let someone else in … This is a simple unwillingness to share our territory, a refrigerator, a wardrobe, a bath with foam, morning coffee, Sunday sleeping on a wide bed, hobbies and a lot of accumulated habits, which, moreover, also reveal you to others in all their glory as you are … And this is scary. And again now to show off in front of someone … It's tiresome. For what again, what is the benefit? Another can encroach on my freedom. To my affairs. On my friends. My computer, car, credit card. Well, I do not. But what is more terrible - the other can swallow and "swallow" me myself! And I don't want to share myself, because it can be painful. Uses and throws away. There is no guarantee that this will not happen.

But there really is no guarantee, and there never will be. And behind all the words "I will never abandon you / change / will always love" is worth nothing but an exuberant libido, which makes such an injection of endorphins along with adrenaline that you begin to seem to yourself the ruler of the world. And it begins: love is the strongest of forces, life-giving energy of transformation, awaken your Goddess, glue your soul mate back, because you were once twins, and you have one soul for two … The reality of a relationship, unfortunately, leaves no chance and hopes for a guarantee. Real relationships fundamentally require trust because that's the only way to create intimacy. What is trust? It's not about telling each other about all your exes, and not being jealous of the past in an adult way. Trust is a mutual decision to be sincere, and if possible, frank. When I entrust my safety to you, it means that I feel with you the same as with myself. This is the interconnection of very deep unconscious things. At this point, either a violation of boundaries can occur, or a true intimacy that determines WHAT your relationship is ABOUT. About the weather or each other. This is not to say that trust is without pain. Manifesting in front of another, you can feel pain, and shame, and guilt and fear. But if the desire to BE TOGETHER in a relationship is mutual, then all these uneasy feelings will be lived without the risk of rejection of some parts of your personality or you as a whole.

Intimacy is always dangerous, and relationships are always painful. The only consolation is that each of us has a free choice: to go into this or not to go. It seems safe enough not to walk, but it does not enrich or develop our personality in any way. Without the other, it is impossible to know oneself.

3. AVOIDING PAIN

NOT experienced trauma. These include: physical, emotional, psychological, sexual abuse, betrayal, divorce, death of one of the partners, betrayal and any options for neurotic (unhealthy, immature) relationships. Gross violations of the boundaries of one another.

Note that treason and betrayal are not equated by me, and someone will probably outrage. But these are really different categories. Categories of what? Destruction of a person's ideas about justice and actually illusions about HOW SHOULD BE.

It's not always the same. There are strong families in which cheating is a periodic practice of refresher relationships. And there are relationships in which treason is equated to betrayal and puts a fat point in them once and for all, and very often without finding out the real reasons why this happened to US? Not with me, and why should I, and you are such a goat, namely with us. Because two people always participate in treason, as it is not disgusting to admit the victims of treason. The victim of treason is always very conditional. In general, if it is more pleasant for a person to fall into the position of a victim, then this indicates his immaturity and unwillingness to live a relationship with another. To frankly deal with what happened together, i.e. mutually taking responsibility for their experiences is much more difficult and painful than blaming and sending them to all four sides. Why? The illusory world of justice is safer than the feelings of another person who will suddenly announce them to you now. And you are not ready to face them. You are not at all ready to MEET the other and its inner content. You have a comfort zone, and this is the idea of how it should be "in the right way." If you add moralizing, then you can be proud of yourself with a clear conscience and hate your partner. Cheating is always about [changes] in the base of a relationship, a breach of security. Borders were violated, and mutually, and treason can be an attempt to devalue this by staying together. Betrayal is about deliberately destroying your comfortable world, in harmony with your comfortable world. It may sound complicated, but it couldn't be easier. You are betrayed when they want, for example, to "put in place", and open aggression for personal reasons of a traitor is impossible. At the same time, the person does not experience any appeals of conscience, because he has so much inner unexpressed aggression towards you that it becomes unbearable. To express it is to feel guilty. Betray - create an excuse for yourself. Quiet is always less dangerous than open. It is one thing to demonstrate my shadow side, which I do not recognize in myself, and quite another to create a circumstance. It’s as if I’m not me, and the house is not mine. One of the most difficult existential categories, so let's not talk about the sad anymore.

With regard to divorce, death and violence, then all this can be devoted to more than one article.

The essence of the problem is the same - you are afraid to go into a new relationship, because your previous trauma has not been worked through, and its repetition is scary. Again, you always need to start with yourself and still work it out. The other person is not obliged to settle down or deal with your injuries, he himself has a difficult baggage of personal experience. Choose yourself and new, different relationships - it is not as difficult and scary as it seems, you just need to sincerely want, realize and acknowledge the previous experience, which you have the right not to repeat. Those who blame themselves for what happened and unconsciously want to punish themselves all the time choose the same thing and create their own rake. Where are we without masochism? It's so exciting and perky.

4. AVOIDING ADULT

Well, the cherry on this beautiful cake of fears, doubts and bitterness - our beloved Childhood and Mom! To say again that the child's relationship with his mother lays the foundation for his future adult relationship with his partner is to chew the bitter candy again and again along with salty tears. Every psychologist and psychotherapist considers it important to repeat this many times in order to finally convey to big children suffering and choosing suffering that it is time to grow up and do it with pleasure. Yes, we all come from childhood and from there our trauma and neuroses. This is the first blank sheet on which blots fall. Then - the matter is small: in all its schools and institutes, society is able to teach a person to assimilate a variety of attitudes and standards that lead to painful ideas about justice and injustice in the world. Mom needs to be thanked and - to disconnect with her, and at the same time with her personal baggage, which she put on you as a tourist backpack in a big life, when it was still a completely unbearable burden … be devoted to long hours of personal psychotherapy. Nobody promises that it will be easy, on the contrary - it will be hard, and again it hurts, and again it is hard … But then it will become easier. And then it’s quite easy. When you realize that you are able to give yourself unconditional love, support and acceptance, without expecting this from a literal mother and not looking in every new relationship. To impose parental care of oneself on a partner, responsibility for oneself, self-care and unquestioning love for oneself, at least, is naive. We meet with each other in this world in order to share what we have and to multiply what we create together. This interaction only occurs in relationships, not one by one. But the choice is always yours. And responsibility for him too.