Children Feel Who Loves Them

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"Children feel who loves them"

I. S. Turgenev "Fathers and Sons"

We talk a lot, a lot about parenting. Are punishments necessary in this difficult process?

Is it possible to teach a child how to behave specifically in a particular situation in which he finds himself?

No, there are a great many of them, and they are all different from each other. Parents should teach the general rules for solving such problems. How? Try to raise a self-confident child, convince him of his own worth and show the limits of his own strength. And at the same time, parents themselves become a model for the child - this is one of the most important moments!

Effective parenting cannot be carried out in an atmosphere of mistrust, fear, or indifference. Love and respect are the main condition! Parents should be kind, strict and understanding people who do not force their children to do one way or another, but advise them, at the same time directing them in the right direction.

However, many parents often feel the desire to properly "punish" the child for any offense, but only a few, without hesitation, do it

And here I urge parents to ask themselves the question "WHY"? (I do it).

What is the meaning of PUNISHMENT?

To prevent the child from doing things that cannot be done because of danger or for other reasons, that is, teach him this!

Much of what he learns will eventually become unconscious programs that will control his behavior when he becomes an adult.

Children need clear guidelines and consistency in the requirements for them.

And what can help here?

You need to try to change your own behavior, and this is not easy. Perhaps the child's "bad" behavior would not have caused so many emotions and such reactions if the parents were not preoccupied with some life problems, which they do not see a way out of. For example, adultery, financial difficulties, the system of relationships, etc.).

But in different families the same situation can cause completely different outcomes

The outcome depends on what kind of system of relationships in this family.

Let me give you an example:

5 year old child breaks a cup at dinner. And in one family it will be approximately

like this: the parents will say: "0! Let's go take a scoop and a brush, which they sweep from the table and clean everything here, otherwise you can get hurt with shrapnel!" They walk together, laughing and joking, and the father says to his son: "You know, son, I remember in my childhood the same story happened to me and at the same time I felt terrible. And how are you?" will say: "I am very embarrassed, my mother will have to clean everything up. I really didn't want to."

We can imagine the same situation in another family.

Mom grabs the child by the hand, pulls him out of the table, shakes him and says after

to her husband leaving the room: "I don't know what I'm going to do with this child. A real bully will grow out of him!"

And the same situation in another family. Father looks at mother, raises his eyebrows and continues

eat in complete silence. The mother quietly gets up, collects the fragments and looks very expressively at her son.

One situation and three different approaches. What do you think, in which family is the atmosphere of good love, in which family does the child feel significant, needed, loved?

You've probably noticed that in the family, parents take different and even opposite positions. And one of the important rules is agreement between adults in the requirements for a child.

Let me give you another example:

We often see in modern families an authoritarian, dominant mother and a weak

an infantile father who decides little in the family. In such families, the child often behaves "correctly" with one parent and dissolves with the other. For example:

The eldest girl, eight years old, constantly bully and offends her four-year-old sister, when dad is at home. And this makes dad fun, he himself once offended his younger brother. But mom comes and the situation changes, the girl is like a "silk" girl. It turns out that my mother uses physical punishment ("beats with a strap"). And the girl is afraid of her mother: "Mom will kill me!"

When daddy, he dissolves - he is rude, makes a mess, does not do his homework.

Can punishing a child correct his behavior?

Most probably not!

It happens that under pain of punishment (like this girl) a child stops doing what he is forbidden to do, but more often he pretends, deceives, pretends to obey.

So what to punish or not punish?

Punish, but never use physical punishment. Punishing does not mean to offend, scare the child, but to offer to think about his behavior, what he violated and why it is bad. Punishment is always a signal of violation of the rules, norms established in the family. Punishment is aimed at educating the consciousness of the individual, at comprehending his deed. And the parent is the defender of family rules and values.

Let me give you another example.

World renowned psychotherapist Milton Erickson had a large family of four sons and four daughters. It was a big friendly family. When his daughter Christie was 2 years old, the following story happened:

“One Sunday my whole family was sitting and reading the newspaper. Christie went up to her mother, grabbed the newspaper, crumpled it and threw it on the floor. Mother said:“Christie, it didn't look very pretty, pick up the newspaper and give it back to me. And apologize."

"I shouldn't," Christie said.

Each of us said the same thing to Christie and got the same answer. Then I asked

take Christy's wife and take her to the bedroom. I lay down on the bed, and my wife laid her next to me. Christie looked at me with disdain. She began to scramble out, but I grabbed her ankle.

“Let go!” She said.

“I shouldn't,” I replied.

The fight continued, she kicked and fought. Very soon she managed to free one ankle, but I grabbed her by the other. The fight was desperate - it was like a silent fight between two giants. In the end, she realized that she had lost and said: "I will pick up the newspaper and give it to my mother."

Then the main moment came.

I said, "You shouldn't."

Then she, thinking better, said: I will pick up a newspaper and give it to my mother.

I'll apologize to my mom."

“You shouldn't,” I said again.

She had to think thoroughly and reflect: I will pick up the newspaper, I will give it

Mom, I want to raise her, I want to apologize."

“Okay,” I said.

Erickson helps her daughter make an independent conclusion about the situation that has occurred, directs her to the right actions.

What can help in choosing responses to a child's disobedience?

First of all, the desire of the parents to maintain a warm relationship with the child and raise him well-mannered, emotionally happy and successful!

There are general rules of what to do if you want to punish a child and what

can not be done!

First of all, listen to yourself! How am I feeling now? We have negative emotions

arise and will arise. There is nothing you can do about it. But any emotion goes further into behavior. And here we have a choice - to give all this free rein (to punish the child) or to try to assess the meaning of what happened.

1. Punishment should not overpower health (neither physical nor mental).

2. The punishment should be only one at a time (even if many

misconduct and immediately).

3. You can not miss the punishment or postpone for a long time.

4. Punishment does not mean taking away the praise.

5. The punishment must not be physical.

6. Punishment should be non-humiliating (this destroys the child and your relationship with him).

7. Punished - forgiven (do not remind of old tricks).

8. Punishment should be in a calm, benevolent tone.

9. Punishments shouldn't be hard (take out a bucket, clean your room, etc.).

Leads to disgust for any business and even life.

10. You cannot, scolding a child, assign him labels (mischievous, idiot, slob, monster, muddle). With this he goes through life and corresponds to this (the principle of suggestibility).

11. You cannot evaluate the child (the prison is crying for you, only the grave will fix you), don't be surprised if this comes true (principle of direct suggestion).