The Phenomenon Of Shame In Interpersonal Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Toxic (poisonous) feeling - this is such a feeling, experienced as strong and not pleasant, while not being lived, not ending, chronic. It can be chronic shame, guilt, anger.

If speak about toxic shame in a relationship, here I will allow myself a metaphor. The other day I was in the movie "Snow White and the Hunter-2", there was such a scene: an icy transparent wall appears between husband and wife, and by evil magic each of them sees what he is afraid to see most - the husband sees how his beloved kill, and the wife sees how her beloved betrays her, leaves. In fact, this is not true, but they do not know about it, and this wall separates them for many years. By the way, the two main characters of the film are Evil Stepmother Queen Snow White and Ice (Snow) Queen - these are the archetypes of women afflicted with toxic shame, painfully self-hating, intolerant of competition and in need of more and more power, power. Look at the story, a lot will become clear about toxic shame.

Shame in shape embarrassment, feelings of discomfort are a normal physiological reaction to the approach of another person into my zone of intimacy. I become visible, just like the other person is to me. It becomes obvious what is not noticeable at a social distance - smell, defects in appearance, body temperature. Another can guess about the feelings that I want to hide, I do not know if he likes what he now sees and feels, at the same time I feel embarrassed and, perhaps, excited. Moreover, both people in such a situation feel embarrassed.

Until I see a positive reaction from someone who is observing me in the intimacy zone, I may feel and experience shame, as the risk of rejection remains. However, I know to myself that I am good enough, so I remain in the surveillance zone, I move towards contact with another.

Normally, individuals are not paralyzed or overwhelmed with shame. ( Here and further, they use excerpts from Ronald T. Potter-Efron's book “Shame, Guilt, and Alcoholism: Outcomes of Treatment in Clinical Practice”) Instead, they recognize that these bad feelings are temporary and that they will soon return to better health. They can use their shame to move towards mastery, autonomy, and a sense of belonging.

A person who feels normal, moderate shame can tolerate this condition. However, he unpleasant, and the subject will do whatever it takes to alleviate this discomfort. Instead of denying his shame, he will perceive it as a signal for change. He will change behavior and thus begin to change the general concept of himself. This distinguishes him from a completely ashamed person, stuck in constant self-loathing; such a person accepts the challenge of moving from shame to pride. His goal is to feel “good enough” to know that there is a place for him in the world.… He expects others to see and accept him, rather than pour out contempt. He can regulate his behavior enough to please others without loss. feelings of basic autonomy. He can be left alone without the overwhelming fear of abandonment.

Regulatory (creative) shame is tied to the context of the relationship; toxic (chronic) shame exists regardless of the context

It is worth dwelling here on how shame is formed in early childhood. This feeling appears on the border of contact with the environment. A small child gradually realizes that there is a border between him and others, that he is a separate entity and that others can observe and appreciate him; the cost of self-awareness is embarrassment … This vulnerability to others develops in the first two years of life.

A child growing up in a normal home environment receives mixed messages, verbal and non-verbal, which ultimately help him know when, where and how he can properly demonstrate himself to the world. He gets enough respectful attention.to decide that, although he may not always be in the center of the universe, he certainly has his place in it. He can expect to be regularly in the focus of his parents' attention on many small everyday occasions, and at least sometimes in connection with “big” events such as a birthday. He gets used to the fact that his parents see him and approve of what they see.

However, this is not always the case. In dysfunctional families, parents and siblings are unable to give the child positive (respectful) attention perhaps because they saw him a little themselves. The members of such families for the most part produce messages telling the child that he is not good or not good enough. Children raised in such "shame-bound" families are prone to internalize (take for granted) the disapproval of their parents. They become "mixed with shame" feeling deep shame in the depths of their being.

Toxic (chronic) shame refers to the self, is emotionally experienced as a strong emotion, accompanied by a feeling of inadequacy, imperfect, worthless, disgusting.

The child may eventually come to the conclusion that it is impossible to love him.… He realizes that the love and affection he receives in his family can be taken away, perhaps unexpectedly and unfairly. The fear of abandonment that he feels cannot be diminished, because he no longer asks himself if he will be abandoned, but only when and how it will happen. Abandonment becomes certain for the deeply ashamed person. One way or another, he may continue to seek love. This can lead to the pursuit of an emotionally unsuitable partner whose love and acceptance remains unattainable or suddenly stops.

Chronically ashamed people do everything so as not to meet with shame in relationships with other people. Fear in this case precedes (hides) shame and lies in the fact that the other will see how really disgusting and will reject me, leave, abandon, betray. This fear is also called the "wrapper of shame." Also, aggression can be a defense against shame: “I cannot survive the exposure of my shame. I will attack if you get too close. " Perfectionism, arrogance, the projection of shame on others - all this a person uses in order not to face his shame.

