2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I want to tell you a little fairy tale story about the girl Tatyana. The character is fictional, and any resemblance to someone is pure coincidence. It is rather a collective image of each of us who could find ourselves in a similar situation.
Tatyana is 35 years old, she has a rich, wide experience in relationships, but she never found the only relationship she dreams of - warm and warming the soul, ideal for her. What's the problem?
The girl has dated many different men. The relationship with the first partner lasted a year. He did not earn enough, and Tatyana was not at all satisfied in this relationship - she expected and dreamed that her man would be quite wealthy and would be able to give her money for everything. Because of such thoughts, the girl broke up with him, at that time she was 23 years old. Tatiana looked at herself in the mirror and made a decision - "I am young and beautiful, I will find someone who will earn a lot and provide for me!"
The next man made good money, but the girl complained of a lack of tenderness. The partner was rude, spoke sharply, sometimes raised his tone. Tatiana next to him felt her fragility and insecurity. Moreover, she always felt dissatisfaction in the zone of tenderness - she wanted to be hugged, stroked, so that a loved one was very delicate, gentle and pleasant in contact with her. At 25, the girl broke up with her second partner.
At the age of 27, Tatiana met the next man, they had a fairly long relationship, but, in the end, this man did not satisfy her either. The main reason was that the partner paid insufficient attention, worked a lot, was often busy, constantly met with business partners who were also friends. The man had a very rich life, but somehow separate from Tatyana, and she could not come to terms with this painful fact for her. The relationship lasted 1, 5 years, and the girl left.
The fourth partner was not smart and interesting enough, Tatiana was bored with him. The man was always there, paid her a lot of attention, but she had nothing to talk to him about. The partner could not support her interests - what the girl liked, the man did not understand at all.
The fifth man was not sufficiently interested in her, did not show initiative, did not admire enough. Tatyana felt a kind of fading in his attitude towards her - there was no sparkle in his eyes, some kind of desire, they just lived together. The girl did not feel inspiration, inspiration and inspiration next to the man. Moreover, after some time of living together, the partner told her that they are good friends, but he does not have a feeling of "butterflies in his stomach." The relationship lasted 2, 5 years, and Tatiana left.
The girl consulted a psychotherapist. The reasons she gave were rather superficial and not entirely related to psychology.
All the roots of the problem were hidden in Tatiana's childhood. It was important for her that the man earned a lot - a rather difficult childhood and constant money problems in the family. She was not given enough gifts, did not buy dolls, toys and desired clothes. Accordingly, in her future man, Tatyana was looking for a caring parent who would be able to provide her with the life she desired from childhood.
Lack of tenderness on the part of a man is associated with the maternal object. The girl's mother was rather cold, rude and suppressive - I said, so it will be so. In childhood, no one asked Tatyana whether she wanted to or not, there was no bodily intimacy, kisses, hugs, words of love. As a result of this attitude, the girl felt emotionally abandoned. Having matured, Tatyana wanted to get the missing tenderness and warmth in a relationship with a partner. However, the main question is how strong your dependence on your partner and his warmth is, how much you want your loved one to become your mother. A similar situation can happen not only with women, but also with men.
So, let's draw an analogy - a man who does not pay enough attention to Tatyana is, in fact, her mother, who does not play with her in childhood (they did not have any joint rituals or exits, the mother was not interested in the interests of her daughter, her life in kindergarten, conversations with girlfriends and first falling in love - all this simply did not happen). We meet those people who are most like our parents. We find them unconsciously - it is our trauma that wants to be opened and started to work.
The next partner was not sufficiently interested in the girl, not admired enough - and this is also a childhood trauma (narcissistic trauma at 3-5 years old). Mom didn’t pay enough attention to Tatiana when she was little, didn’t support her interests, didn’t get involved in her experiences, didn’t agree to any persuasion (“Mom, let's go on the swing together! Mom, I want this”) - everything was rejected, nothing could be done. This is how the child suffered the narcissistic trauma.
The work with all the listed problems is long and deep, and here it is important not just to remember all the moments and tie them together. You have to live everything in therapy! The involvement of the therapist helps to process more deeply all children's grievances, frustrations and anger (many feelings can rise from the depths of the soul - anxiety, anger, disappointment with the mother, de-idealization of the mother, etc.), the psychotherapist is always there and reflects you, is emotionally available, is included in your feelings. Directly on the example of Tatyana - the girl was sure that she had good parents, and childhood had nothing to do with her problem. In reality, it is a matter of the emotional state in which she lived in her family. The choice of a partner was influenced by constant dissatisfaction (the girl's needs were not covered, especially in emotional contact, tenderness and warmth) and the financial component.
In the process of therapy, the ability to independently pick up those needs that the girl did not have is being worked out is being worked out. Pay attention to the difference - while Tatiana did not know about her injuries, they were especially painful, and their satisfaction depended on the partner; having learned about the trauma and received additional emotional accessibility, tenderness, warmth, the girl learned to voice her emotional needs, understand them and receive warmth, admiration, and some interest in return. Having gained experience in artificial and safe conditions of therapy, she was able to go out into the world and find that man who, to one degree or another, satisfied all her needs.
An important point - Tatiana complained that men are not enough (one lacks here, the other here), today this is a widespread tendency in society. It seems to us that we have a wide choice, there are a lot of free people around, but suddenly it turned out that this girl is not smart enough, this one has the wrong hair color, the third has no booty (“I’ll look for the one who will have a hair color, and the priest, and the mind! ). However, the reality is that you have to choose. You will never have the perfect partner.
What is the moral of the story? Don't look for the ideal! In the case of Tatiana, she found a normal, working, rather interesting man, gentle and in love with her.
The girl's mother, even though she had lived with her father all her life, kept telling her daughter that she dreamed of a strong and ideal man who would “take everything at once and drag it on”. Tatyana grew up, but the image of an ideal man stuck in her head - her mother did not find it, but I will find and beat her! The search lasted from 23 to 35 years old, and all the men were inadequate. In the end, having lived in therapy all the frustrations and childhood, realizing where the mother was insufficient, where the father did not give her in childhood, she was able to look at the world and partners more realistically, she came to terms with some of the qualities of men. It happens to each of us in a relationship - there are periods of insufficient attention, the partner is sometimes not so gentle, he himself may have stress, depression or problems, he does not earn much. And it's okay when something is wrong in a relationship!
The second thing to think about is why do you want your partner to meet your child's needs? Why can't you do it yourself? Why should a partner take the rap for your parents?
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