Conflictology Without "water"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Important Factors in Conflict Resolution

1. Tone of speech. When we are in the midst of a conflict, we either show aggression or make excuses. Both of these keys are wrong. Why? Because an aggressive tone only leads to an increase in aggression in the opponent's responses. Justification - in itself indicates the weakness of your position, and provokes the opponent to ask all new questions. The tone of speech should be calm and explanatory. Such a tone in itself greatly lowers the degree of conflict, as a rule, over time, the opponent also switches to a softer tone.

2. Unifying phrases: "Help me figure it out", "If I understand correctly, do you mean this, this and this?" “If I'm not mistaken, the main points are this and that? "," Let's try first and see where we agree "? What do such phrases give? First, you move the conflict from a direct confrontation mode to a combined search for a way out, (help me figure it out, let's try first, etc.). Secondly, ask counter, clarifying questions very gently (If I am not mistaken, leaving room for maneuver). When the opponent starts answering your questions, his analytics turns on, and gradually the level of aggression decreases. Thirdly, you will be able to more calmly understand on which points your interests coincide, and on which ones do not.

3. Let your opponent speak out, ask him how he sees the situation, do not interrupt, listen carefully. What for? The opponent always has a number of points with which he disagrees. And this is like a “bone in the throat”, until he expresses them, he will only think about it, which is boiling. But when the "wave subsides", it will be possible to begin to negotiate, they will begin to hear you. You can start with the phrase, it's good that we talked frankly with you….

There is such a "scary" phrase as "Eric Berne's transactional analysis". But only the name is terrible in it.

In fact, it is a very deep and multifaceted thing. Bern claims that three hypostases live in us: Child - emotions. Parent - stereotypes. An adult who answers questions is helpful and appropriate.

1. A child is a manifestation of any emotions, when exactly they own you, remember today or last week, when you are happy, laughing, sad, showing aggression - all this is your inner child.

2. When you try to teach someone what to do and what not to do, behave like a parent, as a rule, the parent is very stereotyped.

3. An adult has neither emotions nor stereotypes, he acts from considerations of expediency and usefulness, which is why in conflict situations it is advisable not to hurt either a person's pride or his stereotypes, systematically going out to his inner adult and already getting out of the conflict with him.

Conflict Resolution Rules:

1. Shoot down aggression with unexpected tricks. For example, ask an unexpected question about something completely different, but significant for your partner, or confidentially ask the conflicting interlocutor for advice.

2. Do not give your partner negative assessments, but talk about your feelings. Do not say, "You are deceiving me," but rather it sounds: "I feel deceived."

3. Ask to formulate the desired end result and problem as a chain. The problem is something that needs to be solved, and the attitude towards a person is the background, the conditions in which a decision has to be made. Don't let your emotions rule you. With the other person, identify the problem and focus on it: separate the problem from the personality.

4. Invite the client to express their views on resolving the problem and their options for solving. There is no need to look for the guilty and explain the situation. Look for a way out of it. There should be many options in order to choose the best one that can satisfy the interests of both communication partners.

5. In any case, let your partner "save his face". You should not respond with aggression to aggression and offend your partner's dignity. Assess your actions, not your personality

Try to avoid words of conflictogens when resolving a conflict

The literal translation of the word "conflictogen" is "giving rise to conflicts." Words, actions that explode like a bomb and provoke conflicts.

What are these words?

- Instructions - "you must", "you must", etc., which can be perceived as an indicator of your superiority over the interlocutor

- Condescension words - "calm down", "do not be offended", "You are an intelligent person, why are you …". Such, in general, benevolent phrases in certain situations, when a person is agitated, trigger a backlash, because they are perceived as a condescending attitude towards the interlocutor or as an indication. Avoid such words when communicating with a client who has come with a complaint or complaint.

-Generalization words - for example: “you always don’t listen to me”, “you can never bring anything to the end”, “everyone uses my kindness”, “no one understands me”, “you will never agree with me and etc.; With this generalization, you present a particular situation as a pattern, as a character trait of your interlocutor, which, of course, gives rise to a desire to argue with you.

-Categorical confidence - "I am sure", "I think", "unequivocally", "beyond doubt", etc. The use of such statements often makes the opponent want to doubt this and argue about this categorical judgment.

- Persistent advice - advising, in this case, taking a position of superiority, as a rule, achieves the opposite effect - distrust and desire to do otherwise. Moreover, one should not, apparently, forget that advice given in the presence of others is most often perceived as a reproach.