The fear of being abandoned is a major source of shame.

Abandonment and betrayal seem inevitable to a person who is fundamentally shameful. The ashamed person cannot imagine that someone else can appreciate him enough to stay. Thus, the themes of abandonment and betrayal reflect the presence of individuals projecting their shame onto the rest of the world. Sooner or later, someone next to them will see how vicious they are and leave. Such people can live filled with fear and anger at their inevitable fate. Because they have brought out their shame, they don’t realize that their behavior makes them more likely to be abandoned.

Perhaps the most serious shame effect occurs in emotional intimacy, defined as the experience of the closeness of feelings. Emotional intimacy entails penetrating the personal realm, showing the other person parts of ourselves that we fear might discredit and shame us.

A person who is ashamed often loses their ability to relax or be spontaneous; spontaneity can cause others to see his weaknesses. An adult child can resist humiliation by becoming alert. He must watch himself carefully. He can hide this fear by disdaining those who are capable of playing, and thinking that they are simply irresponsible individuals.

The main difficulty in the treatment of those relationship problems who are treated by "ashamed people", and this can be:

- unhealthy perfectionism in a relationship where there is no room for error, and accordingly there is no life;

- fear of intimacy, intimacy, spontaneity;

- a constant change of partners associated with idealization (admiration) at the beginning of a relationship and depreciation over time;

- replacing the need for intimacy and love with the need for achievement;

- the inability to create close long-term relationships, because - "I want you to be near, but I am afraid that you will see me";

- crisis of uniqueness - the world does not revolve around me;

- as a result of all of the above - a person can experience excruciating loneliness and feel his own powerlessness to change anything.

So, the main difficulty will be that in a relationship with a psychologist, the "ashamed" client will do exactly the same thing as in other relationships - avoid shame in every possible way.

Ronald T. Potter-Efron offers the following algorithm for the psychotherapy of chronic shame:

Step one: Create a safe environment for the client to reveal their shame.

The ashamed client brings many old feelings and fears into therapy; he is particularly afraid of being abandoned by his therapist in the middle of the process and rejected after revealing his hidden identity.

In Gestalt therapy, this phase is called pre-contact, and in this place it is important to be yourself - not an ideal person - a psychologist who knows everything and can do everything, but an ordinary person who is able to be in contact as he is. Have the right to be wrong. Give an opportunity to the client disappointed in a psychologist, while confronting both idealization and depreciation. There is no gratitude in depreciation. Disappointment is an inevitable stage in a relationship, when we see a real person, not an ideal image, and we continue the relationship, taking into account (forgiving) the flaws and thanks for the merits. Love is not blind, it is able to accept another as he is and stay close. Only in a relationship where disappointment is possible can a person learn to experience shame - i.e. not to run away, not to freeze - but to transform shame from toxic to creative.

Step two: Accept this person with his shame.

It can look like support at the moment of the emergence of excitement, vital energy, identification of a need. If shame is discovered phenomenologically as shame and legalized, it is important to show respectful attention, not to leave the client at this moment. And remove the pathos from the situation … Humor is one of the most effective ways to confront shame.

Step three: Researching the sources of shame.

In gestalt therapy, this is introject research client.

It is important to help the client understand that their deep shame comes from the words of others and not from objective reality.

Step four: Encourage the client to question their self-image by checking the validity of embarrassing messages.

“What do you think of yourself? Ashamed - how is it? What are you? What do other people see?

Step five: Support a change in self-image that reflects realistic self-pride.

In conclusion, I will note once again that shame, like any emotion, performs an important regulatory function in relationships. Problems begin when, due to a lack of respectful attention in relationships, traumatic experiences, chronic embarrassing messages, shame takes on a toxic form and affects the person's self, as a result, it becomes an obstacle to establishing intimate relationships. It is unbearable for a person to experience shame, it manifests itself as a mixture of extremely painful feelings - fear, aggression, a desire to escape. Therefore, a person does everything in a relationship to avoid shame. He does the same when he comes to a psychologist and understands that in the depths of the problems, the experience of toxic shame is extremely difficult. Shame will be avoided in every possible way. It is important to let the person see that no matter what, the psychologist is ready to be with him and accept him, while the psychologist is an ordinary person who makes mistakes, and not an ideal image. Experiencing respectful attention in public contact can heal deep wounds of rejection and abandonment. It is important for a person to realize that what he was told about him refers to a greater extent not to him, but to those who said. And now it is in his power to decide whether these words correspond to reality.