Childfree Phenomenon

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The topic of unwillingness to have children does not leave many people indifferent. There is still a lot of interest in this topic, because the very idea is contrary to nature.

Childfree (English childfree - free from children; English childless by choice, voluntary childless - voluntarily childless) is a subculture and ideology characterized by a conscious unwillingness to have children. The infertile may or may not be childfree, since, on the one hand, congenital or acquired infertility is not a conscious choice, and childfree may voluntarily go for sterilization; on the other hand, foster children are possible. Although having a child is contrary to the formal definition, it does not prevent some people from identifying themselves as childfree.

There are two main types of childfree and two types of people that can also be attributed to childfree, but with an interference:

1. People who dislike children and everything connected with them. The most ardent opponents.

2. People who believe that children are a burden, a hindrance. The difference from the first type is that it is not that they do not like children at all, but believe that they feel good without them.

3. People who often change their minds - sometimes they want children, sometimes they don't. But in the conditions of modern contraception, they do not have children.

4. People who postpone having children because they put their careers first, trying to achieve a lot, but time goes by and their "later" turns into "never".

All four types of people present arguments to society in defense of their unwillingness to have children. They can be both flexible and tough, demonstrative. These motives, due to the protective mechanisms of the psyche, are rationalized and subsequently look simple. Here are some of them:

"If anyone achieves success with children, it is in spite of, not thanks to"

"Raising children is simply irrational"

"I'd rather have a dog / build a career for myself"

"Almost everyone who has children is surrendered, unambitious people."

"I don't want to sacrifice myself"

"Why waste your time on this?"

“Observing my nephews is enough for me, thank you!”

Typically, the decision not to have children is made by the childfree couple. Such couples are characterized by a high level of education. People in such couples are more in demand as professionals, have a higher income (both spouses), are less religious, more selfish, and less inclined to observe gender roles.

Where does this phenomenon come from? Of course, from childhood, or rather from the mother.

If the mother does not agree with her essence, does not accept her gender, her femininity, her body, then she does not allow the child to feel himself in agreement with his gender. Or a girl was born in the family, and the mother wanted a boy. And here goes again rejection child. The scenario unfolds in two ways:

1. Mother: "I cannot give." Because they didn’t instill it in me, they didn’t give it to me, I didn’t have it in childhood, I have the same mother, they didn’t dress me up in dresses and didn’t braid beautiful hairstyles, I was ashamed for my short haircut, jeans, they looked askance at my the same mother … There is a blockage of his image - “if they don’t give it, then I don’t need it”.

2. Mother: "I don't want to give it." Because I wanted a boy, because you do not meet my expectations, I myself will be feminine, but I will not pass it on to you, competition, mother's envy towards her growing daughter.

In both cases, the trauma of rejection is present, which subsequently plays a large role in the decision to abandon motherhood:

Rejection creates shame (rejection of myself and my family, I'm not like everyone else)

Rejection forms masochistic orientations (I will not get pregnant, have children, and even if I feel bad myself, I am generally unworthy to raise children)

Rejection forms revenge (I will not give birth and do not wait, I will punish my parents, they will never have grandchildren)

Rejection creates a sense of uniqueness (what was in my family, it is better not to repeat, I will not wish this on anyone)

As a rule, mothers, in their rejection, do not conduct conversations with their children on the following topics: "Do you plan your family, children, and how will it be with you when I already have grandchildren - so I want …". In other words, there is no maternal support, which is especially important for girls. Moreover, in the family there are all sorts of messages: "Do not give birth, why do you need it?", "So I gave birth, so what?", "Do not get married."

The foundation on which the phenomenon of abandonment of motherhood is built can be reflected in the following position:

The presence of deep-seated problems in parent-child relationships, such as rejection of the child's gender, its characteristics, temperament, appearance; the problems of the parents, which they solve at the expense of the child; trauma to attachment and development of the child, violation of basic trust in the world.

I would like to draw your attention to the fact that children from disadvantaged families can also have their own families. This means that the child had enough of his inner supports and resources in order to step over his childhood experience, to find a person with whom there is a desire to create and raise this family. And there are many such examples.

Let's go back to the phenomenon. Most often, women devalue motherhood due to their idealization. It seems to them that motherhood is a sacrifice of oneself, that this is some kind of super-task, that one must be an ideal mother, not make mistakes, and if I cannot be like that, then I don’t need children. Where does this ideal look come from? If a woman did not have the image of an ordinary mother who can make mistakes and be imperfect, the woman begins to draw from different sources and form this image in herself, which is then very difficult to correspond to. But in fact, as D. Winnicott believed, the mother should be "good enough."