Psychological inertia

Psychological inertia is when a person is at the peak of an aggressive state. As a rule, at this stage, the opponent can shout, swear, gesticulate.

When a person is in a state of psychological inertia, he looks like a steam locomotive, which began to slow down, but inertia goes for another 100-200 meters. What to do in such situations? 1. Do not try to explain anything, solve questions or prove something, your opponent will not hear you. 2. Do not take to heart everything that a person will say in such a state, even if he offends you. (As a rule, it is common in the family sphere) Personally, this has nothing to do with you. When a person is in a state of psychological inertia, he loses control over himself, subconsciously tries to reach the peak of aggression so that it sleeps. 3. Give the person time to calm down, psychological inertia - last a very short period of time, 2-5 minutes maximum, then there comes a sharp decline and the person will be psychologically ready to listen to you.

An example of using conflict management

Broke the screen in the phone, gave it to the service center. While waiting for my order to be processed, I heard aggressive screams from a client who bought a phone and literally 2 days later the device was out of order.

The manager (a girl of about 24 years old) told him in a raised tone: “Why are you shouting at me? Give the phone back to us for 2 days, we will make a diagnosis and if it is a factory error, we will replace it"

Naturally, the client started shouting even louder, and said: “What do you mean“if”? I bought a phone, it didn’t work for two days, and you are hinting that it’s my fault”and so on. As a result, the girl could not cope with him, and the elder was called. I don’t know how this situation ended, since I had already placed my order and left, but why did the manager lose this duel?

She had all the cards in her hands, there was a problem and she really had an algorithm for solving this problem, analysis within 2 days and replacement of the phone, what was the matter then?

She misrepresented the information and worked poorly with the client.

The client came already aggressive (in the state of a child according to Bern) why?

Because he bought a phone and it immediately broke down, the person felt aggression, suspicion and disappointment.

He was not ready for a conversation, it was necessary first to calm him down, and only then propose a solution to the situation.

An acceptable answer would be: Tell us what happened? (The client tells the essence of the problem and throws out unnecessary negative), It is very good that you immediately came to us, indeed factory errors do happen, which is why, in order to replace your phone, we will need to make a diagnosis and after tomorrow you can pick up a new one phone, will that suit you?

Step-by-step analysis:

one. Give the client an opportunity to speak out and bring him to a state where he is ready to listen to you

2. Phrases: “Yes, factory errors do happen” and “it's good that you came to us right away” - they reassure the client and make it clear that you will be working towards replacing the device

3. A specific algorithm of actions that needs to be done to replace the phone.

That's all, the client receives a phone, and most likely he would buy a new device there, because he will be sure that it will be replaced in case of a malfunction, I think the client could recommend this store to friends and acquaintances, but this did not happen, after all, a girl I started right away from the third point, omitting the first two and the client did not hear her + the tone in which you speak is very important.

The parenthesis method.

When we are negotiating, it does not matter in business or in private life, as a rule, we do not agree on only 1-2 points from the entire topic of discussion. Therefore, to defuse tensions and avoid conflicts at an early stage of negotiations, parentheses disputable points.

Example: Ivan Ivanovich, so by ordering a site, let's not hesitate, let's see what we agree with

1. Are you satisfied with the finances? Yes

2. Are you satisfied with the site and functionality? Yes

3. Design? Too

4. The host on which the site will run? YES

5. Site opening speed? Are you satisfied too? YES

So, all of the above suits you, and we accept it this way? Yes

Only deadlines don't suit you, right? These are the little things in life, now we will discuss.

What does this technique give?

1. Shows the opposite side that the parameters on which, all agree much more than controversial points.

2. Reduces the level of tension

3. Enables the package to accept most of the parameters at once.

4. Reduces the level of the problem in the eyes of the opponent.

Pros and cons of the conflict.

Cons: In a conflict situation, the level of our professionalism can be questioned, rude, put pressure, speak in a raised voice, etc.

Pros: We are given the opportunity to prove our own position and convince the opposite side that we are right, the conflict is a good training ground and an opportunity to test ourselves for strength. Knowing the technology, you can manage a conflict situation and lead your opponent to the desired result, etc.

This is all great, only the trick is that there are no pros and cons. There are only those moments that hurt and annoy us, and those to which we are calm. The task is to analyze and realize your own weaknesses.

How to do it?

Remember your last conflicts, remember the specific words after which you burst into a cry, exploded. Write them down. This will help to transfer your weak points from the unconscious state to consciousness. Awareness of the problem, as the ancient Greeks said, is 75% of its solution. The next time, the brain will not let you break loose and lose control of yourself.